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How do I connect with my fiances daughter who is almost 3?

I have 4 children ages 5-19. My fiance has a daughter who is almost 3. She is with us for 5 days every other week. She runs wild. She has her own room, her own space, her own things yet she is wanting to play with my 5 year old and his toys. My 5 year old gets upset becasue she is very busy and doesn't give him any space. That causes him to act out. She throws his toys, takes them and taunts him yet my fiance seems to get upset at my 5 year old instead of his daughter. In my opinion he needs to be less protective of her and realize that he isn't being fair. Yesterday I was cuddling on the couch with my fiance. His daughter came up and was angry because she wanted daddy. She pulled on me and the blanket and told me in a very naughty whiny voice to move. He actually then supported it and asked me to move. I was shocked and asked if he was serious. I said if she asks nice I would be happy to move and give the two of you some time. I know that she is little and needs her daddy but he has made it very clear that she is priority and she basically runs the house and has her own rules. He is very protective and sensitive. I need some tips on discussing this with him without offending him or giving him the idea that I am trying to come in between them. I am very stressed out. Any advice would be great.

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sunshine1973127

Asked by sunshine1973127 at 2:16 PM on Mar. 21, 2011 in Preschoolers (3-4)

Level 1 (3 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • It sounds like connecting with her would be the first step.

    Reading a book on your lap is an excellent way to connect with a young child. There is a physical connection if she's sitting on you, and it's an excellent opportunity to have a conversation. You can talk about what happened in the story...her favorite picture, favorite part of the story...

    Then, next time she wants you to get away from dad tell her (so dad hears) that you love daddy too and you'll feel sad if you have to move away then suggest a family hug so everyone can be close to daddy.
    UpSheRises

    Answer by UpSheRises at 2:21 PM on Mar. 21, 2011

  • The signs are that you either learn to live with this situation and pretend that you like it, or else you move on. He is not going to cater to you. He is going to cater to her. You can talk to him until you are blue in the face, but the situation will remain the same. And you can count on the fact that as she gets older, the demands will increase both in number and in momentum. If you don't think you can accept this arrangement exactly the way it is, I would get out now.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 2:23 PM on Mar. 21, 2011

  • Well she is 3 and you might think she knows what she is doing but she is still a baby. I am sure as she gets a little older she will be better, for now you will have to deal with it.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:23 PM on Mar. 21, 2011

  • It sounds like your fiancee has been very lienient with her since he only gets her every so often. he has indulged her every whim and attitude/outburst.

    The first thing you need to do is to talk with him about how her behaviour is. I have a 3 year old. My fiancee and I talked about this stuff before we got close enough to bring the kids into it.

    My 3 year old does NOT act like this and when she acts out, there is a consequence for her actions. She knows what she is supposed to act like and what I will not tolerate.

    However, your problem is that your fiancee is enabling her behaviour. Until, you and he can come to an agreement, it doesn't matter what your relationship with the 3 year old is since dad will always undermine you in front of her.
    Jademom07

    Answer by Jademom07 at 2:31 PM on Mar. 21, 2011

  • Now is the time to set some rules and guidelines with the soon to be step daughter. If you don't she will conitnue to run her dad's life for many years.
    meooma

    Answer by meooma at 2:32 PM on Mar. 21, 2011

  • He is feeling guilty and overcompensating because he can't be around her all the time. Remember, it's his only child. And, she's the youngest of all of them. The baby will be babied. If she can't play nice with someone elses toys, she shouldn't be allowed to play with them. She has her own toys. He can put them up where she can't get to them, at least the breakable ones. Little girls are "Daddys girl", and she doesn't want to share him. She doesn't understand. That doesn't give him the right to let her run with no rules when everyone else has them. If it continues, I wouldn't want to be around when she turns 13. I shiver just imagining it.
    Kimimale

    Answer by Kimimale at 2:42 PM on Mar. 21, 2011

  • It may sound dramatic but I have seen it work. Apply to be on supernanny or bring in another child care specialist. It may sting but he's more likely to listen to a professional or someone he doesn't know personally. Someone who isn't emotionally attached to the situation and can look at it objectively. It's worked wonders for these kinds of problems in the past. It can probably help his relationship with your kids as well.
    MamaStuart

    Answer by MamaStuart at 5:32 PM on Mar. 21, 2011

  • As far as connecting with her, the three of you should sit down together and discuss things. Explain to her that you are not trying to take her daddy away from her but that you want to be her friend and you and your children want to join in as a family. Not push her out.
    MamaStuart

    Answer by MamaStuart at 5:36 PM on Mar. 21, 2011

  • It sounds to me hes made himself pretty clear on how he sees things. Did you say alright? Did you accept it then? If so he probably is not going to want to hear anything from you at this point changing your mind. I have a blended family and basically laid down the law with my dh before we ever started dating in regards to my children. I told him they were here before he was, I could not replace them, if he could not handle that then he knew where the door was, and he accepted it.
    Second your son being 5 is going to have to learn himself how to handle having a sister 2 yrs younger and really that is what she is since she spends so much time there. I would try and come up with some rules for the two of them, and do things with both of them to help with a better bond for them, and in the end for you and her too.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 1:58 PM on Mar. 24, 2011

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