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5 Bumps

Verbally abusive husband.....

I guess I have always know that my husband is verbally abusive. I am a very strong, independent woman, so I don't feel like it has really affected my self-esteem and of coarse he has very good qualities or I wouldn't have married him. But, now that we have a baby (8 mo. old) I seriously only care about her. After an episode tonight, out of no where like they always are, I am really starting to consider leaving. I am a SHM right now and I know it would be a HUGE life change (but I did teach for 8 years and have a Masters).....but I just see visions of him speaking to me like he does in front of her as she grows up basically teaching her that it is ok and I DON'T want her to ever end up with someone who treats her like that. Funny how you care more about your children than yourself.

I am just tired of the random outbursts over God knows what when he is tired, stressed etc. Somehow I am the one to blame....the name calling ensues and I basically just have to leave. I have tried to "talk rationally" with him asking what outside of home has upset him and to try to make him realize that he is being abusive and I don't deserve it.....but as usual I am "crazy" , I instigate him, or I am the "problem"... blah, blah, blah. Now that I have a daughter, I just see it in a whole new light.

I wonder if counseling would help at all....if he would even go.
Thinking I should just get my shit together (job, etc.) and get the hell out.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:18 PM on Mar. 20, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (20)
  • my husband use to be like that when we first got married an after our first son was born.. i got a plane ticket went back home to visit my family when my son was 6 months old .. i REFUSED to go home, i was suppose to go back on his birthday but i deicded to 'miss' the plane.. and i told him exactly why he promised he would change i gave him one last chance.. 5 years later he has never done that again..
    maybe you need to go away for a couple days an let him know how it will affect his marriage an family..
    3HappylKidds

    Answer by 3HappylKidds at 9:21 PM on Mar. 20, 2011

  • He sounds like my possessive/abusive first husband. If I didn't think/act/say/do/react what HE thought I should think/act/say/do/react he got pissed off and it was my fault. Within six months of our marriage he broke every promise he made to me. On my 21st birthday he left his one and only bruise. That was his absolute LAST promise he had made to me; that he would never leave a mark on me. I walked out his door and into a lawyer's office.

    Your husband may not be physically abusive YET, but I say with 90% certainty, he will. Do you really want him to do anything to your precious little angel?
    Rosehawk

    Answer by Rosehawk at 9:24 PM on Mar. 20, 2011

  • You should try to see if you guys can go to a counselor first and if he does not want to tell me that he will lose you if you guys can not work out why he is verbally abusing you.
    If not then you need to look out for your little girl and YOURSELF!!
    Good luck.
    jnb71584

    Answer by jnb71584 at 9:25 PM on Mar. 20, 2011

  • The physical abuse part is in the back of my mind.....and I wouldn't put it past him. I just don't trust him in general which is a huge problem and makes me not want to be close to him obviously. It is the unpredictability.....I have never been around anyone like him and I sometimes question myself as to why I chose to be with him honestly.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:31 PM on Mar. 20, 2011

  • some man are verbally abusive. i say a lot . think in your baby and made him pay a child support. Is you and the baby are hell with him.
    GlitteribonMom

    Answer by GlitteribonMom at 9:35 PM on Mar. 20, 2011

  • Sure, marriage is hard work, but both of you have to be willing to work at it. My first instinct is to suggest counseling, but I'm bothered that he dismisses your concerns afterwards. My husband also sometimes gets mean when he's really stressed out and on edge, but afterwards he feels really bad. So he's been working hard on changing the way he deals with stress/anger, and we've seen a lot of improvement in our relationship. Does your husband know you are considering leaving, and would the seriousness of that make him change his mind about listening to you? If there is any chance he will genuinely participate, you should give therapy a chance. The best scenario is that you two fix your problems before your daughter becomes aware that you ever had them. Divorce should be the very last resort, but if all else fails and you really believe you and your daughter will be better off without him, you should leave.
    Sebbiemama

    Answer by Sebbiemama at 9:51 PM on Mar. 20, 2011

  • Okay, I just saw your comment about physical abuse being a possible concern... Honey, don't mess around with that. There is a HUGE difference between a guy who can be mean/verbally abusive and a man who might actually physically hurt a woman or child. A guy who has trouble controlling his mouth can be fixed - a guy who will hurt you is not worth fixing. I still hate to suggest divorce without knowing that you've tried everything reasonable to fix the relationship, but if you ever believe he might hurt you (or the child) pack a bag and leave!!!
    Sebbiemama

    Answer by Sebbiemama at 9:58 PM on Mar. 20, 2011

  • That is the main problem....he doesn't feel bad at all afterwards and sometimes has the nerve to tell me I need to apologize when I talk to him about it. He literally takes NO accountability for any of his harsh words or actions. I don't think telling him I would leave would do anything....I would actually have to just do it. I would love to sort it all out and feel "safe" with him before she ever knows what is going on.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:01 PM on Mar. 20, 2011

  • I KNOW he would never touch her....ever....ever, ever. He worships her....but he does raise his voice some to me around her which REALLY bothers me for many reasons. A) the obvious voice change B) the WAY he talks to me...he is teaching her it is ok. I really don't have a problem leaving now, honestly.....but if he ever showed signs of physical abuse I def wouldn't have trouble leaving.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:06 PM on Mar. 20, 2011

  • bump

    AnuMeha

    Answer by AnuMeha at 11:26 PM on Mar. 20, 2011

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