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Update on "Concerns about Bf and his 4 year old daughter"

Ok, so for anyone who responded to my initial question yesterday, I sat my bf down and voiced a few of my concerns to him. Here's how it went......I started off with the sleeping situation and told him, that I am sure he noticed I do not sleep at all when his daughter is here because he allows her to sleep in the middle of us in our bed. And of course he started getting mad and defensive. In the end the only thing I could get him to "unwillingly" agree on was that he was going to try and sleep in the middle for now until he was ready to put her in her own room and bed. He was reluctant on this at first because he said when he's in the middle he does not sleep for fear she will fall off her side of the bed. (side note, we did sleep this way several times in the beginning of our relationship, when I was spending the night and she was there too and it seemed to be fine, then all of the sudden he changed it).....anyways he very reluctantly agreed to try this. Mind you earlier in the day I did manage to talk to his mother and ask her, her advice on how to deal with this and she had said she knew his daughter had mentioned she wanted to sleep in her own room with her own bed and TV, and that she would help facilitate that idea by telling her to tell her Dad.
I'm still at a loss though, why the hell is he so adamant on her sleeping in our bed? He would not even listen to her going to her own room. I don't get it? I hate griping about him because he is a good man to me and a great father but this way he is refusing to even consider putting her in her room, is really baffling.
I also mentioned his difference in attitude when she visits and he claimed it was a coincidence that his bad mood was coinciding with her being there and that he would make an effort to act better.
So now what? I love this man and I do not know how much more coaxing one can do to get him to see he needs to make some concessions. He plays the tit-for-tat game when I start asking him these things, by saying I am easy with my kids (which I am, but they are way older and not in a young learning stage as his daughter is)...so every time I mention something about her, he throws it back in my face that I am easy with my kids and how is that any different than him letting his daughter have her way all the time.

So I am at a stalemate........anymore help or comments, I'd really like to feel better about this because I do love him and would never consider leaving over things like this, I just thought in time, things might even out and adjustments would happen but it seems when it comes to his daughter, its going to always be her way and thats it!!!

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CopingMom33

Asked by CopingMom33 at 7:57 AM on Mar. 16, 2011 in Relationships

Level 8 (238 Credits)
Answers (6)
  • I'm sorry to hear this but you do have him moving to the middle of the bed. This simple adjustment might help some in getting him to admit it is time for her to have her own bed. You might browse some books on parenting and family sleeping in a good bookstore and maybe discuss some of the ideas in them. I hope the recent talk brings good results for all of you.
    elizabr

    Answer by elizabr at 8:06 AM on Mar. 16, 2011

  • I dont know what to tell you. When I met my dh my son was 3 yrs old and slept with me because he was the baby and there was no room in the other rooms. My dh actually slept on the floor or the livingroom when we were still just dating and not married. Later I went ahead and got my son a bed but it was still in our room. Slowly I moved him into another room with his sister. Now my son lives with his dad and when he visits he will inevitably climb into bed with us. My dh has just made it easier and sleeps on the couch during visits since if my son comes to our room now his sister will too. My dh is understanding and just goes with it since he knows eventually they will go into their own spaces and that will be that. He has always told me he understood and there would be plenty of time for "us" since we are spending our lives together.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 8:21 AM on Mar. 16, 2011

  • He's not ready to put her in her own room/bed and he is uncomfortable sleeping in the middle for fear she will fall off the bed, and she's 4. It kind of sounds to me like he's not ready to admit she's not a tiny little baby anymore. And if that's the case, nothing you say will convince him to move her.

    I don't really know what to tell you other than that. She's his daughter, and you don't really have any say. You could make a big fuss and refuse to sleep in the bed if she does, but that will just turn it into a bigger deal and only make things worse between the two of you. I think the only thing you can really do is just deal with it until he's ready to let her go. My kids used to sneak into my bed during the night, and eventually they stopped on their own. I'm sure she, on her own, will eventually make clear that she wants her own bed and will force Dad to give her one.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 8:45 AM on Mar. 16, 2011

  • How often does she sleep over 7 why don't you go sleep on the couch when she is over. I understand him wanting to sleep with her, co-sleeping is a wonderful thing.

    When my DH & i first got married, DD (who was 5 at the time) slept with us. Sometimes DH would go sleep on the couch, sometimes he would sleep with us. But, we did eventually get her a big girl bed.

    I think you should let him enjoy these times wit his DD. One day, she will shudder at the thought of sharing a bed with her dad. These times are to be cherished & appreciated. If my DH asked me to make her sleep else where, i would have told him he has to leave the bed. AND, i totally understand him not wanting her to fall off the bed....that would worry me too.

    Are you jealous of his relationship with her maybe?
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 8:46 AM on Mar. 16, 2011

  • my only advice? get a bigger bed. lol i hate sleeping away from DS, even though we share same room! i still grab him into my bed- i did just last night! lol he's 5. no idea what i'm gonna do when i get married, or move into my own place and he has own room. =/ i dont want to admit that my baby isnt my baby more. lol good lyck1
    Shy_Dia

    Answer by Shy_Dia at 12:21 PM on Mar. 16, 2011

  • well... do she wet the bed at all?? just wondering. if she is ready for her own room and bed, then daddy needs to realize she wants her own space. its not really up to us when we choose to co-sleep how long our children will stay in the bed with us. he couldnt possibly be abusing her could he? i think co-sleeping is a beautiful thing, but we have to keep in mind, is it comfort for our child or us? our motives should puts our kids first.
    Arretsmomma5

    Answer by Arretsmomma5 at 6:04 PM on Mar. 16, 2011

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