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He'll make time for his friends, but no time for his family?! WTH?!

So my 20 y/o son was up 'til at least 4 am (he worked late last nite) A friend called him about 11am to get a ride to work & he jumped right up & took him. Then came home & went back to bed, ignoring some important things that need to get done. It's so frustrating that he makes time for other things/people, but not his own family & personal priorities! I just wanna shake the boy! Any advice on dealing w/ a totally frustrating "adult" child?!

 
mrsmom110

Asked by mrsmom110 at 1:38 PM on Mar. 16, 2011 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 48 (281,387 Credits)
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Answers (14)
  • No advice. I have a son whose almost 19 and does the same thing. Right now his friends are his world, and he is making his own life. Eventually they DO grow out of it. It just takes time. My dd is almost 22 and married with 2 kids and I see her all the time now, even still, sometimes she will not want to do stuff with us. They are grown.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 1:41 PM on Mar. 16, 2011

  • I am so sorry his Dad died. That must be very painful for everyone involved. But it should not excuse his growing up. Its not like you are being mean about it and you are going to stop being there for him. My Mom had kicked me out at 18. I made $5.25 per hour at 20...about $600 per month before taxes and was going to school. My rent was $270 plus I paid utilities and car insurance. I ate baked potatoes &salad. I usually would have $5 left over for gas. It made me strong appreciative, I learned my priorities. (just food for thought) Maybe you could charge him rent or set some rules (boundries) with consequences. Example...point out what you are providing for him and ask him for some help....otherwise he wont have it anymore. As painful as it can be life continues and so must he. Are you holding onto him because you have lost his Dad too? It hurts and I'm sorry. Is he depressed?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:03 PM on Mar. 16, 2011

  • Yes, tell him he needs to go live somewhere else.
    Zakysmommy

    Answer by Zakysmommy at 1:39 PM on Mar. 16, 2011

  • Well, at 20 he SHOULD have his own life. That is why we raised our children (25, 24, 23, 21,20 and 19) to be independent people. They were raised knowing that unless they were in school (high school or college) they were not able to live at home any more. After high school they either got a college education (at a school AWAY from home, to learn to become independent people) & came home on school breaks OR they got full time jobs and earned enough to pay their own way in life. Three went on to college and within 3 mos. of college graduation had jobs in their chosen professions and their own apartments and 2 went in to the Army. One got out after 5 years in and he was only with us for 3 weeks before he got in to his own place and the other just left for basic last July and arrived at his 1st duty station last week. All of my children can take care of themselves. Your son, at 20, should as well.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:29 PM on Mar. 16, 2011

  • Also, at 20 YES...if my child was NOT in school I most certainly would let them know that their time at home and living with us was done with. Even if they were non-violent and didn't use drugs. Adult children today are often spoiled and feel a sense of entitlement. At 20 I had been married for almost a year and a half, had a child and a month after I turned 20 I conceived my 2nd child and at 20 my husband had been married for 6 mos. and his 1st child was on the way, he was in the military. Both of us were independent people who could take care of ourselves.

    So, if your son is spending more time with his friends....that is NORMAL. . It's kind of like potty training...when they are at the age to know that being wet and poopy isn't pleasant we know it's time to potty train. So is it when they start to focus more on their friends and social life....it's time for him to have his own placeand to be independent of you!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:33 PM on Mar. 16, 2011

  • If you can't kick him out or give him responsibilities that he has to take care of to live at home - then you have to get over it since he is an adult.

    You say he has a job and covers his personal expenses - then he CAN afford rent and utilities in a ROOM MATE situation!
    twinsplus2more

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 7:07 AM on Mar. 17, 2011

  • mrsmom-if he is being irresponsible then you are not turning your back on him by kicking him out, you are teaching him that he can't mooch off mom and dad indefinitely. I am dealing with a somewhat similar situation (though this kid is violent) with an adult stepson, and dont feel I'm turning my back on him, I've just had enough of his BS. If your son "doesn't have a place to go" that's HIS fault for not looking sooner-I really dont get this idea a lot of grown boys seem to have of only out when they're forced to. He could have gotten a part-time job at the age of 16, 17, and started saving up for his own place. Living with roomates is VERY affordable, living in a studio is VERY affordable. Nothing saying he cant do two jobs to survive if that's what it takes (though in his current situation it's quite possible that he'd just have to give up spending money). He doesn't have kids, he has time for 2 jobs. When I moved out on
    purplerobin

    Answer by purplerobin at 1:19 PM on Mar. 17, 2011

  • my own I did that and I survived just fine. You said he's an adult, mama, now he needs to act like one.
    purplerobin

    Answer by purplerobin at 1:20 PM on Mar. 17, 2011

  • Mom, you and his family will always been there. But friends have a thing about coming and going. So yes mom, his priority are a little screw up but he will get it togather some day.
    Parka54

    Answer by Parka54 at 6:21 AM on Mar. 18, 2011

  • lol hes a grown man now not a baby id tell if you dont like how hes acting to go live somewhere else where im sure hed b alot happier
    myboysRmyhero

    Answer by myboysRmyhero at 1:41 PM on Mar. 16, 2011

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