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What can I do about my 10 year olds attitude?

I am at a loss here. My daughter's attitude began when she was about 7/8 and has just gotten worse. She argues with everything I say, even the most trivial things. She rolls her eyes, throws fits, yells...I just don't know what to do anymore. The past couple of months have been pretty bad. She has lost all of her privilages so there is nothing left to take away. She was being a terror last night because I would'nt let her eat what she wanted for an evening snack. Well it snowballed from there and I sent her to bed early. After some cool down time I went into her room and we had a nice long talk. I told her how I felt, she told me how she felt. We had a great discussion. I thought it was very productive and that maybe we were heading in the right direction. WRONG! It began all over again as soon as she woke up this morning. She fought me on everything...getting up and motivated, what I made for breakfast, what I was making her for lunch, and apparently it was all my fault she has an attitude because I " keep telling her things." Oh, and somehow it was my fault her backpack wasn't zipped!

It has gotten to the point where being around her is hard. If one small thing isn't going her way, she goes into attitude mode. She isn't like this at school. She makes good grades and does well in her after school activities. As a SAHM I am always there for her and spending time with her. It seems like it's never enough for her. Basically it feels like this is her world and I'm just here for the ride. HELP!

 

 

EDIT:

 For various reasons I don't believe in spanking, and I won't resort to that.

 Even though she is very disrespectful, my daughter and I are very close.  She opens up to me about everything....even when I don't ask.  Sadly, we don't have any "family friends"  My mother and sister (whom live very far away) have had phone conversations with her about how she has behaving.  It works for a day or two,  then it's back to the usual.

I have taken ALL of her privilages away.  No ipod, radio, tv, no phone, no computer or video games, no friends.  Also, after this morning I told her her bedtime has now an hour earlier for 2 weeks.  I told her when this punishment started 3 weeks ago that she would have to earn her privilages back as I saw fit.  Well she has yet to deserve one.  She almost got her ipod back but moments before I was going to praise her and return it, she began yelling at me over putting away her laundry.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:35 AM on Mar. 16, 2011 in Tweens (9-12)

Answers (12)
  • Have you tried spanking her butt for being disrespectful to her mom? That's what I would do, and I would do it regularly until she understands that disrepect of and disobedience to her mother will not be tolerated. That's why she's good at school. She knows she can't get away with that kind of stuff there, just like she knows she can do it and get away with it at home. It's up to you, Mom, to teach her that it will no longer be tolerated at home, and that she will pay some rather painful consequences if she's dares to try it ever again. As you've already seen, talking to her is not going to get the job done!!
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 9:45 AM on Mar. 16, 2011

  • I dont spank and never have and find other things work just as well. Start taking things she loves away. Tell her you love her very much and you know she doesnt act this way in school and she cannot treat you this way or there will be real consequences for her behavior. My kids were always involved in things they loved doing (girl scouts, boy scouts, cheer, baseball etc) so when they were not being good I wouldnt let them go. Id make them go watch a game from the bleachers too so they could see what they were missing. I still take things away, from cell phones, TV time, cheerleading, baseball, car keys, at 10 it was sleep overs, talk time on the phone, and I would strip their rooms to basically nothing and theyd have to earn it back. You just have to make her see your mean business.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 9:49 AM on Mar. 16, 2011

  • I don't have that age of a child yet, but I remember feeling out of control at that age mad at the world and not sure why. Then again my world fell apart when my parent split. Anything "big" like that going on? Also could she be getting ready for puberty? One more thing, maybe a family friend could speak with her, maybe take her to lunch and gently ask questions, she maybe more open with some one else. The one thing about this is your friend should tell your daughter that what she says stays between them and unless she is in serious trouble she won't tell you. Then make sure your friend doesn't tell you. She could keep it vague and say like she is struggling with school, but that is it. No matter how much you want to know, she needs to trust this friend. Just my opinion based on what I wanted when I was young. Hope it helps.
    FebPenguins

    Answer by FebPenguins at 9:50 AM on Mar. 16, 2011

  • Have you considered letting her take control of some of those things? For example if she doesn't like what you're having for breakfast, she can make her own within reason (you can give her two choices), and if choose none she doesn't eat, same with the lunch incident. As far as telling her things, if you're reminding her about things - stop for a few days and let her figure it out on her own. I think at this age kids want more control, my son at 9 saw his older brother getting more priviledges (he's 4 years older) and fought me on things as well. There were things I refused to give into, but I let him make a lot more of his choices and mistakes. Forgetting homework, or lunch money - those became his problem not mine. I think talking can work, make it consistent every day. When we really have an issue I take away freedom (in my house taking away anything else doesn't matter), taking away friends does the trick. Good luc
    blessedwboysx3

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 11:07 AM on Mar. 16, 2011

  • Wow, I can't imagine having a child like this. My dh and I are rather strict..always have been and we don't have any trouble with our 9 and 12 yr olds. We did some spanking though when they were younger..not much..but a little. After a time all I had to do was ask if their bottom needed a visit from my paddle. Now I just have to give them a look. We always raised the boys..."because we said"..if it comes from us there is no explanation needed. I also run a kitchen, not a restaurant.....clothes are taken to the laundry room and put in the right bin or they get taken back to their room...if I have to clean their room stuff gets thrown away....I suppose I am probably a bitch Mom, but this is how my Mom raised me and imo I turned out very well.

    Good luck!
    yourspecialkid

    Answer by yourspecialkid at 12:01 PM on Mar. 16, 2011

  • I feel like she sees you more as a friend than an authority figure, and just as you probably don't like your friends bossing you around or telling you how to do things, she probably doesn't either. Is DH around? If he was, I would go to him and you both sit down and have a talk with her about respecting you (it won't work though if he doesn't respect you himself...), and the consequences of her not respecting you (you prob. need to talk about this beforehand...). As for the food thing, I know it sounds mean, but this is what I do with both my kids and the kids that come over to my house who many times are like your daughter at their own houses... I put the food in front of them, and if they start to complain, I say, "Well, you either eat what I gave you, or you don't eat at all!" If they won't eat it, I put it away and then take it out next meal or snack time and put it back in front of them... if they pitch a fit...
    momof2redhedz

    Answer by momof2redhedz at 12:34 PM on Mar. 16, 2011

  • ... I tell them the same thing and say, "We don't waste food in my house...." and just keep repeating it. It doesn't matter if I cook something else for dinner, they get what they wouldn't eat before... every kid that comes to my house or even my own kids no longer complain about what is set before them. I am consistent in it and they know I mean business... If they just eat it then they are fine and we don't go through this little battle of wills... As for the rest of her behavior, I would put her into time out and not let her out till she was reasonable... then I would tell her how disappointed I was in her, because I thought that she was my big girl, and big girls do not speak like that. I would then tell her, if she was going to keep acting like she was little, then she would be treated like she was little... I wouldn't ask her opinion, I would find a babysitter for her while I went shopping, etc. Things she would want....
    momof2redhedz

    Answer by momof2redhedz at 12:41 PM on Mar. 16, 2011

  • .... To do with you, that as a little girl she wouldn't have much fun doing, but as a big girl she would.... I fully believe in teaching them that every action has a reaction, and that their choices(aka her choosing to shout at you...) are the action, and the reaction (whatever you choose as punishment...) is because they chose it. I tell my kids, "If you do this, then this will happen... but if you do this, then this will happen... you choose which thing you want to happen and then do the thing that will make that happen... it's your choice." then leave it at that... IE: If you choose to eat the food that is in front of you, then you will get ___ at snack time.... if you don't choose to eat what is in front of you right now, you will get this again at snack time while everyone else who is eating their food gets this ___. Your choice" and leave it at that... Hope that helps a little...!
    momof2redhedz

    Answer by momof2redhedz at 12:46 PM on Mar. 16, 2011

  • First, she is way too old to spank until she becomes obedient. That is just plain wrong. Part of her attitude is probably her hormones going crazy because puberty is coming on. She IS at the age for it to start. Second, let her have some choices. Just because she is a kid doesn't mean she shouldn't have choices. Third, IGNORE the attitude. Let her know that you will only respond to her when she talks nicely. Fourth, just because she has an attitdue doesn't mean she is some disobedient, disrespectful brat. ALL of us went through puberty and the teen years and I am pretty sure ALL of us had attitdues at times. I know I was, yet I am a very respectful person to my parents and all elders. My son is 14 and has a major attitude but he is still respectful to me, It is part of growing up and becoming an adult. They needs choices and consequences. Keep communicaton open and she may open up about why she is so crabby.
    tyfry7496

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 3:03 PM on Mar. 16, 2011

  • I think it's good that you don't spank. probably wouldn't work anyway.

    it's probably hormones. she reminds me of myself at that age. I don't remember getting everything taken away like she has, but I think that some of the things my mom took away I never did get back because I was so stubborn!
    I'm 40 now, maybe if I call mom and nice nicely she'll give me my operation game back?????????

    I guess stick to your guns, and maybe use her ipod so that you don't have to hear her complaining :)
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:08 PM on Mar. 16, 2011

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