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How to encourage daughter to support dad's remarriage

My child is having a really hard time with her Dad getting remarried. The woman does not like children, she's never taken an interest in our child and in 4 years has spent maybe a total of 1 week around her. The fiance is from another country & has different values than we do. I want my ex to be happy and find someone but that someone should be a good fit especially with our daughter. I try to encourage my child to get to know her and support her Dad's choices, she's just not on board. It's to the point she is refusing to take part in the wedding and has asked to stop visits to her Dad. Any advice??

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:41 AM on Mar. 18, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • She doesn't have to support the marriage, she doesn't have to like the fiance, but she should respect her father. She needs to sit down with her father and talk to him about her feelings.
    twinsplus2more

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 11:46 AM on Mar. 18, 2011

  • He has spent one week with her in 4 years? Stepmom doesn't like kids. I wouldn't force her. Don't know how old she is, but sounds like she's smarter than she gets credit for. Kids have a good sense of personality. Politely refuse the offer of letting her be in the wedding party.
    Kimimale

    Answer by Kimimale at 11:49 AM on Mar. 18, 2011

  • Based on what you've said, I would not encourage her to get on board. It sounds like she has valid reasons for not getting on board. If I were you, I wouldn't say anything one way or the other. When she brings it up, just say that she needs to tell her dad. That way, you will not find yourself in the middle of a lot of unpleasantness. Just tell your child that you have confidence in the fact that she will do the right thing, but then let her decide what that "right thing" is.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 11:54 AM on Mar. 18, 2011

  • My daughter is 12 and her father and I live 500 miles apart. He flies in every 2 weeks to see her and is a great Daddy. His fiance is the one that chooses to not see her and has limited the amount of time she has been around. My daughter has tried talking to her Dad about her concerns but he does make the mistake of treating her like a 2 year old still. So frustrating trying to support my daughter's decisions but also trying to encourage her to foster a better relationship with this new step mom to be.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:57 AM on Mar. 18, 2011

  • Since the exs wife-to-be does not like kids,why r u even trying to force it? Leave it alone. your daughter is old enough to make her own decision about this. Don't make her take part in the wedding,she will probably feel very uncomfortable and out of place. I can totally understand how she feels. Just support your daughter in her decision.
    dancer

    Answer by dancer at 12:09 PM on Mar. 18, 2011

  • I wouldn't encourage my child to foster a relationship with anyone that's not interested in her. From what you've said, the woman does not like kids and has spent a total of 1 week around your child in 4 years. Explain to me how in the world can a 12 year old understand that she needs to foster and be on board with a woman who obviously isn't interested in her? Your ex husband travels 500 hundred miles every two weeks to see his child, despite the way his fiance feels, that in itself should tell you that you can only be grateful that this woman hasn't destroyed the father/daughter relationship. Focus on your child continuing her relationship with her father and stop trying to get her to like someone who doesn't like her.
    mom2mybabes

    Answer by mom2mybabes at 12:25 PM on Mar. 18, 2011

  • I applaud you for wanting to support your ex, please don't force your daughter. She doesn't like the stepmother and it sounds like the stepmother doesn't like her. It sounds like you're doing all you can, but I think you may be fighting a loosing battle.
    Though I agree you are doing the right thing by telling your daughter she needs to be respectful and all that, I think if you keep 'encouraging' her to foster a relationship with this woman daughter may view it as you trying to force her into it if she doesn't already.
    Maybe it's time to take step back and let her feel how she feels.
    I think it would probably be best if she participated in her Dads wedding since if she doesn't then it will be remembered and will be hard for many to get past.
    But you can't force her too, and if she is that against it, she could behave badly at the wedding. won't help anyone if that happens. need to consider both.
    good luck.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:28 PM on Mar. 18, 2011

  • I'd tell her that the people we love don't always make the choices we want for them but that we stand by them because we love them. She doesn't have to have a relationship with her future step mom she doesn't have to like her. As long as her father doesn't let his marriage change his efforts to maintain a relationship with DD it should be ok.
    kayslay

    Answer by kayslay at 1:55 PM on Mar. 18, 2011

  • Thank to all of you for the advice! My gut says let him fight this battle but I also know I need to be supportive to our daughter and teach her to respect his choices. Hopefully this won't change his commitment to our child and the bond they have, if it does this Mama just needs to be here to pick up the pieces. Thanks again!
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:17 PM on Mar. 18, 2011

  • I wouldnt force her. Let her deal with this in her own way. You just be there for her
    mandynjohnsmom

    Answer by mandynjohnsmom at 7:01 PM on Mar. 18, 2011

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