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4 Bumps

What should say to mom about her power of attorney son a@@?

My son's godfather who is also poa of my mom's estate is telling my son very nasty things about me and my husband. One time he hung up another time he yelled at him.My son texted him about being at a hockey game tickets in raffle won and he responds snarky and out of line, tell your parents to come stay the weekend to take care care of grandma and grandpa instead of going to a game.Dad has dementia and mom had a stroke. I went in total 24 days. I told my mom I missed my family and lived too far to keep doing that. SO now my brother is on the defense with me. I am so sick of fighting and being told this is the new rule etc. Please someone help....


Asked by Anonymous at 12:20 PM on Mar. 13, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • You have to do what you need to do for you. EVentually you stop caring what other think and if they approve. You know your life and situation better than anyone. You don't need to explain yourself either. They aren't the ones dealing with what you deal with. When you are being belittled, it's time to say something. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but if you don't speak up, it won't ever stop. Do it in a way where they can't argue. Tell your sil< " I feel like you are speaking to me like a child, and it feels very belittleing. Could you please stop?" It's not rude and you are saying how you feel. Start figuring out what your boundaries are, and don't allow others to cross them. Your parents aren't suffering, so don't let others lay a trip on you. You know what it is you do for them!

    Answer by Musicmom80 at 12:59 PM on Mar. 13, 2011

  • I think in situations like this, you need to do what YOU feel is right and representative to your relationship with your parents.

    For example, I was very close to my maternal grandparents--for all intents and purposes they WERE my parents. I was living 300 miles away when they became ill and eventually died. Because I was so close to them, but couldn't physically be there all the time, I made sure to call and visit regularly, as well as send them their favorite snacks and desserts to let them know I was thinking of them. When they passed away, I arrived home 4 hours after getting the phone call, and helped with their final arrangements. I learned at the reading of the will that my grandfather had left me his and his mother's homes valued at over $1.5 MM.

    I'm an only child, and are not at all close to my mother--in fact I haven't seen or spoken to her in over 7 years. When she dies, I doubt I'll even attend the funeral.

    Answer by LoriKeet at 1:58 PM on Mar. 13, 2011

  • im on both sides of the fence with this one. he was out of line with the way he talked to your son and the things he said. but being the only one that was there to help my mother and father it is hard hard hard and it gets extremely frustrating. my sister would call and tell me what i need to do or what i should have done but she would never pitch in herself i realize she lives in another state but coming and visiting once in awhile to take the load off of me would have been great. than my mom gave me poa and right after she did my sister told her all kinds of lies about me now i gave up poa and my mom and i dont speak cuz she chose to believe everything my sister told her and sis is still not helping so my mom is in an assisssted living home and by herself

    Answer by jodi205 at 12:25 PM on Mar. 13, 2011

  • My husband and all three of his siblings have POA over their dad. Sometmes one feels the other isn't pulling their weight and vice versa. It's hard for all of us. I see it this way. You can't control how he feels, or acts. Just cut him off just for now. Don't allow him to badger you or make you feel bad. You are putting your time in, and believe me I know what it's like! I put mine in too! He's either going to stop talking to you, or he's gonna see how hard it is doing this alone. POA only goes so far...

    Answer by Musicmom80 at 12:26 PM on Mar. 13, 2011

  • I know how you feel. It seems like there is never "the right" answer when it comes to these things. I'm not taking his side, or condoning his behavior, but he may have a hard time seeing his parents like that too. It questions your own mortality sometimes. We were stopping in here and there and bringing dad food and checking his house for other stuff, but it's getting worse and we are starting to go a few days a week. It can be very stressful on your marriage, so don't feel the least bit guilty if you need a break to nourish your marriage in between this. You and your hubby are still alive and well. It's hard to find that balance of being compassionate, but keeping yourself healthy as well.

    Answer by Musicmom80 at 12:34 PM on Mar. 13, 2011

  • Caring for our parents is extremely difficult and very, very emotionally charged. I am with my parents, pretty much same situation: daddy: dementia and 5 years post-stroke, mom post stroke, diabetes and a neurological disorder. My brother lives in another state, and makes it here about every 3 years. He gives me lots of advice, that has nothing to do with anything, because he doesn't know!!!!! We have a group on CM: Sandwich Generation Moms. Come on in there and talk! We'll listen. Some of us will be in the same position as you!

    Answer by kjrn79 at 1:17 PM on Mar. 13, 2011

  • My point is, you should NEVER do what you wouldn't normally do regardless of who it is. Coming together when a family member is ill should only be done if it represents the kind of relationship you have already established, otherwise it's phony, and I personally can't stand phoniness! KWIM?!

    Answer by LoriKeet at 2:00 PM on Mar. 13, 2011

  • Okay, I am a little confused. There can't be a POA of an would be an Executor or Executrix..and the people would have to be deceased. It sounds like he has a durable POA and possible a medical POA if they are living.

    This kind of thing can be extremely stressful. It might help if you all got together and made a schedule of who could do what and when. It isn't unusual for 1 sibling to end up doing more. This happened with my grandparents she was almost their sole caretaker for several years and they left her sole ownership of their home. Her siblings were livid, but had no legal leg to stand on because they had done nothing to help. My sisters and I have already made a plan for our Mom. My youngest sister lives in the same town and will take on the primary responsiblity..she gets a very special family heirloom and I am glad to see her get it.

    Hang in there.

    Answer by yourspecialkid at 1:30 AM on Mar. 14, 2011

  • Is he POA of your parents or their estate? There is a difference. If he doesn't like being the POA then he needs to tell your parents attorney so another can be assigned. Also, I would have a not so nice talk with him about how he is talking about you to your son, that is unacceptable. Teach your son to stand up for you against his uncle or the uncle won't stop.

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 12:25 PM on Mar. 13, 2011

  • im confused....what "rule" ar you talking about?

    Answer by Shelii at 12:26 PM on Mar. 13, 2011