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6 Bumps

I'm scared...

My SO seems so perfect. He treats me amazing, has a great job, we are great together in bed (sorry if TMI) and we can just mentally relate and we always have so much fun. I feel like it's a dream. My ex used to beat the crap out of me and I know my SO would never do that but I feel like I have this wall up and I want to figure out how to let it go. We have been taking it really slow and I'm trying to figure out how to let go of my anger towards my ex. I feel like it's interfering with our relationship a little. I definately have trust issues because of my ex.... do you think counseling would be a good idea?

 
June_Mama09

Asked by June_Mama09 at 12:52 PM on Mar. 11, 2011 in Relationships

Level 26 (26,054 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (12)
  • Aw I feel for you, definitely been in your same spot-- I thought I had gotten over my abusive ex, but when I was w/ my SO- who also seemed so perfect, I realized so much of my ex still affected me and was affecting our relationship. Going slow is the way to go though, don't force your emotions and let time run it's course. Counseling definitely does help- I write in journals which used to help me at least express my ideas and be able to recognize the causes for my trust issues- or what was preventing me from moving forward. Really it takes a leap of faith and believing that things will get better. It's totally possible-- in the beginning I was terrified of my relationship w/ my SO b/c I thought he'd for sure eventually change or I'd somehow get hurt again (not physically, but emotionally)..a year later we are already in love and I trust him more than I've trusted any other man...so it's possible!! Good luck :D
    lexi8622

    Answer by lexi8622 at 1:02 PM on Mar. 11, 2011

  • I definatly think counseling is a good idea...In California there is a program called WEAVE that is specifically designed to help women going through or coming out of domestic violence. I don't know where you live but I'm sure there are programs like that throughout the country. I also think you should sit your SO down and talk to him about how your feeling...if your feeling a wall up in your relationship, chances are they feel it too...Good luck mama
    Lucky209

    Answer by Lucky209 at 12:59 PM on Mar. 11, 2011

  • Yes.
    meooma

    Answer by meooma at 1:03 PM on Mar. 11, 2011

  • Oh, yes. Counseling will help you immensely.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 1:06 PM on Mar. 11, 2011

  • I also think it will just take time. It did with me. For years I tested my hubby. By all accounts, he should have left. Most men would have. And we both know it. But he didn't, he dug his heals in and stayed. He knows why I did, he understands why. We worked through things, and have made it.
    Counseling is a good thing. And doing some self searching. Having a good man helps, too. But, it will just take time. And don't be hard on yourself if you think you should be over it by now.
    Raine2001

    Answer by Raine2001 at 1:06 PM on Mar. 11, 2011

  • Yes
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 1:07 PM on Mar. 11, 2011

  • Been there done that! Someone said to me once "Why are you making this great new guy try to cash a check your crappy ex-husband wrote" - I think if you can't drop the walls and move on then perhaps therapy "may" help. I say "may" because I probably let great guys get away because I wasn't in the correct head space to be in a healthy normal relationship. Are you ready? It's wise to take it slow because things aren't always as they seem. My second marriage was to "Mr. Perfect" who ended up not being so perfect once I married him and now I've been with the love of my life for over 5 years and we took it slow.........It took me two marriages and until I was 35 but I found a wonderful man who treats me like I deserve and is truly my partner in every sense of the word but it took me a long time and a lot mistakes to get here but I was open and ready to let the past be the past - no therapy needed, just life experience
    8Tinkerboo8

    Answer by 8Tinkerboo8 at 1:10 PM on Mar. 11, 2011

  • I have been in those shoes. My ex never phsyically harmed me, but he did a lot of verbal abuse. Therapy would be a definelt. Unfortunately I never went to therapy, I still have a lot of anger in me that I keep bottled up inside of me. I have a wonderful dh who loves me more than any other man has ever loved me before. We all have to hurdles to get over and in time you will get over past. Take it form me, if you are happy now and being treated the way you are meant to be treated, focus on that and leave the past behind. Talking to your SO about your past relationship may help.
    limitations

    Answer by limitations at 1:35 PM on Mar. 11, 2011

  • you are guarded due to your previous relationship. It seems like he understands that so just be open and honest with him and let him help you thru this I think it can be done esp. if he is the right one for you. Once trust has been shattered it is hard to rebuild even if at the hands of another as you remember that.
    2boysnaprincess

    Answer by 2boysnaprincess at 2:27 PM on Mar. 11, 2011

  • do you feel like you can totally trust him BUT if you go all that way and trust 100%, let your guard down then...
    your wonderful world will crumble?

    need to let go of past to do this
    maybe things will crumble, but you will never know how great things can be until you give 100% freely

    it is very scary (even without crappy past)

    take the leap, if you know you are holding back = you are ready to let go and fly free into trusting arms of your wonderful man

    take the chance!
    fiatpax

    Answer by fiatpax at 2:43 PM on Mar. 11, 2011

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