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3 Bumps

Is it wrong?Or do what is right for the family situation....

After almost a month of caregiving for my sick parents, my mom tells me that my brothers arr saying negative stuff about me not going back to help out. I live 2 and half hours away and have a teen at home. My child has been going to back doctors, skin doctors and regular doctors and needs to be picked from school at least three times a week by me. I told my mom to tell them that. I am so done with them! My hubby does not know about this otherwise he would send me right back and I am so sick physically and so done psychologically with doing this. My sil who lives 10 mins away is crying the blues and talking bad about me too. I could understand if I never showed up but I dropped everything when my mom got sick. Am I doing the right thing by not telling my hubby? Every week the story changes. Last week it was that the family wanted my hubby to sleep over with me on weekends to help out since we live far. Help, this situation is very stressfull for the whole family but now I am the scapegoat of the family. What do you think?


Asked by Anonymous at 9:27 AM on Mar. 15, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (8)
  • They are probably letting the stress get to them too. They are taking it out on you because it's easier to blame your for not helping than to admit they might be getting burnt out by the whole thing. I would try to make it there on the weekends more when your son doesn't have appointments.

    Answer by jspenny2705 at 9:57 AM on Mar. 15, 2011

  • I think that your other family members are sick of taking care of her so they blame you for not taking up their slack. 2 1/2 hours is far, i would maybe try to compromise & go every other weekend.

    Answer by samurai_chica at 9:29 AM on Mar. 15, 2011

  • When parents are sick it's a stressful situation for ALL. Those who live near by can quickly become resentful of those who live further away. Take a deep breathe.... try and relax. You know you are doing all you can and that's what is important. Let their comments fly over your head.

    Answer by Rnurse at 9:34 AM on Mar. 15, 2011

  • If you don't mind seeing to them, maybe it's time to move them closer to you. We offered to do this with my mom and with my husband's mom. Turns out, we were voted down in both instances, but we did offer. If you are the one who is expected to take care of them, then it is only logical that they should come to you rather than the other way around. It's amazing how tunes can change when the tables are turned and the ball thrown back in their court. So that's precisely what I would do. Then if you end up moving them, get a place that will not require you to do the upkeep, so that the only thing you will be doing is taking care of your parents. I suggest either a small apartment or perhaps a retirement center, if they are able to afford one. The apartment will be cheaper but at the retirement center, you have the peace of knowing they are watched all the time, even when you can't be there.

    Answer by NannyB. at 9:46 AM on Mar. 15, 2011

  • Don't expect to win on this one. Just do all you can to take steps that are right for you.

    I moved back home to help with family situations at one point, Sister gave me heck the whole time, claiming I was just freeloading.
    she didn't live there and had no idea what the situation was.

    So now I live about 1800 miles away from everyone and the same sister hates me because it's not fair that I got to run off and have a good life while she 'had' to stay in town because people needed her.
    more like she was too chicken to leave our home town, but what the hey.

    my suggestion is to listen to your heart and your head and do all you can for your parents, but no more that you are able.
    Dragging yourself through the mud doesn't help anyone.
    Don't try to please your siblings, most likely won't get you anywhere.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:08 AM on Mar. 15, 2011

  • Stay logical and don't worry about "what others say". Sometimes our elderly parents want the attention. It could possibly be that your mother is enjoying having you there and is somewhat manipulating things. Why would she tell you these things? I would organize a meeting without your parents between you kids and try to come up with some solutions, at that point you can clear things up. If it were me, I would make sure these things have been said and ask for an aplology. It sounds like you all need more medical help and some changes. Nanny B has the right suggestions. Good luck and enjoy the day.. :-)

    Answer by LeJane at 11:40 AM on Mar. 15, 2011

  • when my parents where a live i to helped out and i live 2hrs away and my other sibling lived close by but still we where the onse that cut grass look after the farm but i never listen to what my family said or thought ,i did what was right they are my parents they gave up so much for me i was willing to help out ,so you can listen to them or forget about it

    Answer by dutchcanadain at 9:37 AM on Mar. 15, 2011

  • Sounds great NannyB, but my brother found a medicaid coordinator who is putting their funds in trust so the gov't will not ask or take money from them . It requires that they pay for funeral home costs and to pay for other expenses so they can get a nurse and not pay as much. But so far one of my mom's doctors who is new, will not sign all the paperwork and is delaying the process. SO in the meantime, it just an uphill battle between family members. When I kept giving up my family time and sleeping on a couch and getting no sleep I was miss perfect now that they are sick and tired of taking care of my parents they are resenting me and putting me on the hot seat.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:51 AM on Mar. 15, 2011