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2 Bumps

My 4 yr hasn't seen her real father since she was aout 2 yrs old. I have recently remarried and she calls my husband daddy. She has no recollection of her biodad should I tell her about him, if so at what age and how do I broach te subject with her

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singlemominUSN

Asked by singlemominUSN at 3:02 PM on Mar. 20, 2011 in Preschoolers (3-4)

Level 4 (31 Credits)
Answers (22)
  • is her bio dads family involved in her life? if not never mention it until she is older and is able to understand the truth. but do it before say age 10 I have a friend who has a 16 yr old and a 10 yr old from different men and the older one believes her dad is her sisters dad and would be, at this point hurt to know the truth
    alotleft2do

    Answer by alotleft2do at 3:07 PM on Mar. 20, 2011

  • Wait until she asks, then you'll know she's ready.
    Kimedbs

    Answer by Kimedbs at 3:08 PM on Mar. 20, 2011

  • Y do u even need to mention it? She will be upset and angry!! She will be on an emotional rollercoaster so will u and hubby!!!
    Why open up a can of trouble where there is not any? It would cause alot of harm. It is clear that he wants nothing to do with her. As far as u both r concerned he was a sperm donor and took off!!! Think it over!!! U will hurt her and your hubby as well!!! Don't do it! It sounds like all is good! U need to get the idea out of your head!!
    dancer

    Answer by dancer at 3:08 PM on Mar. 20, 2011

  • Thats pretty much what I thought. Before I met my husband I would try and try to encourage him to be in her life. But he alrady had three other daughters by two other women ( I did not know this while we were together) And I would hate for her to feel bad about herself because of his rejection. I just wanted input to make sure I was making the right decision. Thanks ya'll
    singlemominUSN

    Comment by singlemominUSN (original poster) at 3:11 PM on Mar. 20, 2011

  • Adoption workers, or the ones I have come into contact encourage parents to tell their children when they are young so that they always know in the back of their mind that they have another dad somewhere.

    I would tell her now and let her ask you questions about it. You don't have to make a big deal about it but just make her aware then move on.

    I think its better to do it this way then to tell a child when they are a teenager (and going through lots of changes) or when they are older because that is more of a shock and might be devastating to them. If they always know about it its less of an issue to them and they will learn to analyse it as they grow. I personally think your child will be hurt more if you tell her when she is grown - hurt that YOU didn't tell her sooner rather than just be hurt by her biodad not staying in contact.
    keyaziz

    Answer by keyaziz at 3:12 PM on Mar. 20, 2011

  • You can't protect your child from every hurt and its better to be open and honest for her now for both your sake and hers.
    keyaziz

    Answer by keyaziz at 3:12 PM on Mar. 20, 2011

  • Wow, tough question, and probably one without a 'right' answer. My kids' have not met their biological dad, so naturally they became curious about him at a young age. I answered their questions about him in honest, age appropriate ways. In your case, since your daughter has a father figure in her life, you may want to discuss this with your husband and see how he feels about it, given that he is the acting 'dad'. I think that its important for children to know the facts about their family, and she'd certainly rather learn about her "father" from you than from someone else. You'll be the best judge about when she's ready for that conversation, but I've found a helpful technique with my kids was talking about how all families are different, and, in your case, that just because your husband isn't her "real" daddy, doesn't mean he doesn't love her. That can be a tricky situation, but I hope it works out for you! Good luck!
    lytate95

    Answer by lytate95 at 3:13 PM on Mar. 20, 2011

  • To dancer........Think about this!..how would you feel if you NEVER knew that the father you grew up with wasn't your real dad?? Cmon now. Thats harsh.

    I think you should tell her when YOU feel she can understand. YOu know your child better than anyone. I would def tell her though. I'm in the same boat. So I have to go through it all too. It's gonna be tough....but I think it'll be okay.
    Keeely07

    Answer by Keeely07 at 3:15 PM on Mar. 20, 2011

  • i completely agree with keyaziz...shes totally right.
    Keeely07

    Answer by Keeely07 at 3:17 PM on Mar. 20, 2011

  • my oldest is 4 and my husband isn't her dad either. but he has been in her life since she was 6 months old. when she was 2 she started calling him daddy, and it was around the time him and i got pregnant and shortly after got married. her real dad bailed when i was pregnant, was around a handful of times before her first birthday, then bailed again and wanted to see her last year when she was 3. he insisted we tell her the "truth" and that she should know my husband is only her step-dad. i was really against it but when we met up at the park he brought it up. i told him he needs to start calling her then and seeing her regularly. well that lasted for about a week, and its been 10 months since that time. no visits or calls from him. luckily she forgot all about the ass, but she was very confused for a good couple of weeks. i would've waited until she was a little older to break the truth to her. she just didnt understand.
    tnm786

    Answer by tnm786 at 3:17 PM on Mar. 20, 2011

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