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Do I have a right to be upset?

My daughter is a troubled teen. I have done a pretty good job containing her until recently because she turned 18. She told me my rules were stupid and that she did not have to follow them now that she is 18. I told her she had to live by my rules. So she left.

So of course she told everyone I kicked her out...NOT true. However she has always lied. I am divorced. I have probably enabled her and we have had to move several times in 18years when I had to take better jobs or due to the divorce or lack of child support.

My family knows very little on what is going on until she ran off. Of course they are very startled because they are unaware of her past. So now instead of contacting me they are forming their own opinions. Telling me "we need break" or "she is being a typical teen"

This could not e further from the truth. She has pushed me down. Threatned me. Her younger brother and sister are scared of her. She cusses and refuses to do anything. She has snuck boys into the house and also snuck out. She has yelled at me infront of guests and lied to get her dad in troule with CPS just beause she was mad on a discipline issue. She has been suspended from school.She had skipped classes. I sent her to a camp a few years back and she had sex with a perfect stranger that gave her a fake number and name. I have had to take her every year to get tested for STD. She has shoved me down now that she is bigger than me. Everything and anything I ask her to do turns into a war. She scares me....I hate being scared of my own daughter.

I also hate that my family wants to assume when they no little of her past. As of now I really am not communicating with my family. You would think in a time like this they would be more supportive. Does anyone out there gone through something like this where they are scared of their child? How do I protect my younger kids?

This is only a small sample of things she has done. She was diagosed woth severe ADD but will not take her medication.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:58 PM on Mar. 22, 2011 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (24)
  • i think its a good think she left for you and your other kids
    there comes a time in every younge person life taht you have to learn to stand on your own two feet i think this is that time for your daughter you need to steep back and hope one day she wants to know you and be the daughter you deserve
    feralkitten

    Answer by feralkitten at 9:03 PM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • ADD doesn't make anyone violent.....that's no excuse.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:05 PM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • You have the right to be upset at your family who is forming their own opinions without knowing the background info. I have to wonder though, what happened all those years before she turned 18? I understand there was a divorce, but millions of kids go through the same thing. Was there inconsistency in the house? Something had to be going on that she decided she could act that way.
    Renee3K

    Answer by Renee3K at 9:07 PM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • The only thin I can think of is that her dad was not really in the picture. I have thought things over time and time again. I have always been pretty consistent. And my doctor says that ADD can turn into ODD if not treated. Many children with ADD turn viiolent because of lack of success in school and low self esteem.

    Her mind runs in circle she says it seems her heart is coming out of her chest when she is angry.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:19 PM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • I agree with Renee3K. I've worked with at-risk children for many years, and there's usually a history of issues within the family. Not saying that you're a bad mom, but as you stated, you may have enabled her as a child to act the way she is acting now that she's a young person. Unfortunately, 18 is too late for an intervention if there are no dependent children or illegal behaviors. All you can do at this point is NOT enable her to continue her actions in your home. Create a plan and share it openly with her. Have a conversation with her and communicate adult-to-adult that her actions are risky and express how it hurts you to see her hurting herself. Tell her that you love her, and will always love her, but that she has to take responsibility for the consequences that will result from the choices she's making. (cont)

    kenzie07

    Answer by kenzie07 at 9:23 PM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • I am sure I enabled her. I also enabled my ex husband...

    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:29 PM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • (cont)
    Tell her that you'll always be her mother, but that you will no longer bail her out if she continues down the road she's on. That you'll always be an ear to listen and will offer any advice if she chooses to seek it, but not a person who will get her out of a situation every time she makes poor choices. If she is ADD and untreated, it is very true that it can evolve into other disorders. ODD is one, but Bi-Polar is another, and much more severe. Just be supportive when she makes good choices, by telling her that she's doing well, and allow her room to learn and grow from her poor choices. don't be her scapegoat unless she is in danger. Always include her in family functions, but try not to be her enabler. I hope this helps.
    kenzie07

    Answer by kenzie07 at 9:30 PM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • "I am sure I enabled her. I also enabled my ex husband..."

    If this is true, and your daughter is also suffering, then it might be time to look inward. It may be you that could use some guidance from an experienced counselor. Just because you're not the one acting out, doesn't mean that you're not the one who needs support, whether it's from a therapist, local group, or religious counsel ( if you're spiritual).

    kenzie07

    Answer by kenzie07 at 9:34 PM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • I would NOT let her back in my house. She is an adult now and if she doesn't want to follow the rules, she lives on her own. You did enable her and you need to stop it NOW, before one of your other kids gets hurt by her. IF she comes home and puts her hands on you or the kids, CALL THE POLICE. SHe needs some tough love.

    Also, stop making excuses for HER poor choices. Very FEW kids with ADD/ADHD turn violent. If they do, there are other issues going on.

    Time to be a parent and let her live her life the way she thinks is ok, let her fall, let her make mistakes, let her learn what it is to be an adult.
    tyfry7496

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 9:55 PM on Mar. 22, 2011

  • ADD can NEVER become Bi-Polar! ADD does not BECOME ODD! If your ADD child "Becomes" ODD or Bi-Polar - They were MISDIAGNOSED from the start!!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:32 AM on Mar. 23, 2011

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