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Why is it so much harder to be a parent to your grow children,if you arent included in he/she life?

As I mentioned in my profile,I have a daughter that ended up on drugs and then cut all tie's with her family.Its been close to 4 years since we have seen her,and she has 2 children.In which we cant even see.The youngest we havent even seen yet.

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evehall67

Asked by evehall67 at 5:16 AM on Mar. 23, 2011 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 2 (9 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • It is hard. And it certainly is not the way we saw the future unfolding with grandchildren on our knees. There's a void.
    Bmat

    Answer by Bmat at 5:23 AM on Mar. 23, 2011

  • I mean,I could be a cruel parent and go file for grandparents rights.But what would that be saying to my daughter?I dont want to be just part of my grandchildrens lives but my daughters also.Things were never this hard when they were all younger and at home.She got married and it was like she was brainwashed.Is that even possible?
    evehall67

    Comment by evehall67 (original poster) at 5:43 AM on Mar. 23, 2011

  • Check your state laws... SOME states have Grandparent Rights, where they will allow Court Ordered visitation in certain cases--for grandparents whose child has passed away and the other parent refuses visitation, when parents are split and the grandparent's child is too far away for that parent to provide visitation, and finally when neither parent allows visitation with the grandchildren. My MIL got Court Ordered visitation with my "bonus" daughter when my husband's ex wouldn't allow her to visit, even though they were in the same town about 10 minutes away, and even though my DH is military and was stationed over 1600 miles away (and now we are halfway around the world, so she got that Court Ordered visitation just in time!)
    laird6372

    Answer by laird6372 at 5:50 AM on Mar. 23, 2011

  • If she's raising children while on drugs, you need to intervene. If she's outgrown the "need" for you in her life, that's different, and you could send her cards or letters to the children to develop a better relationship. But if she's on drugs, that's a deal breaker and you need to be responsible to your grandchildren by intervening on their behalf or getting CPS involved. Probably not what you want to hear, and I'm sorry for your estranged relationship. And it IS hard.
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 5:52 AM on Mar. 23, 2011

  • Its hard because once they are grown they dont need us as much or at all anymore. Your dd is a drug user with kids which is a bad combination. I would ask for a well check or something to make sure the grandkids are alright. I know in most states you are entitled to visits with grandkids if both parents are not together and if you had a relationship with the grandkids before. In this case it doesnt sound like that is the case. I would however make sure they are safe and be prepared to intervene if it came down to that.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 7:49 AM on Mar. 23, 2011

  • When you find the answer to this, let me know. I'm going through a horrible time right now. My 23 year old daughter lives at home. She's been making some wrong choices with her life, but doesn't want to hear from me. I have to pretend that she doesn't live here so I can get through the days. I'm hurting terribly. She refuses to talk to me, she won't go to my counseling sesios with me, sometimes she doesn't even acknowledge me at all with a simple hello or goodbye. I'm trying to practice tough love, but everyone else undermines me. She totalled the car we let her drive so now my husband drives her back and forth to work most days. She's going to Vegas with her friends next week. I don't even know where she's staying or any of the details. I'd like to spend time with her, but she doesn't want any part of that. I'm sorry for what you're going through, involving grandchildren has got to be especially hard on you.
    rosiemendo

    Answer by rosiemendo at 9:10 AM on Mar. 23, 2011

  • Its harder to be a parent to adult kids because no matter what you say to them, they are adults and can do as they please with their body, kids and life. I often feel it is SOO much harder to be a parent to wayward adult kids than little kids who can be controlled to a certain extent.
    vbruno

    Answer by vbruno at 10:10 AM on Mar. 23, 2011

  • All the drug issues or whatever is going on aside, grandparents rights are largely misunderstood and vary from state to state. If you are concerned they are being neglected or abused, as the state for help. This is only your side of the story though so it's hard to give advice. When a child grows up and gets married that person and their children are supposed to be the focus from then on. Family is still family but you don't need to parent an adult child as a minor child anymore. You could try to visit and see for yourself what is going on. I have yet to see a case of someone cutting ties with family when nothing bad was going on. I feel like there is more than you are saying.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:49 AM on Mar. 23, 2011

  • Horrible situation - here's a bump and here's a hug. Trying to raise an 18 yr old hellbent on destruction myself.............it's an impossible situation.
    8Tinkerboo8

    Answer by 8Tinkerboo8 at 4:31 PM on Mar. 23, 2011

  • The trick is not to let it get to this point, no matter what the circumstances, I would have kept on trying and would not have tried breaking any barrier put up for me.
    older

    Answer by older at 9:22 AM on Mar. 25, 2011

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