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Real Dilemna!

I'm already looking after my sister in law's child, 15, and it's all good and fine. I have 6 children myself (2 sets of twins), and just found out that i'd got pregnant with twins (completely not planned) but we're happy with it all, and are financially stable. The problem is that I just received a phone call from the representation of the sister in law and apparently she is 4 months pregnant with another child, not by the same father as the 15 year old, and wants to give it to family, namely us (she doesn't have any relatives other than us & her mother who has alzheimers) and does not want this baby adopted/fostered.(she is a drug addict & abusive) Under any other circumstances I would say yes but with me pregnant with twins, 6 of my own & my niece, I don't know what to do. Realisticly it would be impossible, I think, 3 babies at once. But this child is blood related to hubby. Advice!

 
haleykarson

Asked by haleykarson at 12:20 PM on Nov. 23, 2008 in Adoption

Level 1 (3 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (13)
  • Write down all of your concerns, with explanations for why they concern you. Give it some real thought, don't just write it all down in 10 minutes. Give it a day or 2, so that you'll be able to have that, "oh, yeah, this too" and get everything out. Then sit down with hubby, explain yourself. By having it in writing, you won't forget anything, and you can also think about what some of his rebuttals might be, so that you can give some forethought to how to answer those. Talk to your neice as well, and to the mother. If they are all still against you, honestly, you're the one raising the kids while he works and such (not blaming him), and if you don't think you can handle it, then just put your foot down and refuse. It wouldn't be fair to take on a child you don't really want and don't feel you can adequately care for, to you or to the child.
    tropicalmama

    Answer by tropicalmama at 12:44 PM on Nov. 23, 2008

  • They say God never gives you more then you can take on?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:23 PM on Nov. 23, 2008

  • You have to do whats best for you and your family. If you don't think you can handle it then you shouldn't try. How old our your other six? Would they be able to help you? How does your niece feel about the situation?
    bugandsmiles

    Answer by bugandsmiles at 12:24 PM on Nov. 23, 2008

  • Yikes....what a difficult and scary situation. I think the only way to sort it out is to talk. Talk to everyone....your sister in law, your husband....discuss all your concerns and questions and try and come up with a solution that everyone is okay with. Not that it's going to be easy, but I think if everyone can be involved in the discussion, you might be able to all come up with something that will be good for everyone.
    sophiafarris

    Answer by sophiafarris at 12:24 PM on Nov. 23, 2008

  • How about if she decides on an open adoption. It would be "open" to you and your family so you guys could spend time with the baby and he/she can know the other sibling. That way you don't have the responsibility of raising another child, yet this child can be in the life of his/her sibling.

    Southerncharmes

    Answer by Southerncharmes at 12:24 PM on Nov. 23, 2008

  • I think its really crappy of her to put you in that situation. What do you want to do? Do you think the child would be better off if adopted?There are plenty of parents that can't have children, If she tests positive for drugs during her pregnancy the baby will be taken by the state, You need to talk to her about finding adoptive parents for the child.

    robinalbright

    Answer by robinalbright at 12:25 PM on Nov. 23, 2008

  • My husband just won't consider an adoption, even an open one, and my niece is leaning the same way, but I think that may be due to my husband. The thing is though that it will be me who has to look after this new baby as he's at work quite a lot, which I obviously don't blame him for! But the point is it would be a real strain and I can't help but think it would be better for the baby to go to a different adoptive home, but i do feel a little guilty. And it would break hubby's heart. And I've had experience of 3 babies at once, only a year apart. But I really don't know.
    haleykarson

    Answer by haleykarson at 12:31 PM on Nov. 23, 2008

  • I think there will come a time where hubby may need to rearrange his work schedule and find time to be at home and help more often. This is a great undertaking for ONE person. I think that this is going to be a life altering decision and your hubby needs to make changes in his life if he is wanting to accommodate more children in his home. Just my thoughts....I'm sure your hubby has very good intentions and sounds like he's one in a million type of guy, but like you said if falls back on YOU.

    Southerncharmes

    Answer by Southerncharmes at 12:40 PM on Nov. 23, 2008

  • I would love to be able to have more children! So I would take that baby and treat it like one of yours and tell hubby to cut all contact with her so the baby is yours. Ask family and freinds to help.
    mandyandthree

    Answer by mandyandthree at 1:30 PM on Nov. 23, 2008

  • I say if you don't want to take on that baby, you explain to your husband that enough of the focus has already been taken off of your OWN children and that you just can't handle one more. Adoptiong is a totally safe route for the child and in an open adoption, your hubby will still have his neice or nephew. Don't take on mroe than you can handle. Whoever goes through thr touble to adopt WANTS THAT BABY and will take the utmost care to provide a good life for their child. I wouldn't worry. The grieving would be minimal once hubby accepted your side and agreed to have a normal uncle relationship with the baby in an open adoption situation. Also, the baby deserves a mom and dad, AND a great auntie and uncle. Let him have it all!! :)
    20sumstepmom

    Answer by 20sumstepmom at 2:31 PM on Nov. 23, 2008