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How do i get my husband to disipline my step son so Im not the bad guy and my children quit getting bullyied and Im not disrespected anymore?

This is an ongoing battle at my house. We have an unruly thirteen year old who my husband will not punish. He has no problem getting on to his other son or my other children but we have one that needs the most help and he gives him free passes to lie get bad grades bully the others disrespect him and myself. Everytime I address the issue with him he gets defensive and says Im picking on his son. Or says its not the way i say it cuz he doesnt see the behavior as bad when he gets home. Im HERE ALL DAY i see everything. its like he walks around with blinders on when he is home. HOW DO I WAKE HIM UP! Its gotten so bad we fight about it every night its destroying our relationship. Ive started thinking about leaving him to keep my sanity and protect the rest of the kids from physical and emotional abuse from the thirteen year old.

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momof5boys28

Asked by momof5boys28 at 10:29 AM on Mar. 17, 2011 in General Parenting

Level 2 (9 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • Do you have a webcam? Or a tape recordes?
    grammawjo

    Answer by grammawjo at 10:34 AM on Mar. 17, 2011

  • He doesn't see it, but apparently he doesn't trust your judgement, either. Has he asked the other children what their story is? Of course, if they are intimidated by him, they may not come right out and tell him everything. You need to tell them to talk to dad and tell him the whole truth. It needs to stop before he really hurts someone.
    Kimimale

    Answer by Kimimale at 10:34 AM on Mar. 17, 2011

  • I would tell him one more time that I'm no longer going to put up with the bad behavior. I would tell him that since he won't take charge of it, I will be handling it myself, even if it means calling the police. Then do it! He will either take charge or he won't. Do not leave him, but rather tell him that if this arrangement doesn't suit him and he is not willing to do what needs to be done, he can take his son and leave. All decisions must be put on him, except for the one you are making to get your household under control. You must make the point to him that you are no longer going to live at the mercy of a 13-year old bully. It's time for you to take charge of this situation. There are some other consequences for hubby that I would throw into the mix, but since I don't know yours, I don't know whether those would work with him or not. Just think about things that are meaningful to him and take those away!
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 10:36 AM on Mar. 17, 2011

  • I would also talk to the Mom and his Grandparents. Maybe talk to the school. The kid is trying to break you two up.
    mandyandthree

    Answer by mandyandthree at 10:41 AM on Mar. 17, 2011

  • No web cams but the other children get threatned by the thirteen year old not to tell. Ive heard it myself. But hes quick to tell on any of them. He likes seeing others get punished. Like hel hit or wrestle with my five year old then tell on my five year old for hitting back and my five year old will be punished. I tell my husband that Im sure micah instigated it and we need to investigate but its one kids story verses the other and my thirteen has a lying problem. I know because i watch him when hes not looking. My husband feels guilty because he was out of his life for a few years and now hes not parenting hes trying to be a friend and get his kid to like him. Its getting dangerous for everyone and hes creating a teen that in a couple years could end up in jail or on drugs. Not to mention killing our relationship and sending the other kids mixed messages.
    momof5boys28

    Comment by momof5boys28 (original poster) at 10:41 AM on Mar. 17, 2011

  • I know the kids are trying to break us up. and ive tried throwing consequences at my husband. Ive spoken with the grandma and shes on my side, shes told my husband the thirteen year old is out of control and he needs a handle on it. Ive told him to take his son and go if he wont be a father but I really dont want to separate over it, we have a child together and thats not gonna help the thirteen yearl old anyway. Im here as his step mom to safe him but I need my husband to quit thinking Im attacking him and LISTEN to me. I love him and ALL the kids. I have everyones best interest at heart. But im only twenty eight and im feeling like maybe I took on more than I can handle.
    momof5boys28

    Comment by momof5boys28 (original poster) at 10:46 AM on Mar. 17, 2011

  • Oh, sweet lady, this has been such a common problem in my home as well. The only thing that differs is that he used to stay with us (visitation) but his mom alienated him from his father. So, this sort of behavior was almost exact to your SS and my DH never believed me or took my side until the day he heard him say something to me and it was like a ton of stress that was lifted that day. Unfortunately, it went back to DH accusing me of picking on him, etc. which was never the case. Disciplining a step-child is almost impossible if both the husband and wife don't see eye to eye on it and openly discuss it. I was tempted to go to counseling over this because it seemed to eat at me. My SS is now 19 and smokes,lies didn't graduate with the rest of the class, doesn't care to get a job or go to college, has smoked pot, has no chores or accountability. So, long story short, seek some help or this will truly get out of hand.

    Philly247

    Answer by Philly247 at 10:52 AM on Mar. 17, 2011

  • Ive suggested counseling or even a boys home for the child (which WOOPS that was a mistake)
    momof5boys28

    Comment by momof5boys28 (original poster) at 10:59 AM on Mar. 17, 2011

  • Leave him. Protect your other children from him. Maybe if he's there alone with this unruly child he will see the true behavior and address it. Don't stay in any relationship where you and/or your children are abused by anyone. Get Out Now.
    meooma

    Answer by meooma at 11:00 AM on Mar. 17, 2011

  • i see that ur husband is trying to hind something that went on when he was a child , maybe u guys should try anger mangement classes cuz it sounds like ur stepson has issues , and it could be cuz of his mom
    frances693

    Answer by frances693 at 11:21 AM on Mar. 18, 2011

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