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9 Bumps

Am I making him choose us?

My husband and I have four children. Two of his own, and my two. His children live up North, we live in the South. We live 14 hours away from his kids.

Dh wants to move up to be close to his children. But I dont. There really is nothing up there for me. Sure I was raised in the state his kids live in, and I have tons of friends up there, including my own brother, but still I love it where we live.

I told him we could consider moving in a few years. Am I making him choose between us and his children? I feel bad, but ALL my family is here, his mom is here, and his kids are there.... I dont know, I feel bad, but not really.

I also feel that if we move close to his kids, he will put my kids on the back burner, he already does when his two come here... it makes me feel really bad.

He reads books to his daughters, but for my children, he's "too tired". Ughh I dont know.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 9:19 AM on Mar. 14, 2011 in General Parenting

Answers (18)
  • You are making him choose and if you scared he will choose his 2 kids well, they are his kids. You love your kids right? How would you feel in the reverse situation?>

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:24 AM on Mar. 14, 2011

  • You understand the need to be with your children. Not having many of the details - I would make the move now. He just wants to be a father to his like you are a mother to yours.

    Answer by meooma at 9:26 AM on Mar. 14, 2011

  • I think that perhaps you are being selfish and trying in some way to protect your children. "There is nothing there for me"? Your husband will be there, and that should be enough, if you truly love him. All the basis for your decision seems to be about what is best for you, what you want, and how you feel. That's the recipe for the destruction of a marriage, so you might want to rethink your position. It would also do you well to think about what is best for his two children who are growing up without their daddy.

    Answer by NannyB. at 9:27 AM on Mar. 14, 2011

  • Not wanting to move is not selfish, moving would have an impact on your kids more than the other two having their dad live closer. I am guessing your husband has some guilt about not being close enough to the other two kids and that is why he spends more time with them. Perhaps you can find a way to vacation or spend a few more days in the area on vacations near his kids so he gets more time without the move and express to your husband that you understand his guilt but what you see as favoritism (even if its not real) and your concerns about it as part of the compromise.

    Answer by hotelmom123 at 9:28 AM on Mar. 14, 2011

  • I moved with my dh when we married because his son is buried here in this town and he didnt want to be far away from his resting place so he could visit and make sure its in order. I had family and friends where I lived. I couldnt ask him to stay with me where we were and he was willing, it just wasnt fair. If his son was living I would have made the same decision. My children are my world and I expect for fathers it is the same.

    Answer by gemgem at 9:28 AM on Mar. 14, 2011

  • I think the only reason he 'puts your children on the backburner' when they come is because he doesn't see them as often as he'd like. If I were you I'd make the move, you do have your brother there and thankfully it's an area that you're familiar with. It has to be horrible for him not to see them all the time. But I do understand what you mean. Is there any way for you guys to try living there temporarily and seeing how it goes?

    Answer by kayalouise at 9:29 AM on Mar. 14, 2011

  • I think you're being unfair and selfish. Not only are you just thinking about your feelings but you are not even considering how his kids feel. I bet they would like to be closer to their dad. Would you want to be married to someone like you?

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:34 AM on Mar. 14, 2011

  • @kayalouise- I actually brought up the idea of buying a vacation home there, but he says no. Its not like we are poor. We CAN afford a home, but he just doesnt want to have to get a loan..... I WANT to be close to his kids, thats why I suggested a vaca home, but its either ALL or nothing with him...

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:36 AM on Mar. 14, 2011

  • @ ANON- I am not a bad person. My own Dh doesnt really want to move up North bc of the cold. We dont like the cold. He says he WANTS to be close to his kids, but the cold is what keeps him here.....

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:37 AM on Mar. 14, 2011

  • I think it's more that you're afraid he'll neglect/ignore your children when his children are in the picture more often. More then you having everything you like where you are now. However, I think you are as well making him choose between his kids and your life there. You're being a little bit selfish to make him choose your life there when his kids are up north. He deserves to be near his children as well as you deserve to be near yours. Put yourself in his shoes and try to see it from his point of view. If your kids were up north would you stay in the south because everything HE wants is there? Or would you try your hardest to move closer to your children? Be honest now, you know you'd want to be closer to your children. So why would you deprive him of that just because everything YOU want is in the south? His children are important to him, shouldn't that be more important then liking where you live?

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 10:32 AM on Mar. 14, 2011

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