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How do you talk to your husband about your relationship without criticizing??

i clearly don't know how to ask my husband to help me improve our relationship without being met with "it's all my fault" or "what did i do or not do now?" "you're right and i can't can't do anything right"

i really want to have a talk about our relationship and how i feel like we really don't have one lately. it's really bothering me because i don't want either of us to lose that loving feeling. ya know? i feel absolutely ZERO romance coming from him. if i make an effort to look nice, he doesn't notice until i ask him if he likes my new outfit or something and he never tells me i look nice or pretty or anything anymore. my love language is words of affirmation and acts of kindness. and it's like whenever i point that out to him, he gets all stubborn and basically refuses to give me what i need to be happy and secure in our relationship.

how do i talk to him about this without making it sound like he can't do anything right?? it's so important to me that we fix this now. i don't think it's good that we've only been married 2 years and 9 months and i'm feeling hardly any love from him :( and we don't have any kids, so there's nothing taking up our time except his stupid computer game, world of war craft.

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pmg1030

Asked by pmg1030 at 9:21 AM on Mar. 13, 2011 in Relationships

Level 14 (1,514 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • What you want and are asking for has to come natural, if it doesn't it just isn't the same. Some men don't put so much emphasis on praising their women, and some don't even notice..Tell him exactly what you told us, tell him how you feel there is no romance and ask him what you both could do to rekindle it before it fades altogether.
    older

    Answer by older at 9:28 AM on Mar. 13, 2011

  • thats a hard one, we seem to end up fighting when this comes up.
    jenn4443

    Answer by jenn4443 at 9:40 AM on Mar. 13, 2011

  • I don't know if you might want to check out the book Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw. You could browse through it in a good bookstore. And it has a workbook to go with it. I hear it is very good. I hope he is willing to take a look at it with you or at least see that you are reading it and then you could ask if he would be willing to take a look. I wish you all the best. I hope that things improve. You deserve better and should reconsider the situation if nothing changes.
    elizabr

    Answer by elizabr at 9:45 AM on Mar. 13, 2011

  • You could try with figuring out what his love language, and giving that to him. There should be a change in him, which then should bring a change in how he treats you. Then, you need to set some guidelines. When talking, never say 'you never', 'you always'. Say things like 'I feel'. Otherwise it comes across as you attacking. You have to be very careful of how you talk with him. If you do some research on how to talk with him, that will help. There are certain ways to talk with certain types of people, and you have to figure that out. And body language goes a long way, too. But none of this will matter if he shuts down and is not open to discussing things. So, I would show him love by means of his love language first. See how he reacts.
    Also, there is this book, The Love Dare. I hear it is really an awesome book. It's a workbook the 2 of you do together. See if he will do it with you.
    Raine2001

    Answer by Raine2001 at 10:05 AM on Mar. 13, 2011

  • being honest about it..
    smiley745

    Answer by smiley745 at 10:30 AM on Mar. 13, 2011

  • Condense your thoughts to fit on a page of paper. Then write him a letter/card and mail it to him. Most people will read through it before tossing it. But by then he knows whats on your mind. Keep it to one page or one card. This should then ba an oppporutnity to start an open dialogue.
    meooma

    Answer by meooma at 11:15 AM on Mar. 13, 2011

  • I would write him a letter. That's what I do. I tell him that I want him to read it and he can't say anything until he has read the whole thing. Also tell him when he is done reading the letter that you don't want any neg. comments about it. Tell him if he doesn't work on the things in your letter that you want to go to couples theraphy.
    momoftwins250

    Answer by momoftwins250 at 11:52 AM on Mar. 13, 2011

  • I always try to avoid 'you' statements, and go with 'I feel' instead. It helps to diffuse the situation, and it keeps him from being defensive and feeling accused. Also do it at a time when stress levels are low, and try not to bug him with it when he is busy. Hope this helps!
    lovingmy4babies

    Answer by lovingmy4babies at 12:16 PM on Mar. 13, 2011

  • Oh Dear :( First and foremost, you sound like a sweetheart and not necessarily the "point the finger at him" type. At this point, everything you may say to him will sound like a accusation. It sounds like he's in a negative place right now. You'll never get through to him for as long as he's in that place. I suggest you and your husband meet with a marriage counselor or your chaplain, if you're religous. Sometimes introducing a third person who is a profesional (marriage counselor) or someone you trust but isn't the next of kin (chaplain) to have you both look at the issue from both sides. Hopefully you both can find a common ground.

    LanaisSky96

    Answer by LanaisSky96 at 1:31 PM on Mar. 13, 2011

  • i know EXACTLY how you feel, except we aren't married yet. anyway, down to your love language- i had the same issues. i talked to my brother about it- he's a psychologist- and he told me that when i try to confront my SO, i really can't go at it with a physical perspective..as in, instead of saying what i want or don't get, i need to show how his(my SO's) actions make me FEEL...so that's my advice to you (it worked btw), instead of saying "you don't..." or "i want you to..." say something like "it really hurts my feelings when i feel little attraction and attention from you, i feel like you don't love me as much as you used to" (just an example)..or something like "it would make me so happy if once and a while we were able to have a romantic game-free evening"...so hopefully something in there helps, because guys quickly go on the defense, ESP when they hear the same thing over and over..good luck!!
    lexi8622

    Answer by lexi8622 at 2:59 PM on Mar. 13, 2011

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