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3 Bumps

My husband may have another child...?!

My husband received a phone call last week from a woman he had a one night stand with in 2006. This was before we even met and he knew nothing about her. He was drunk, they met at a party, and although he says he believes he was careful, he is not sure.  After talking to the woman just yesterday, she is now claiming that her soon to be four year old daughter is asking about her father and she has contacted my husband advising him that he is the dad. My husband is devestated. We just had our first child together less than a year ago, him believing he had no others, and we have had nothing but joy. We have a wondeful family. He has accepted my six year old from my first marriage as his. I am so hurt and can't help but feel betrayed, even though I know this was before we even met. We have been married for almost two years and I've previously been divorced. We don't want to go down the divorce road but I feel this bombshell that was dropped on me will tear us apart. I know this is all news to my husband. Again, he is devestated and it's a horrible sight seeing a grown man in tears regretting this whole thing.
We decided that we will go about getting a paternity test but being that my husband has no connection to this child, was never told anything and never talked to the woman after the one night stand, we can't help but question her motives, now after four years.
I feel selfish for focusing on how I feel because my husband would never want to tear our family apart much less hurt me. I just can't get past this though. I thought we had something special with him having a baby this past year, the first grandbaby of his family. But now, I feel that this makes our experience, not so special. I just don't know where to go, have a range of emotions--- sometimes I just want to hold him and let him cry, other times, I just want him to not be in the house. Mind you, he just found out this news yesterday afternoon. I'm all over the place and don't know what to do or how to control my feelings. I can't help but cry.
  My husband feels like because he has no connection to this child and does not want to destroy our family (he believes from mutual friends that she is "drama") that he wants nothing to do with the woman and the child, and is wanting to relinquish his rights. 
Any suggestions or advice? Please!!!

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Asked by Anonymous at 5:24 PM on Mar. 22, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (21)
  • I agree with the anon poster above me. You sound really stupid. He accepted your child and here you can't accept his? What the heck is wrong with you?

    Answer by bcauseimthemom at 5:28 PM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • if the child is definitely his, then he needs to decide whether or not he wants to be part of that child's life. If he does, then you can either accept it or go your separate ways. and maybe some therapy could help

    Answer by febmom007 at 5:28 PM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • Hold up, you have a child from a previous marriage, which he has accepted and loved, and you are thinking divorce because he may have a child he didnt know about???????????

    It would be one thing if it was from an affair, or if he KNEW and didnt tell you. But neither of those are the case. I say, get the paternity test, and stand by your mans side-accept his child like he did yours!

    Answer by Auntiemom410 at 5:29 PM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • actually - she is almost 5. my daughter was born in 2006 also and will be 5 this year.

    anyway thats not important here. what you all need to do is take it one step at a time. first and foremost, do the paternity test. it may not even be his, so just focus on doing that first and see where it leads.

    Answer by tnm786 at 5:29 PM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • I don't think "stupid" is really how I sound but maybe confused. I take offense to this.

    He always knew I had a son and though he didn't know about this possible child, he feels very betrayed by the woman himself.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 5:29 PM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • I think you need to look at it for what it is. He has a past, so do you. If and when he finds out this is his child he is going to want to be part of her life and that is the right thing to do. Technically speaking it takes nothing away from your experience or baby because your baby was and will always be the first since you knew nothing of the 4 yr old, and neither did the grandparents until after.
    I was that 4 yr old girl FYI & my dad had remarried & had a baby & questioned my moms motives. I was asking about my "dad" was all and she never asked him for a dime. Its quite normal for a 4-5 yr old to start asking about their father when he is absent. I would encourage you to put yourself in both the womans and childs feet before making any decisions about them. If she hasnt come after him for child support so far, she likely wont.

    Answer by gemgem at 5:30 PM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • Get this other woman to PAY for the paternity test. They are about $1500 or more ya know. NOT the store bought cheek swab ones as they arnt accurate AND can be messed with before you send off for the test. Get a REAL DNA lab to do the blood type test or wait. If this chick seriously thinks he's the daddy and wants support let HER pay for the test AND let HER bring him to court because the judge will tell HER to pony up the $$ for the judges court ordered test. Dont just roll over and accept that he's the daddy from a one night stand 4 years ago!!! Even if the baby "looks" just like him does NOT mean he really is.

    Answer by vbruno at 5:30 PM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • Why would this break up your marriage? Get a DNA test and if this little girl is his he needs to step up and be a daddy to this little girl and you need to support him through this process.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:31 PM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • Maybe, her only "motive" is that the child wants to know her father. Why wait 5 years otherwise???
    He should feel a little betrayed, it sucks he missed out on the first several years of her life. But dont ruin the rest for him, or he may resent you.

    Answer by Auntiemom410 at 5:32 PM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • yeah it was before you were even together and it doesn't mean that your baby together is any less special or important that is your baby together

    Answer by mamawilbur at 5:32 PM on Mar. 22, 2011

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