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3 Bumps

Is this fixable?

I have a 15 year old daughter, my husband has a 12, 9 amd 7 year old. Ever since we mobed in together, it seems like my daughter has been in a tailspin. She went from being a normal 12 year old to being a hateful 15 yr old overnight. She is failing school, she is cutting herself, she is acting out. When I ask her why, the root of the problem seems to be that my husband lavishes his kids with love and attention, and only talks to her when he is asking her to do a chore or berating her for something she did wrong. I am scared that I am sacrificing her in order to keep my marriage together. I want to have both things, I want her to be happy with this new family. Ive been giving it time, its been four years but its getting worse. I am feeling forced to chose one thing, which of course would be my child, but Im giving up the man I love. I've tried to get them into counseling but they refuse to go. I'm all alone in this, if I talk to anyone about it I dont want them to feel like they have to take sides. My husbands stance is that she needs discipline. He is already looking into a boarding type school similar to job corp but with a religious aspect. I'm not going to let that happen. I've been slowly self destructing. Since weve been together I have gained 80 pounds, started smoking and feeling worthless that I cannot work this out. I need advice. How can I keep the peace between my husband and my teenager?

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:59 PM on Mar. 14, 2011 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (13)
  • your husband could be gone. your daughter is yours FOREVER.

    cutting is serious and there is no bigger of a red flag cry for help than that.

    start with your daughter counseling individually..... grow from there.
    hibbingmom

    Answer by hibbingmom at 11:01 PM on Mar. 14, 2011

  • PS it sounds like chores might be a source of tension. it could be a decent bargaining chip to get her into therapy. IE you attend your session and you get out of "extra" chores but your personal space/messes/homework are non negotiable. there's other kids in the house who can pull the extra weight while she gets her head on straight. her safety is #1. schoolwork and the relationships can follow but if she isn't safe in her own skin nothing else matters. I'd also take off her bedroom and bathroom doors until you know she is stable.
    hibbingmom

    Answer by hibbingmom at 11:04 PM on Mar. 14, 2011

  • sorry to hear this , i dont know that peace can be found .
    letstalk747

    Answer by letstalk747 at 11:05 PM on Mar. 14, 2011

  • I agree with hibbingmom. Cutting should be taken very seriously, and I also believe that boarding school is not going to help or at least not the relationship situation. I think putting her in boarding school would only make the situation worse. Like hibbingmom said, I would put daughter in counseling and then re-evaluate everything. GL
    mommy_jules

    Answer by mommy_jules at 11:07 PM on Mar. 14, 2011

  • I hate to totally take over this thread, but self harm is an issue near and dear to my heart...... I am 29 years old and don't own a single short sleeve shirt (SERIOUSLY!) because of mistakes I made as a young teen. ..... you might need to make some tough decisions with your daughter. Is school too much for her right now? Offer to let her drop out, home school, high-school online, get her GED, etc. Get her volunteering at the pound working with kitties and puppies or the church daycare with toddlers. Something to give her satisfaction, joy. .... you can see her spiraling down, fix it fast. Drugs, sex, eating disorders, are around the bend. Forget about your marriage until you know your daughter is OK. She is #1. You have the biggest history with her, the biggest investment.
    hibbingmom

    Answer by hibbingmom at 11:08 PM on Mar. 14, 2011

  • Have you tried family therapy for all of you?
    rkoloms

    Answer by rkoloms at 11:09 PM on Mar. 14, 2011

  • Have her write down in a journal what she feels and why she is acting this way. Then sit both of them down one night after the other kids are asleep and have her read it to him. then let them talk it out. Tell them that if they care about you at all they will listen to each other and try to make this work. If it still isn't working and your daughter is cutting, the only thing left to rly do is have her taken to the ER. She will have to be put in a psych ward for a minimum of 72 hours but she can't hurt herself and they will talk to her about why she's feeling this way and where she would like things to be. There is also a mandatory family therapy session. The professional that is overseeing the session will make sure everyone is heard and that everyone gets their say. If they won't go willingly then this may be the only way.
    MamaStuart

    Answer by MamaStuart at 11:15 PM on Mar. 14, 2011

  • It sounds harsh and she may hate you for the moment when she goes in but she will thank you later on. And I'm speaking from experience. I was in this exact situation. I hated my parents for it but it helped and now I realize how much better my life became because of it. My step dad was forced to listen to me and we became very close.
    MamaStuart

    Answer by MamaStuart at 11:21 PM on Mar. 14, 2011

  • It sounds like your daughter might be much smarter than you give her credit for perhaps. If you are deteriorating so poorly, there is a reason. She is falling apart just like you, but in a different way. Something is failing in a big way and you have waited 4 years too long. The fact that she changed overnight is a clue. I think you need to get some help for the both of you and shipping her off isn't exactly the answer. By the way, would he be willing to have one of his receive the same treatment? If not, why do you allow that double standard? Just wondering.

    Remind me what this relationship is doing for you again?
    spottedpony

    Answer by spottedpony at 11:21 PM on Mar. 14, 2011

  • IDK but surely here is a bump.....
    AnuMeha

    Answer by AnuMeha at 11:36 PM on Mar. 14, 2011

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