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Anyone else a birthmom?

How did you learn to move on from all the hurt? I just placed my baby three months ago and i love the adoptive parents, they're very sweet, its just been really hard of late.I'm in counceling but im just curious on how others handled it

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Meyka

Asked by Meyka at 11:48 AM on Nov. 25, 2008 in Adoption

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Answers (25)
  • this will hang with the rest of your life, it will be hard and if it is too hard and you want the baby back go get the baby ....i wish i had took my own advice 23 years ago when i had to give up my baby , i was too young and no where to live. but things are better this days there are places you can go with your baby and they will help you with parenting, health services, jobs, transportation etc, so if you really regret and can't stop thinking about your baby go get her/him back.....you gave birth to the baby the baby is a part of of you and will always be in your heart and if you go get your baby back please don't be sad for the adoptive parent they will understand.....just remeber you gave this child life and you can take care of him/her with just a little help.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:21 PM on Nov. 25, 2008

  • I am a birthmother. I also parent my oldest and expecting again in May. I plan to keep this one. My birthdaughter is 16 months. Her aparents are wonderful people. I know you are in a lot of pain. I have been there and to be honest still there. But for me, with time, it has gotten easier. Do you have an open or closed adoption? Do you get pics and visits? My daughter was born in July 07 and I got pics that I would look at ALL the time. I am also in counseling but I dont think that really works. Yeah its great to get those feelings out but for me, I could easily journal them and feel the same when Im done. I got to see my daughter in May of 08 for our annual visit. And although it was only 4 hours, it has helped me heal A LOT!!!

    TLW514

    Answer by TLW514 at 12:42 PM on Nov. 25, 2008

  • cont......Of course I am still sad, of course I want her with me, of course I want to be her mommy but at the end of the day, I knew at the time of birth I couldnt be. I was homeless and had nothing. I understand how you feel and if you ever wish to talk, please feel free to PM me ANYTIME!!!
    TLW514

    Answer by TLW514 at 12:42 PM on Nov. 25, 2008

  • My daughter that was adopted is 16 years old now. It doesnt really get easier...sorry to say. It does change over time. I still miss her so much though. I have other kids (had a son already when she was born too). If I could have known that my circumstances would change as they did, I would have never chose adoption. Of course, how could I know. I havent seen her since she was 2 days old. I can only hope I will get to see her again someday. I havent got a new picture in 2 years (not holding much hope out on the pics though)
    lisa89j

    Answer by lisa89j at 2:00 PM on Nov. 25, 2008

  • Anon 12:21 "if it is too hard and you want the baby back go get the baby"

    You realize that would be KIDNAPPING, right? Even if the adoption is not yet finalized, she would have no legal rights to the baby after signing TPR. It's just wrong to put something like that in her mind.

    OP: I'm not a birth-parent (or an adoptive-parent or an adopted child) so there is no way for me to know what you are going through. The pain and loss must be horrible. The best advice I could give would be to continue your counseling. Make sure your counselor is educated in counseling birth-parents and tell him/her how you are feeling. Best of luck to you...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:46 PM on Nov. 25, 2008

  • I placed my little girl for adoption 11 years ago. I still think of her all the time and I still love her very much. But I know I made the right decision for her. I know it does not seem like it right now, but things do get easier. I'm glad to hear you are in counseling, I wish I had gotten help instead of thinking I could just handle it myself. Three months is not very long so it is understandable that you are still having a difficult time. I know what worked for me to begin to heal was just time and a lot of prayers. Just remember it's ok to be sad, it's ok to miss and love her and it's definitely ok to cry. All of those things help. Grief has several stages and people work through them at different paces and in different ways. I will keep you in my prayers and pray that God will bring you peace and comfort. And please feel free to PM me anytime. Sometimes it just helps to talk to someone who has been there.
    bkbecca

    Answer by bkbecca at 3:04 PM on Nov. 25, 2008

  • Anon 12:21...

    I believe in some states, someone quote me if I am wrong, but in some states the birthmother has 3 or 5 months to change her mind, and she can take the baby back quite legally during that time. Some states it is final pretty fast, just depends on where you live I think. But if the reasons she placed the baby still stand, and they are good solid reasons, then she should consider things quite carefully before she makes that choice. And it is something that will impact the baby greatly, as the baby has been with another family for several months and is attached, so all of these things would need to be considered and taken seriously.
    love4thelost

    Answer by love4thelost at 3:19 PM on Nov. 25, 2008

  • I'm not sure if I fall under this category but I was a surrogate mother. Its hard but you have every right to get your baby back if you want. Otherwise, keep going to counseling, you'll never forget the baby!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:56 PM on Nov. 25, 2008

  • The pain never really goes away.

    (Going on 6 years now)

    BTW...I'm pro-choice, now.
    MamaK88

    Answer by MamaK88 at 5:18 PM on Nov. 25, 2008

  • Are you still in contact with the a-parents of your child. Maybe if you were to get pictures or a visit with her, it would help. As far as just go get your baby back....that doesn't happen anymore. Talk with them....let them know it is difficult for you right now that you are thinking of her. Anyone with a heart would let you visit, etc. as long as you didn't pull some sort of goofy stunt like some of the posters have suggested. I myself as a prospective a-mom have really come to realize that the measure of my joy is also going to be the measure of someone elses pain. I don't think adoption has to be this horrible, life destroying thing. Maybe I feel like that because I believe as long as the child is safe, why shouldn't I let that child experience love from EVERYONE that is willing to give it. Love is too hard to come by and life is too short. Good luck to you.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:55 PM on Nov. 25, 2008

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