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Rebuilding Trust (possibly long, but please help)

How do you rebuild the trust? My BF of 2 years lied to me (about what is a big deal, but lets just keep is simple for now).... and now, i'm beginning to question EVERYTHING in our relationship; has he lied before? what else will he lie about? he kept up this lie for 2 weeks until I confronted him about it... so is it possible for him to lie and live in that lie for how long?!

He says that he was wrong, but- not as an excuse- but he lied b/c when he asks if I'm okay, I'm not truthful with him (I'll say I'm fine even if I'm really not)... but that's how I grew up. I've been working on it since being with him, but it's my fall back defense mechanism.

Am I wrong to question our entire relationship/everything that he says? Part of me says yes, but part of me says no... I was lied to by EVERYONE (parents, friends, exes, etc) my ENTIRE life. So am I putting my past problems onto him, or am I justified in questioning it all?

I don't want to break up with him- and I think I want to work it out... But how do we/how does HE rebuild that trust? (If I can't get over this trust thing, then the relationship is doomed)

As far as I know, this is the first/only time he lied to me, but then again, I question what else he lied to me about, especially since I have no proof of previous lies.

Answer Question
 
Shy_Dia

Asked by Shy_Dia at 12:00 PM on Mar. 19, 2011 in Relationships

Level 15 (2,142 Credits)
Answers (17)
  • I think you have to decide if what happened is something you can get over and move on from. If not, you will only hurt yourself in the long run. Don't make yourself crazy following behind him and checking up on him all the time. He needs to realize that he has to do things according to what makes you comfortable for a little while until you feel you can trust him again. If you feel like he has made an effort to gain your trust, then I say move forward with the relationship
    mommyxdos

    Answer by mommyxdos at 12:05 PM on Mar. 19, 2011

  • It would matter to me what the lie was about . . . . certain small things wouldn't bother me, but a big thing like cheating or drug use could be a deal-breaker.

    If you two decide to move forward, just tell him, "Lying in a relationship is unnacceptable to me." "You need to be completely honest with me from today forward. If you do not intend to, please leave, because when it happens again, I will."
    ImaginationMama

    Answer by ImaginationMama at 12:06 PM on Mar. 19, 2011

  • he had a FB status, saying that he is excited for April 23rd.. i asked him what it was about, and he said him and his dad were planning to do stuff the entire day... i found out later that day, he was invited to a wedding with his ex, that's why he was excited.. that was 2 weeks ago and just last night, i finally confronted him (wanted him to come clean- but he never did)... with this girl, i'm really insecure about b/c of their past, but i had trust in HIM so i let it go... and now that trust is gone, i have no idea what to do. i'm leaving the decision to go to the wedding to him, but i feel that if he does go, i'm done. b/c he lied to me- and at this point, i cant trust his intentions with her (he can say nothing will happen/did happen-- but how am i supposed to believe that since he had already lied to me?)

    so its not technically cheating, but to me, it feels like he was getting ready to cheat.
    Shy_Dia

    Comment by Shy_Dia (original poster) at 12:17 PM on Mar. 19, 2011

  • is he still planning to go to wedding without you?
    fiatpax

    Answer by fiatpax at 12:21 PM on Mar. 19, 2011

  • if he lied about going to this wedding withour you
    then he did have cheating intent
    fiatpax

    Answer by fiatpax at 12:24 PM on Mar. 19, 2011

  • not sure. he said that if i didnt want him to go, if it'll cause us more problems/tension, then he wont go.. but i dont want to be the one to make that decision for him.. b/c its not just the wedding, its also before/after teh wedding- if they hang out. which i kinda knew that they would, if she ever came back... i was okay with that- BEFORE he lied to me about her/the situation.

    i want him to make the decision that he wont go- that he wont see her. b/c if i make that decision, i feel i'm making a decision for him, regarding our relationship. if he decides to go/hang out, i feel that we are done, that he has chosen her over me. if he decides not to go/not to hang out, then we can possibly fix the relationship b/c he cares about me/US, more then her/them.. does that make sense?
    Shy_Dia

    Comment by Shy_Dia (original poster) at 12:25 PM on Mar. 19, 2011

  • And his expressed excitement on FB would have made me lose my mind!
    mommyxdos

    Answer by mommyxdos at 12:27 PM on Mar. 19, 2011

  • he said he lied b/c he didnt know how i'd take it.. that he was gonna tell me soon (either before his bday; 3/25, or way before the wedding). and i understand the thing about not sure how i'd take it-- i mean, i could've been okay with it, then got insecure, then mad, etc... but that shouldnt matter in a relationship, right? part of a relationship is being able to handle how the other person reacts.

    (for the record- if he was honest with me from the beginning, i would've been okay with him going, i would've trusted him that nothing would happen, but now, i feel like i cant trust him- in anything. )
    Shy_Dia

    Comment by Shy_Dia (original poster) at 12:28 PM on Mar. 19, 2011

  • lol i didnt care about the FB comment... i mean, i'm getting to the point (at least, i was) where they were friends- friends talk, and i'd be excited to see an ex that i was still friends with.. hell, i'd be excited to see anyone that i havent seen in over 2 years! so that doesnt phase me.. its just the lying that hurts the most. =(

    i feel like i'm more easy going than most girls; most females would be like hell no, you cant talk to an ex... hell no you cant be excited to see her.. and HELL NO you are NOT going to the wedding, or even hanging out with the girl when she's in town! if he never lied, i wouldnt care- i'd be okay with them hanging out, with him excited/wanting to see her, going to teh wedding, etc... but since he lied, its like the foundation of our relationship broke.

    and let me add that HE is the reason why i hold telling the trust to such a high standard now! talk about hypocrite (sp?)
    Shy_Dia

    Comment by Shy_Dia (original poster) at 12:31 PM on Mar. 19, 2011

  • It's ok for him to lie to you because you tell him you're fine when you might not be? That was an excuse, and a poor one. He's planning to attend a wedding with another woman, and wasn't going to tell you? That's dishonesty all the way. And he was excited? I would tell him that he can have her, get out of my life. I went thru that with a husband, for many years. I was miserable. Every time I found out he lied, it just made it that much harder to be around him. He is not being faithful to you. If he was faithful, he would have told you the truth. He's hiding something. I'd be willing to bet he thinks he can either have her for the night or get back together with her. I would feel like a "convenient piece" in your place. Sorry to vent, just that I've been there. Bad feelings came rushing back.
    Kimimale

    Answer by Kimimale at 12:34 PM on Mar. 19, 2011

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