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2 Bumps

Hubby is insecure from past relationship? Fixable?

We are pregnant with our first baby, due in October. My husband is a wonderful man, but has grueling insecurity issues. For example: Whenever I want to go out with friends alone (female or male), he always wants to be there & vice versa when we go out with his friends. He even went as far to say that if I want to go out with a male friend to a movie, "it is called a date." I give him plenty of attention & affection, but I feel as if it's never good enough for him. He tends to overstep my boundaries a lot & he knows it. If we do marriage counseling & he gives his all to try to defeat his demons, can our marriage be saved? The stress is KILLING us! Please help! Thank you. :)

Edit: I love my husband & am willing to do whatever it takes to make this a healthier, & happier relationship. I am wearing thin, however, because he is so invasive. Before we were a couple, I told him that I have many friends of both genders & races. He knew I wasn't going to lose friendships because of my relationship, unless they hurt us as a couple. He just can't deal because of his past!

 

Replies:

 

Gwen: yes, he was & is always comparing me to his ex. I am sensitive to that, as much as I can be. I was cheated on too in the past (my ex beau & my BEST FRIEND) & have let it go for many reasons, especially because I want this beautiful relationship! Thanks for your answer.

Anayasmommy: He is a part of everything in my life & vice versa. It doesn't mean he needs to come out with me EVERY single time I go out, male friends or not! There are "rights" in marriage, but that does not stipulate that he has the "right" to be with me all of the time. What about keeping SOME individuality? Occasional space is healthy! Thanks for your answer.

Pinkdragon: Totally agreed! Thank you.

Wendy: I don't "do whatever I want." I am always honest about what I want to do & tell him everything. Counseling could be the only tool to where I can still KEEP my friends! I understand I am not perfect, hence why I suggested marriage counseling which = 2 people. Thank you for your answer.

Mom: I do agree the thought can cause insecurity, but I haven't given him any reason to be insecure. I would NEVER cheat on my husband!! I have a lot of male friends, hung out with them alone/with other friends in past relationships... never had a problem because I am commited. Would you feel the need to cheat with a friend? Male friends is not an invitation to cheat. It is not healthy if hubby is with me 24/7; he is not a child. Occasional space is healthy! Thank you for the wishes, & thanks for your answer.

Zakys: YAY! Someone like me. Marriage is 2 people celebrating their sacred relationship & that each is an indivual. Each person must be happy to have a healthy relationship! Thank you.

Answer Question
 
FlutterBabyXO

Asked by FlutterBabyXO at 2:52 AM on Mar. 22, 2011 in Relationships

Level 4 (54 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • To me it sounds like he is half right and half wrong. Going out alone with guys is not really approperiate when you are in a relationship. And may be he just wants to be around you all the time. Does not mean anything but he enjoys your company.
    Hatsumomo

    Answer by Hatsumomo at 3:03 AM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • I beg to differ. Marriage is not a prison. I would have no problem with him going out with a female friend because I trust him & would never want to take away his individuality. He knew before we were a couple that I had all different types of friends, male & female. There are actually only a few females I enjoy spending time with. To him, it is because he does not trust me. Thank you for your answer.
    FlutterBabyXO

    Comment by FlutterBabyXO (original poster) at 3:08 AM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • A relationship (marriage) is a two way street. It takes two to make a marriage and it also takes two to break a marriage.
    stitchintime

    Answer by stitchintime at 3:10 AM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • confusedwas he cheated on in the past ? if you give a little more info i might be able to expound on an answer. not trying to be nosey here...

    gwen20

    Answer by gwen20 at 5:09 AM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • sounds to me like no matter what there is always going to be a problem in ur marriage regardless because the fact that you go out alone with male friends. and mayb he just always wants to be a part of what is going on with you, you cant blame him he is your husband and has that right.
    anayasmommy21

    Answer by anayasmommy21 at 5:14 AM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • He has to do the work he has to work on his issues. If he does not you will be here again. Maybe some counseling and anger management is in order for him as well to deal with what happened. There is also something else for you to think about sometimes this a sign of bigger problems, control issues .
    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 5:31 AM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • I can see his point regarding going out with male friends. I understand that, to you, it is simply two friends going out as friends. Most people don't see it that way.

    His insecurity issues are his to get over, definitely. However, that doesn't mean that you can just do whatever you want and say "oh, you're insecure, get over it." If you know something you do contributes to his insecurities, and you continue to do it, then you are giving him reason to be insecure. He can go to counseling and work on his insecurity, but if you're still going out alone with male friends when you know it bothers him, he's still going to feel insecure.

    I think marriage counseling would be helpful, but I think you both need it, not just him. He needs to get over insecurity; you need to learn to work with him and compromise so that you don't add to it.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 7:06 AM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • I believe most couples would feel insecure with their husband or wife going to the movies with the opposite sex. Not what you want to hear I know. But, let's face the facts here, cheating is becoming a very big problem in the US and I don't see it necessary to put yourself in that position where something could happen. Not understanding why you guys can't all go out together? I wish you and your husband luck.
    momofone221

    Answer by momofone221 at 8:01 AM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • See that would drive me nuts. I refuse to be punished for someone elses sins. I, personally, couldn't deal. I would go to marriage couseling
    Zakysmommy

    Answer by Zakysmommy at 9:39 AM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • Replies in post!
    FlutterBabyXO

    Comment by FlutterBabyXO (original poster) at 9:57 PM on Mar. 22, 2011

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