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What would you do in my shoes?

I'm seriously considering leaving my hubby after 15 yrs of marriage. He's Bipolar and is medicated after 11yrs of begging him to get help. It only does so much and he feels like every thing he does is fine. He has put us in many financial disasters, and has made painful situations like our child dieing all about him. For instance, he was speaking at our childs funeral and when he was done he kept asking me if he sounded good and if he should be a preacher. I'm tired of him always trying to quit his job and trying to convince me that hes goning to be a laywer or a nurse or a police officer, ect. I've talked to him about divorce before and he thinks that if he kisses me and tells me he loves me that it will all be fine. But its not. I'm very tired and have two children to raise, and I work full time. Am I being horrible for just wanting to give up and be by myself?


Asked by Anonymous at 12:26 AM on Nov. 25, 2008 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (13)
  • No, you are not being horrible. I'm bipolar, and there have been times when my family has had to abandon me for their own good. Sometimes you need to leave a person to get control of your life, and take care of your children properly. My mother has left me in various different facilities over the years. I mean really left me. She had a doctor admit me, and told me not to contact her once they released me. She has done that three times, and my parents had to take my son once. It hurt every time, but now I realize everything they did, was actually for the best. The physciatrist I have now has me on the correct dosage of medication, so I've been stable for about four years now. I'm in school, and focused. Bipolar is like any other disease, it is treatable with hard work, and the correct medicine.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:54 AM on Nov. 25, 2008

  • I hate to make it seem like I'm not being sympathetic, but have you tried counseling? Maybe if you learned how to better help him with his mental illness, he would get better at controlling the things he does. I have OCD and it gets worse all the time. If I didn't have people to help with the rough spots, I would get into pretty bad situations myself. Maybe also talking to his doctor about the meds only doing so much. THey aren't supposed to discuss it with you because of the hipa laws, but if you go with him to the appointments, you can just put in your two cents and the doc will have to see it from another persons perspective. With bipolar, he may happen to be in an "up" mood with the doc and then swing to low spots or into manic episodes at other times., Try getting help before giving up. Come here to vent, no one thinks bad of anyone else for doing that.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:44 AM on Nov. 25, 2008

  • i would be leaving and no you would be horrible

    Answer by bonnie-jo at 12:46 AM on Nov. 25, 2008

  • My mom just left her boyfriend of 20 years, he is the same, he has grand dreams, grand stories, and no ambition, she now feels so free and no longer bogged down by his strange behavior, to no longer be influenced by other people's views can really change your outlook. If you are happier your kids will be too. you only live once do it the way that makes you the happiest.

    Answer by infor2 at 12:57 AM on Nov. 25, 2008

  • I wouldn't advocate just leaving him right now. You've been in the marriage for a very long time and I understand that there is a lot of hurt and anger from you right now, and rightly so. Mental illness is a very hard thing to have to deal with, not just the spouse or partner but all family and friends and especially the person who has the mental illness.

    Answer by munch12502 at 1:15 AM on Nov. 25, 2008

  • I suffer from mental illness and it's been a very hard thing in my 7 year marriage. My medications have to monitored closely and changed frequently. I have to be honest with my doctor...if I go in on a good day it's a lot easier to tell him things are going great. I think you going to the doctor with your husband will help to give the doctor a better idea of how things are really going.

    It's not easy loving someone like that. But you've loved him this long and if he loves you and you want to be happy I would suggest exercising every option available before calling it quits.

    Answer by munch12502 at 1:15 AM on Nov. 25, 2008

  • Perhaps leaving would give him incentive to make one of those dreams come true.

    Answer by admckenzie at 1:43 AM on Nov. 25, 2008

  • My exhusband has bipolar and it is by far the most difficult thing I have dealt with. I had to leave; I couldn't do it anymore. I also have a brother and a DD with bipolar, so I really know how it is! First of all, you would NOT be horrible for leaving him! There is a medical aspect which is significant. HOWEVER! There is also personal responsibility to take care of oneself and my ex did NOT do that and it doesn't sound as if yours is either. You have children you have to raise. With the death of your other child - to which DH will not allow you to separate from attention on him which is wrong (and I can TOTALLY see that taking place) you and your other children have significant issues to work through. You need to take care of yourself!! You cannot help your other children and take care of them if you are not taking care of YOU!



    Answer by Babylove76 at 1:44 AM on Nov. 25, 2008

  • *cont'd*

    Whether you leave and divorce your DH, that can be decided later. Right now you and your children need to heal and he will not allow you to do that properly without him being the center of this attention and that is absolutely NOT going to promote healing. It will only promote resentment from you and your children. I know that other's may bash me for saying this to you - that DH has a mental illness and he can't help it. That is not entirely true. He needs to realize (AND HE CAN!!) that this tragedy happened to everyone in the family!! Not just him!! His behavior about the funeral made me sick when I read it because I can just see my ex doing the same exact thing! Feel free to PM me. I understand what you are dealing with and I will listen and help in whatever way I can.

    Answer by Babylove76 at 1:44 AM on Nov. 25, 2008

  • Anon 12:54 ~

    Your answer brought tears to me because I KNEW KNEW KNEW my ex could and should be expected to be responsible for his actions yet this is the first time that I have seen someone admit this. I spent years struggling with "is it completely out of his control or does he choose to refuse to do what he needs to do?" Thank you SO much for sharing your personal story! I am touched.


    Answer by Babylove76 at 2:10 AM on Nov. 25, 2008