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3 Bumps

Why would sisters separate? (Long. Sorry)

My sis and I have always been EXTREMELY close. I have always tried to support her emotionally and financially.

Last summer, she moved in with me and DH due to some financial issues.

A month after moving in with us, she connected with a new boyfriend. When DH and I met him, he told us that we could interrogate him and we half-jokingly asked him a few questions. Afterwards, he told my sister that he didn't care for us and refused to see us again.

My sister also stopped making time for us. She was not avoiding us, exactly, it was just that she spent all her time with her boyfriend (who refused to see us). Even worse, I inadvertently would overhear snippets of her telephone conversations with him that creeped me out. He would ask her about how much money we made. (My DH earns more than him) And he would ask how close my sister was to us and how important family was to her.

As these things began to surface, I made it clear to my sis that I was uncomfortable with having her bf in our home.

After a few months of dating, my sis decided to move in with her bf. I expected her to let me know when they planned to move her things out of the house,so that I could be sure to be gone. Instead, I came home to find her and her bf in my house with no warning whatsoever. When the bf saw me coming, he opened the driver and passenger doors of the moving van to block me out of driveway. (There was no other reason to open the doors) Then my sis starts yelling at me and literally spits in my face and runs out of the house . . . and to the car that my DH and I gave her (btw). I was in shock.

As I leave the house, her bf tells me that I am a terrible sister and bad mother. He tells me that I hurt everyone who knows me. He tells me that I hurt my children and my DH by just being myself. He tells me that it is hard to watch my mother suffer from having a daughter like me.

Keep in mind that this man has NEVER had a conversation with my DH. He has only spoken to my mother for less than a half an hour at a party (and they did not talk about me) and he has observed me with my children for approx. 20 minutes total.

Still, I was in tears. I asked him to leave and he laughed at me. I didn't want to call the police because we live in a small town and my sister's employer would inevitably find out. I didn't want to stigmatize my sister at her job, so I called my DH. DH immediately came home and told my sister's bf to never talk to me again.

My sis didn't talk to me for a month. Finally, I called her and invited her to Christmas. She declined because she had plans with her bf (she had been with him for all of 3 months at this point). She left it open that she might let me cook her a meal some other time when he was busy. At that point, I gave up.

I have given my sister over $60,000 over the last 10 years. Prior to this bf, I spoke to her almost every day. I supported her in every possible way. She was my best friend. I feel tremendous loss. Still, I struggle with reconciliation.

I really don't understand what happened. Even worse, our mutual friends acknowledge that she is not really upset about it. (I have to admit that this is typical for her. It took her two months to emotionally recover from the dissolution of her 10 year marriage)

Our mutual friends tell me that the current situation was directly caused by her actions. They warn me not to reconcile with her. They tell me that she lacks all deep emotion and that she will never reciprocate the depth of my feelings and loyalty toward her.

How can that be? We are sisters. Shouldn't sisters have a deep and special bond? It has been six months since she moved out and I am still very upset about this whole thing. I still cry about it. What can I do to move past this?

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:13 AM on Mar. 23, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • Wow!  I can't stand my sister and there is no way I would have done what she did and/or let somebody, ANYBODY, talk to her like that.  Sadly, she's too wrapped up in her own stuff to care anything about me so I get the feeling of loss you have.  First off, 6 months isn't that long.  In this case though I would do what I always do.  Get a pint of ice cream and a journal.  Write down EVERYTHING that has happened in between yourself and your sister ever since you can remember.  Give yourself 48 hours to grieve, and then absolutely refuse to give it any more attention. 

    MrsHouston47302

    Answer by MrsHouston47302 at 1:18 AM on Mar. 23, 2011

  • How old is she? and is she on drugs? sorry, but my younger sister and I had a similar falling out, like you we were really close and I still love her. When she turned 19 she moved in with a bf took up drugs had a really nasty falling out with my mom. I didn't talk to her or see her for about a year, now I see her occasionally, but things have changed. Yes, you should forgive her and not give her hard time about anything when she comes back into your life, but it may be a while, give her a little more time then call her and tell her you miss her and ask if she wants to go get a cup of coffee with you or something. This may have to wait until after she breaks up with the bf, sorry mama, GL
    gypsymama532

    Answer by gypsymama532 at 1:21 AM on Mar. 23, 2011

  • I would put all the love I have towards my dh and kids. I definatley wouldnt have anything to do with her while she is still involved with that guy. If some guy said anything like that to my sister I wouldnt be with him. She obviously dosent care at this point. You have to let her be and mature, dont loan anymore money. Use it to save for your childrens college or something. More than likley this relationship will fall through maybe she will realize the good relationship she had with you and reconcille.
    okmommy08

    Answer by okmommy08 at 1:23 AM on Mar. 23, 2011

  • My sis is in her early 30s, but she has been acting odd for the last couple of years. I don't think she is on drugs, but maybe a mid-life crisis.

    It is all about fun for her. She and her prior DH earned almost $200k per year, but they spent it all on fun. When they divorced, my mom and I had to give my sis almost $20,000 to repair her home, so she could sell it.

    Then, she decided not to work in her profession because the hours were too long. Then, she gave her dog away because that was too much responsibility. (This was a dog she had for something like five years. I really thought she was attached to that dog)

    Then she started drinking. She finally realized that the drinking was getting her into trouble and she stopped and started going to church (at the urging of me and DH).

    Now, she is drinking again with DH.

    Oh, and DH and I did not loan her money. We gave it because we loved her.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:43 AM on Mar. 23, 2011

  • maybe this guy is abusive and on purpose is separating her from the people she is closest too.  Maybe he hasn't shown his true colors to her yet.  Pray for her and one day when it's real take her back

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:50 AM on Mar. 23, 2011

  • One more weird too-much-responsibility thing:

    My DH offered to help her buy a house for her to live in, but he didn't have enough to pay cash for it. He would have had to take a mortgage equal to $200 monthly note. My sis was ok with us buying the house until she realized that we would expect her to assume the $200 note in a few years. (Even if she assumed the note, she still would have been able to keep ALL of the equity from the SIZEABLE down payment - it would have been a windfall for her). She said that she wouldn't do it if we weren't paying for all of it. She said that a $200 a month note was just too much responsibility.

    Doesn't that sound strange? I guess I don't really understand her lifestyle.

    Since meeting her bf, she also says that she doesn't want children because she needs several hours of quiet time to journal everyday and kids would interfere with her "me" time.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:52 AM on Mar. 23, 2011

  • Oops . . . I mean that she is drinking with her bf. My DH doesn't drink.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:54 AM on Mar. 23, 2011

  • it sounds like her bf is playing a manipulative game on her. first he stages a fight between you and your dh and the bf. by saying those nasty things, he was told to never speak to you again. therefore your sister, who sounds like she is reclaiming her 20's, thinks you hate her bf (you dont know what he told her) and that you dont think anyone she loves is good enough. if all she wants to do is have fun, then being blinded by lust and manipulative stories, she wouldnt want the drama of being around a debbie downer who is just going to tell her to not have fun and dump her bf. i hope that helps, i tried to read between the lines.
    Arretsmomma5

    Answer by Arretsmomma5 at 4:25 AM on Mar. 23, 2011

  • move on...
    smiley745

    Answer by smiley745 at 6:40 AM on Mar. 23, 2011

  • Give her some time... she will come out of it. I went through something similar years back after my divorce. I wasn't handling my life the way I knew I should so I surrounded myself with people that didn't care what I did and my (real) relationships, especially with my sister, really suffered. Hopefully she will come around. It sounds like maybe you and her husband were making things too easy for her though. She needs to be an adult and manage her life, not have you support her in every way.
    ConcernedMom141

    Answer by ConcernedMom141 at 9:11 AM on Mar. 23, 2011

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