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Why is it that the step parent never wins, even when its in the best interest for the child?

And pls before people some of you start with "your not the biological mother" let me explain.It doesnt matter if i didnt give birth to this child because 1. we have custody of her& 2. the biological mother doesnt even worry about her& 3. I am literally her mother.Okay now i guess my anger is with her father my dh.She is 15& has already had about 5 boyfriends, yes 5! He says he doesnt aprove of her having bf but he'd rather her be honest w/him then lie & have the bf behind his back. Another thing is that he has never asked her how she is doing in school, just right now I asked her how many credits does she have& she said she didnt know, she said about 1.Umm the school year is almost over.So i asked her when is she scheduled to get her report card or pregress report, she acted dumb and said she didnt know.Then dh starts acting like a tuff guy telling her he is going to call the school and find out, when 1st of all if i wouldnt have asked these questions he would of never thought to say anything.He tells me he wants me to be closer to her but when i try to be there for her & make sure she is going down the right path, he always makes excusses for her.

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Asked by Anonymous at 1:03 AM on Mar. 22, 2011 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (10)
  • I understand your in a hard place because you care but being a step parent is walking a fine line.Your husband and you have different ways to parent and the child is using it as a divide you need to let this issue go and stop fighting with your husband and let him do the disipline your step kid has all the attention on you fighting with her dad then her issue let him deal with it when he is ready for your help and support he will ask .Good luck.

    Answer by Betutah at 1:11 AM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • As a person who had step parents, While you are raising her, its really her Dad that needs to ask the q'? and for him to lay down the law. He doesn't want her dating then he needs to man up and put his foot down on the subject. Neither of mine were allowed to date prior to turning 16. I am not nor is my DH a step parent. We've been together 21 years and married 20 years. But we have both had step parents. As kids we resented our step's for trying to be mom/dad when we had one already.

    Answer by Wyndi at 1:22 AM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • i tottally do not agree with the your not the bio mom/dad let the bio parent discipline your child. thats so wrong my 10 yr old step son has major issues im his mom his mom beat him his mom doesnt call only wants him when its convient to show off and say yeah im the best mom put your foot down and make dad follow and hubby have been devided so many times but never ever let her see you guys disagree bc she will use it to her advantage brush off the idc's and the your not my mom i hate you the best thing ive learned is walk away and deal with it when everyones calmed down. find a time where you and your husband dont have the kids around (ie same room) and write out a list of rules you both can compromise on most importantly pick your battles!

    Answer by Rita_Mae at 1:26 AM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • And i totally understand what you are saying, its just hard to watch him treat her more like a sister than his daughter, i just hope she doesnt come out pregnant or drops out.I too have a child from a previous relationship& one w/him.W ith my first child, i have never once put excuses for my child when my dh is trying to disipline him, if my son comes to me trying to get me on his side i let my son know im not having it& he better listen to my dh.I guess im kinds hurt to.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:30 AM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • My Husband is step dad to all 3 of our boys, and by their choice they all call him Dad.. With that said, I do NOT believe in the idea that step parents shouldn't play the same role as the bio parent. The kids shouldn't have the power to use the fact that you aren't the bio parent against you.
    You should sit down with your Husband and explain to him that you both need to be on the same page with her, and a united front when it comes to everything from her school situation, discipline, friends, boyfriends etc. If not she's going to walk all over both of you, if she already hasn't. So sit him down, and tell him how you feel, that you love her like she is your bio daughter, and that you want what's best for her and the whole family. Don't single him out, make him a part of it, and make it clear he needs to be for her sake... You don't want to be Grandparents, so get communicating! GL

    Answer by MrsLeftlane at 1:34 AM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • "How to Win as a Step-Family" has some good tips. You might see if your library has a copy to look through to help you and your hubby get on the same page.

    Answer by tortkey at 2:10 AM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • About all you can do is talk to her about the dangers of the path she is traveling. You can talk to her about std's, the importance of doing well in school so that she can get a decent job and take care of herself, the importance of becoming a whole and complete person without having to have a boyfriend. You can explain to her the way to later on attract a man who will love her for who she is as opposed to the ones who are only interested in sex. You can talk to her about the differences between meaningful relationships versus "hook-ups". These are the kinds of things that I discussed with my daughter and there's no reason why you can't do that, too. You already know that you aren't going to be allowed to help make any real decisions that might make a difference in her life, but you can speak to her as you would to warn any other teen who was going down the wrong path. You can even use your own marriage as an example!

    Answer by NannyB. at 8:34 AM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • First off it shouldn't be a win or lose situation with your SO, it needs to be a win win where you are both on the same page. I think you and your SO need to sit down and discuss your roles as how you will parent her. After you are both on the same page then you both need to sit your SD down and go over your roles, expectations, rules etc. Being a step parent is never easy however you can make it easier if you all are on the same page. good luck!

    Answer by MommaKath1975 at 9:04 AM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • Sorry but you are STILL not her mother! I agree with her father that he would rather he date and him know about it them lie, because more then likely, that is what would happen. I get that the situation is not ideal but you can guild her on the right path.

    Answer by JLS2388 at 3:51 PM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • Since you have custody of her with your husband (I'm not sure how that works) but since you have custody of her and she lives with you, then you should be able to make some decisions for her and you should be able to talk with her. I'm not sure how long she's been with you guys but when my sd lived with us, regardless as to her attitude, it was made clear that she could not have boyfriends at a young age. I'm not saying 15 is too young but its obvious that this child wasn't shown the proper tools in finding out who she was before she began dating. JMO.

    Answer by mom2mybabes at 1:32 PM on Mar. 23, 2011

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