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3 Bumps

My daughter!!!!

I have a 17 yo daughter whom is my life we get along great and share basically everything..........I honestly can say I think she is almost perfect. The problem she is dating a guy who just turned 21 and I do not like the way he treats her, I don't like the way he talks to her, I feel she deserves better. She thinks she is in love and says that he makes her happy, they have been on and off for many years, they just recently started the dating thing again and she felt she needed to tell me of course I blew up, I told her how I felt and she asked me to give him a chance she knew what she wanted............well about a week will go by and she will come to my crying that she is not happy, she has no friends when he is around he gets pissed if she spends time with them and not him..............what do I do? If I keep her away from him she will do it behind my back...................this sucks!!!!!

 
buttonlts

Asked by buttonlts at 2:15 PM on Mar. 14, 2011 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 21 (11,115 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (10)
  • Unfortunately, we cannot live their lives and I UNDERSTAND wanting to save her the hurt but we must let them learn -it may take her marrying him I hate to say or maybe she'll realize but she's young so I doubt it. I never listened and my daughter doesn't either. In any event I think the more you push or say you don't like him the more she will be inclined to sneak. Tell her you do not like the way he treats her and when she complains to you just say "well honey you CHOOSE to let him treat you this way, so I don't really know what to say to you" continue to make comments like that "I'm sorry you CHOOSE to live this way, it makes me sad for you" and leave it at that. Do her friends confront her with the fact he drives them off? Sooner or later hopefully if all the people she loves in her life call her out on this she'll see - but if it is only you then YOU are perceived as the enemy. Tough situation. Wish you the best
    8Tinkerboo8

    Answer by 8Tinkerboo8 at 2:30 PM on Mar. 14, 2011

  • Just tell the truth if a man loves you he will not hurt you, he will respect her and he will trust her and she should feel special and happy.

    Just keep telling what I wrote above ^ and don't say anything about how much you hate him.

    And also keep telling her that she is beautiful and smart and deserves only the best.

    And tell her that relationships are hard but they should not make you feel miserable or unhappy.
    gammie

    Answer by gammie at 2:27 PM on Mar. 14, 2011

  • they have been on and off for many years--? she's just 17..how can it be many years?
    she is not happy, she has no friends when he is around he gets pissed if she spends time with them and not him--she definitely has a security issue. she has been made to think she is nothing without him, and she has believed it. she's been emotionally abused, if not physically by him. (maybe he hasn't 'started', but it will!)
    obviously, you can't physically keep her away from him at this age. you can support her well-being, mentally, by upping her security, pushing her towards people who do care about her, who have healthy relationships she can glean from or desire to immulate. he has a strong hold over her..and the only thing that may break it is HER deciding to stand firm against ever returning to his arms. yes it will be tough, but she can do it..and at her age, she doesn't see that tomorrow becomes yesterday really fast. GL!
    dullscissors

    Answer by dullscissors at 2:30 PM on Mar. 14, 2011

  • Well if she says she will not leave him because she loves him then she will not leave him until he hurts her bad enough. Sorry but it is hard being in love and a teen. :(
    Hatsumomo

    Answer by Hatsumomo at 2:55 AM on Mar. 16, 2011

  • all you can do stand by her yes to you jerk but never show your true feelings at 17yrs old she thinks this is her dream idea of a man
    next time she come crying just holed her and listen yes you love to kick his ass out with the garbage but she needs to find some who really will love her as herself no matter what you say she will not listen she has to let him go on her own
    she also needs to get backbone and stand up for herself no more being door mat ,
    dutchcanadain

    Answer by dutchcanadain at 2:09 AM on Mar. 15, 2011

  • I guess I want better for her and HE is not the one, he does not work his mother babies him, don't get me wrong I love my son also and give him things but he does not live off me, his mother pays for his truck, his gas and he treats her like a dog.....I HATE this and after the last time she swore she was not going back that she hated him he needed to grow up..........I was wrong above he just turned 20 not 21 and yes they have had puppy love for about 3 yrs. She has talked to other boys but always goes back she reminds me alot of myself the only difference I was treated like hell for 20 yrs and finally woke up only to get in the same routine he does not treat me bad just can't seem to find a job that pays anything and drinks all the time!!!! I just don't want her to live the way I did and she is headed right in the same path, sometimes I really hate she did not come with instructions it might have been a little easier.
    buttonlts

    Comment by buttonlts (original poster) at 9:20 AM on Mar. 15, 2011

  • A men that mistreats his mother will mistreat every women. I would tell that!
    gammie

    Answer by gammie at 11:04 AM on Mar. 15, 2011

  • oops I type fast. I would tell her that!
    gammie

    Answer by gammie at 11:05 AM on Mar. 15, 2011

  • I agree with gammie - try to direct her focus to how he treats his own mother - maybe something will click with her. I have same issue (along with many others) as far as not wanting her to travel the same path I did - she is and there is probably nothing I can do to change that. Just try NOT to alienate you as you are fortunate you have such a good relationship with your daughter - I wish I did. Point out examples here and there in a nonchalant way if you can as SHE has to see it herself. Truthfully, she may not and she may marry him and there isn't anything you can do to stop her. I remember vividly my grandmother telling me I was growing up too fast and thinking "she is so old fashioned" trying to point out things to me. Now I'm 41, my Grams is 93 and we laugh about how foolish I was........I couldn't see it then, didn't have the life experience. Love her and be there - that is all you can do Mama!
    8Tinkerboo8

    Answer by 8Tinkerboo8 at 12:38 PM on Mar. 15, 2011

  • Tell her to use birth control secretly if she has to so he doesn't get her pregnant, because in a few years she will wake up and be knocking on your door with little kids and no place to live.

    No man is worth what shenis going thru. Been there, done that!

    My 4th husband (long story) was the best ever! He was the Dad to my kids, loving, caring, everything you would want in a husband! Offered to pay my abusive husband a midnight visit!!!
    karen020253

    Answer by karen020253 at 5:33 AM on Mar. 16, 2011

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