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SS is upset because I said I wasn't his mom

I have been asked by BM to not discuss matters regarding SS with her. I am fine with that. I don't really want to do it anyway. However, SS will only come to me with problems. He doesn't ever talk to BM about anything. She has no idea what is going on in his life, he doesn't tell if she doesn't ask. She never asks anything about his day or school or his friends or anything like that. Well, I told him today that he needed to talk to his mom and his dad about certain things as well as talking to me about them so that she knows him and knows how he feels about her. I made the mistake of telling him the reason that she and dad needed to handle things regarding him together was because I am not his mom. He cried and said that he thought that I was a mom (as his step mom). I am the one he is with most of the time, I am the one he recognizes as mom, I just don't have the title. How do I explain to an 8 year old how this works?


Asked by Anonymous at 11:56 PM on Nov. 23, 2008 in General Parenting

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Answers (6)
  • It sounds like you're doing everything right already. You have the trust issue established which allows him to be reassured that he can talk to about anything whenever he needs to. And as far as his BM, you're encouraging him to talk to her too which is awesome. So, all in all, it sound like you've got it all covered. And I totally agree with imtheonlysane1 in the respect that she should be thankful for you because YOU ARE ENCOURAGING HIM TO TALK TO HER. Keep doing what you've been doing because it's probably going to get harder sooner than it will get easier and with both of you and your DH on the same page, your SS will have an even stronger support system.shake hand


    Answer by LovingParent08 at 12:32 AM on Nov. 24, 2008

  • Awe you crushed him I bet. Just let him know that some little boys are very lucky and get to have 2 mommys. And while you love him very much he needs to let both of his mommys know what is going on with him. In all honesty though his BM should feel lucky that her son has somebody to talk to even if it is not her. IF You have an 8 year old with built up anger and things and you have a whole nother battle.

    Answer by imtheonlysane1 at 12:04 AM on Nov. 24, 2008

  • I really don't have any advice...but you obviously mean alot to him (and to me , thats awesome)..

    Answer by babycakes254 at 12:08 AM on Nov. 24, 2008

  • There is more than one way to be a mom. Giving birth does not always make someone a mom - just a mother.
    He obviously does not trust his mother and he DOES trust you. His birth mother has asked you to not call her to talk about the boy. Fine. Don't. If she wants to cut herself out of his life, let her. You can't force her to be a MOM, but you can step up to the plate and be the MOM he needs.
    Go to him and tell him you made a mistake. That you didn't mean to hurt him or to turn him away. Ask him what you can do to make things right between you again.
    And you DO have the title. It's right there in front of you - step-MOM. Be the MOM his birth MOTHER is refusing to be.

    Answer by kaycee14 at 12:16 AM on Nov. 24, 2008

  • Do you love him? Do you want him to have a strong relationship with you? That is what matters. You are not his mom, that is a true fact. You will never be his mother. But you can be his role model for how a person mothers (mothering is a verb as well as a noun). You can be his friend. You can be his confidant. That obviously means the world to him. He trusts you. If I were you I would go to him and apologize. Tell him that what you meant was that your intention is not to replace the woman who gave bith to him, she will always be his mother. Explain you love him and enjoy your relationship and that you are thrilled at the opportunity to be the person he comes to. Then tell your husband his child has a responsible adult he trusts - so everyone get the Hell over it.

    Answer by frogdawg at 7:30 AM on Nov. 24, 2008

  • Your doing everything in your power...
    Just tell him further in are his mom your not going anywhere your ALWAYS there for him always.

    But his Other Mom, And his DAD do need to know whats bothering him and whats going on in his life,

    AND THE BM cannot do a damn thing, so...if she doesnt like it oh well,

    Answer by LexsiesMommy at 10:12 AM on Nov. 24, 2008

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