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4 Bumps

How am I supposed to respond to him (SO) after he told me all of the things "wrong" with me??

So I'm somewhat heartbroken- my SO and I have had a good relationship, it was rocky at first, but things have been better and we have pretty open communication- or so I thought...

Last night, after the tinniest of a disagreement- he unleashes this whole monologue about how I still always seem unhappy, or how I'm moody, "high maintenance" (he's never called me that before!), and that he's scared the closer we become the more I let my guard down and make him put up with shit. Oh, and he kept saying I complain a lot "still".

The reason I'm hurt is because we've had issues before- regarding me complaining (for good reason though, mind you) and I've made such a strong effort to change certain legitimate things, I go out of my way-- but it seems like it's never enough. I started crying because just the other night after we had sex we both talked about how happy we are, so to me- this was all out of nowhere!!!

Anyway, how do I respond? I wrote him a letter last night expressing myself- but he won't have time to read it until tonight, and I'm sure we'll talk when I get home from work. But I don't know what to say- I don't want to spin it on him, but I'm tired of acknowledging my faults and trying to change when I've accepted many things about him.

Also, a while ago it came out that in high school I had depression- that was seven years ago!! and after a man I loved was killed in Iraq (btw, SO thinks he was just a good friend)...and I haven't had it since, amidst an abusive relationship- being a single Mom- etc....but I feel like he tries to act like I do, I hate it.

Sorry for the novel, any advice would help- thanks!!


Asked by Anonymous at 3:27 PM on Mar. 18, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (12)
  • It seems that when you have problems like this, the "relapses" are focused on.... I'm not sure how to help you, but I will tell you this, a long time ago someone told me, make sure that each fight (or thing you say to cause a fight or disagreement) is worth a break up over...if it's not worth walking away from, then don't say anything.....My husband and I rarely have disagreements, I always ask myself, is this worth losing him over, or would I walk away from him if this doesn't happen or if this happens.... more often than not I find that I will complain to a close friend and never say anything to him about it...once it's out for me it's out, i stopped dwelling on minor things a long time ago. The things that I would walk away from our relationship over, we will sit down and talk about...never fight over.

    Answer by kitchenwitch78 at 3:38 PM on Mar. 18, 2011

  • Why don't you point out in your letter his imperfections too, and tell him that love is unconditional faults and all...

    Answer by older at 3:34 PM on Mar. 18, 2011

  • Hugs! I would say to him "people in glass houses should not throw stones. There are things about you that are not perfect, you have your own share of flaws as well, BUT notice I am not constantly pointing them out to you and asking that you change. It really hurts me that you keep going on and on about MY flaws --- even though I have been making a lot of effort to change. Maybe instead of harping at me, you should start looking at YOUR behaviors and start working to change YOU! One flaw you should change is your need to constantly pick at me about my flaws!"

    Answer by MizLee at 3:42 PM on Mar. 18, 2011

  • Just to clarify, the abusive relationship was my EX husband-- not my SO, who is really a great man- but I just don't know how to respond to all of his accusations....

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 3:28 PM on Mar. 18, 2011

  • im sorry mommy... i wouldnt want to be wiht someone like that (him) dont change yourself for him be who you are your a great person!!!!!

    Answer by kylansmommy09 at 3:30 PM on Mar. 18, 2011

  • thanks!, he's not asking to change fundamental things about me- they're legitimate like stop complaining and being less sensitive, but the thing is i DO try, he just focuses on the one time i don't...

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 3:31 PM on Mar. 18, 2011

  • Sorry, but I would tell him relationship counseling or the relationship is over. IF he was such a nice person, he wouldn't be talking to you the way he is. Who cares if you suffered from depression 7 years ago? IF he won't go for counseling, go yourself.

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 3:35 PM on Mar. 18, 2011

  • OK, It does sound like you may be suffering from slight depression not associated with your S/O. Remember though, he has feelings too. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in how WE feel that we can't see past our own noses from the other persons point of view. I think maybe you should see a Dr. & discuss how you are feeling in general. Once you become confident within yourself, others will gravitate to you. I would stop trying to explain how I feel, work on my issues & tell him to bear with you. But I really think you should seek help, perhaps it's an imbalance of hormones. Perhaps you need an outlet like a hobby of your own or an exercise class or yoga. Local libraries offer activities for free. "When you are happy, the whole world sings". Try not to blame your insecurities on him. If he treats you right in other ways and is a good man, then be honest with yourself.


    Answer by ILovemyPaulie at 3:40 PM on Mar. 18, 2011

  • Love what MizLee said.

    Answer by meooma at 6:37 PM on Mar. 18, 2011

  • I'd have wonder why he likes to dwell on your short comings? Is he insecure? Show me one person that is perfect. On second thought, what time of the day does he actually walk water? I'd pay to see it.

    Answer by debnich501960 at 10:52 PM on Mar. 18, 2011