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I want to leave my husband when he makes comments like this

so its only 8:50 here and already the day is off to a shitty start. our older kids, 2 and 4, spent the night with grandma. i thought just having our 1 year old would be a nice break. WRONG. yesterday he kept putting her in the playpen or crib because she was "interupting" his movie. i kept getting her right back out, im not going to throw my child into a playpen because she's being a child. he is cuban, naturally his whole family is loud so our children are loud. they don't do anything dainty-like or quiet. ive grown use to it and i grew up an only child with quiet, reserved italian & german parents. why cant he get used to it considering it's how he grew up!? anyway she woke up this morning around 8:30. i figured since it was just us, i didn't have to rush to get breakfast ready. i could let my coffee brew, and in the meantime just relax for a little bit with her. well, 1 year olds do not care that daddy is still sleeping. so she was being loud of course, not crying, just talking to me. he pokes his head out of the room and says, "can you shut her up!? give her some food or something." and slams the door. i was infuriated. i was so upset i started crying. what kind of immature "man" says something like that? are we 6 or 26? and i know hes going to come out soon and pretend its all okay. its NOT okay. his sleep is not more important than our kids. his movies are not more important than our kids. you would think a man who works 50 hours a week would cherish these moments he gets with them. instead he wants them to go somewhere else so he doesnt have to deal with them. im trying to stay calm so i dont say anything stupid when he gets up. but i am really fed up. its like having 4 children instead of 3. he does have ptsd issues hes working with at the VA, but clearly the therapy sessions aren't working yet.

 
tnm786

Asked by tnm786 at 8:57 AM on Mar. 20, 2011 in Relationships

Level 43 (159,608 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (15)
  • If you are having to "walk on eggshells" your children are sensing your anxiety and feeling it everytime that you do.
    They feel their fathers animosity as well.
    This living situation is going to reflect in their behaviour...they may act out in an attempt to get their father's attention (and end up making him more on edge) or they can become withdrawn and even regress in behaviour, they can (if this continues) develop mild learning disabilities.
    I hate to suggest this but you might want to consider a "trial" seperation.
    Situations, such as yours, rarely improve if they do improve it is because both partners seek joint counseling and private couseling.
    You should also read up as much as you can about how PTSD affects men and how it is for them readjusting to civilian life.
    For *some men with PTSD the simple noise that kids make everyday is a type of chaos in their heads similar to combat, weird but true.
    Good Luck!
    Missikat75

    Answer by Missikat75 at 11:19 AM on Mar. 20, 2011

  • You say that he works 50 hours a week and that the kids are naturally noisy. Does he get quiet time? Regardless of his upbringing, he may still occasionally need quiet time. That doesn't make being hateful okay or acceptable, but at the same time if he's not getting any peace and his requests are being ignored, it may explain some of his aggravation. If the way he is behaving is just something that happened last night and he is usually more accepting of the noise the kids make, it could just be disappointment over not getting a quiet night he was hoping for and that all his efforts he made were derailed. If it's becoming common, perhaps you should work on letting him have just an hour a day free from all the chaos so he can decompress. Either way, you need to talk to him calmly about how you feel and tell him that being hateful is not okay.
    mandaday

    Answer by mandaday at 9:04 AM on Mar. 20, 2011

  • You children do not need to be treated like this by their father. It's not about him or you. It's about them and how they will grow up. I would leave to save my children. Being treated like this could kill their self esteem. If he continues with counseling and gets better maybe you could give it another try, but in the mean time, if I were in your shoes, I would get them away from him.
    layh41407

    Answer by layh41407 at 9:03 AM on Mar. 20, 2011

  • Seriously it's very funny to hear from a dad for his own child to be put to shut up & that too for a child so small. He needs to understand that he is a parent & the kids deserves his time as well. Talk to him regarding this and there is a need to sort the matter out......
    AnuMeha

    Answer by AnuMeha at 9:01 AM on Mar. 20, 2011

  • Men don't view these moments of aloness as being "sacred, charished moments"..they view them as having more time to themselves to sleep or watch a movie. They live in their heads.
    If you want certain moments to be "special" you need to tell your honey exactly that. Since men don't use emotions (other than anger or competiteness) to guide them.
    Say to him "honey all the kids (minus baby) will be away, so I thought me, you and the little one would get some quality time together, than we could put her to sleep and just me and YOU will have special time together.
    PTSD is something very hard to deal with but what you have told me sounds like typical male behaviour of most men.
    Good Luck Sweetie!
    PM me if you would like additional advice anytime. :)
    Missikat75

    Answer by Missikat75 at 9:11 AM on Mar. 20, 2011

  • can the VA offer parenting class too?
    he gets his quiet time
    maybe he needs to learn to play and have fun WITH the kids
    it can be fun for him too, but he may have to be taught
    fiatpax

    Answer by fiatpax at 9:32 AM on Mar. 20, 2011

  • I am sorry. I am also sorry that a bet a lot of women will be able to relate.

    Is this new behavior? Did he do this with the older kids? Are they boys or girls? If this is new I would let his therapist know.
    pammomof9

    Answer by pammomof9 at 9:06 AM on Mar. 20, 2011

  • can the two of you get counseling together? though he may have his own quiet time, he still works 50 hours a week and is probably still stressed.
    I know you don't like it, but if he has PTSD then his behavior sounds plenty normal to me. It actually sounds like he's doing pretty well considering.
    what you have you been told about ptsd? Sounds like you could use some education on how to deal with the situation.
    I'm not blaming you, but what you consider unreasonable is plenty reasonable for someone with this disorder. Loud noises are often something that someone with PTSD can't deal with. you can't just make yourself be ok with it.
    I'd see if the VA hospital can help the two of you with dealing with all this.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:55 AM on Mar. 20, 2011

  • This is a decision only you can make. I would say talk to him but I am pretty sure that you have. Maybe have him talk about it with his counselor .
    Sorry that you have to go through this.
    Hope every thing works out for you.
    jnb71584

    Answer by jnb71584 at 10:04 AM on Mar. 20, 2011

  • If he doesn't like noise and interuptions then he shouldn't of had kids he needs to adjust to them and stop yelling at them and you. You need to talk to him about his attitude even if he gets mad but don't let him treat you like your a child to your his wife and the kids mom. Hope all works out
    dusty1962

    Answer by dusty1962 at 10:21 AM on Mar. 20, 2011