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2 Bumps

My son thinks that I choose my daughter's children more than his...

And I think that I do a little ( I am not talking about love because I love all of my grandchildren with all of my heart) ...

BUT my daughters comes over almost everyday ( with her 2 kids) , she lets me babysit when she has to go somewhere, she lets me play an active role in their lives ( as in I can take them places, or I can go places with them, she asks my advice, etc) .....

I will admit that I dont care for my daughter in law... I just dont think our personalities connect and honestly she is just very "fake" ... she will talk about how much our family means to her , and then she complains about her friends ( alot of them are big partiers) , but yet when it comes time for her needing someone to watch the baby - she chooses the friends ... They moved to another town for her job ( and then she quit a month after moving there ) ... I have went to visit and then they act like I am intruding, I always ask them to come here and offer to watch the baby so they can do stuff, but they refuse.... I have just started to accept that I dont really have the chance to be as close to their daughter... I feel like I have tried everything and it only makes it worse.. I would love nothing more than to be able to see ALL of my grandbabies all the time.... and now it just hurts even more because now he is mad saying that I dont WANT to see her and that I love my others more.... It isnt true, and I dont know why he cant see that... I go there to see her and then she will put her for a nap or invite her friends over ( after I am already there she will call them up) so she can have a playdate with their kids... if they come here they dont stay very long ....

What else can I do ?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:01 PM on Mar. 14, 2011 in Parenting Debate

Answers (8)
  • Explain all this to your son :) At least your trying!! My MIL.....well, she lives an hour away. DHs sister, lives a 3 hour plane ride away for MIL. and MIL will fly to visit SIL and her 3 kids several times a year, talks to them, sends bday cards, gifts,etc. SHe hasnt seen our kids in over 5 years!! Her facebook page, has lots of pics of SIL and her family, and None of our kids.! I've pretty much given up trying, if she dosnt want to see them, her loss,
    All you can realy do is tell your son that you keep trying but his wife tries harder to keep you away,
    minimo77

    Answer by minimo77 at 10:16 PM on Mar. 14, 2011

  • Not sure if this will help you, but my mom feels the same way about my brother's kids vs. my kids. She feels I don't let her in whereas my brother always wants her there (free babysitting in my opinion). Everytime I talk to her she is tired, behind on home projects, stressed from work, but is still off to t-ball/basketball games. To me, it was as though she was so occupied with him and his boys, then exhausted from running around so much, that I didn't want to burden her with more kids to watch. Along the same lines my husband and my mother have never seen eye to eye, which adds more strain. My husband's job took us 3000 miles away about 5 years ago, so feeling left out of her time isn't really an issue, but it still hurts to see other kids run her life, when my kids never had a chance to compete. The only thing that would have helped was for her to not spend as much time with them, and some undivided attention on us.
    AntoinetteF

    Answer by AntoinetteF at 10:31 PM on Mar. 14, 2011

  • I have the same feeling your son has about my Mom. My Mom gives her undivided attention to my niece and has since the day she was born. My DD has always taken a backseat. My sister and my niece have recently moved across the country and now my Mom is willing to spend more time with my DD. The only difference is that I won't take my DD to spend hours on end at my parents due to excessive smoking within their home. They are always welcome to come to our home and spend time with their grandchild. BTW I have always left the door wide open for my Mom to see her grandchild anytime she wants.
    coala

    Answer by coala at 10:44 PM on Mar. 14, 2011

  • I have 7 brothers and 2 sisters, and all but 2 of us have children. 3 of my brothers live out of state with their families, and this has come up in arguments with them. Yes, those of us who live within miles of each other DO get to see each other more often and DO get to have that quality time. It isn't a matter of my mother not loving all of us and all of our children equally, it is a matter of circumstance. When you live in the same town, you can go to the baseball games and the recitals...you can babysit...you can visit...you can have the kids over more.

    She tries to go to visit each of my out of state siblings once a year, and they are always welcome to visit her and stay with family...but in the mean time, maybe you could try sending cards or something for his kids as often as you can.
    Mom-2-3-Girlz

    Answer by Mom-2-3-Girlz at 10:46 PM on Mar. 14, 2011

  • I posted above but ran out of space. We used to live 30 minutes away, so did my brother. He has always seemed to require more of her time, no matter the distance. I approached the subject with my mom on many occasions, but she said she likes how he makes her feel needed. I don't want to have to need my mom to see her, I wanted her to be a part of our lives, a willing participant with time for us. I would talk to your son. Let him know how you feel and see what he says. You never know what his perspective on the situation will be.
    AntoinetteF

    Answer by AntoinetteF at 10:55 PM on Mar. 14, 2011

  • My feels closer to my daughter than my sister's daughter, But only because my sister lives three hours away and I live here locally. I take care of my mother now. My sister knows that she favors my daughter and not hers, and she resents that. My mom always said she felt closer to my daughter because we live here in town. She wants to be closer to my niece but she lives so far away and she never knew her the way she knew my daughter. She was able to spend more time with her. Could it be that you DIL could be making excuses so you can't spend time with her. What does your son have to say about it. Tell HIM that you want to get to know her better, but the only way it's going to happen is if you get the chance to spend some time with her. Maybe your DIL knows that you can see through her, and it intimidates her. It's a possibility.
    amessageofhope

    Answer by amessageofhope at 1:18 AM on Mar. 15, 2011

  • You should explain to your son how you feel and see if there is anything the two of you can do to make the situation better. It sounds like your daughter in law doesn't help the situation either. Maybe your daughter makes you feel needed and your son doesn't. But either way talk to him, try to work out a compromise so that he doesn't feel that way and you can see your grandchild.
    clumm

    Answer by clumm at 10:04 AM on Mar. 15, 2011

  • What else can you do? Not A DAMN THANG and i to mean THANG! This problem has been going on for years in my family. I have three brothers and they tried this same tired game with my mom. Trying to say that my mom is closer to my children then she is with theirs. The story is quite the same my children spend time with my mother because not only are we very close like so many other mothers and daughters but i as my mothers child, will always make it a point to see to it that my children visit with her as much as possible.On the other hand my brothers children usually visits the wives mother, family, friends etc. So here's a suggestion tell your son if he wants things to change maybe he should step in as your CHILD and see to it that his daughter has an opportunity to visit with you. Otherwise let it go and let god handle the rest! OH and by the way the in-law needs to grow up a bit... if only a inch.
    Loveem007

    Answer by Loveem007 at 11:27 AM on Mar. 15, 2011

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