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Is it ok NOT to have a funeral service?

We just lost our son, still birth. And we are non religious ppl. But our families are. We are at the point in our grief were we don't want a religious service for our son. Maybe just a veiwing. But our families are fighting over arangments. Do you think it would be ok to just skip having a service for our son. We really jjst want to get him (in his urn) home. And it's not important to us. We just wanted to do something for the family, but all the drama is gotten to be too much.


Asked by Magdelana81305 at 1:29 AM on Nov. 26, 2008 in Religion & Beliefs

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Answers (19)
  • First, I'm so sorry about your loss. To me, a funeral is really more of a closure thing, that people go to them to give themselves that closure of realizing that the person is gone. Now, while I understand that the rest of your family is also grieving, I do think that your grief is considerably more than theirs, and if you don't feel that a funeral would help you in the process, or that you simply don't want it, then don't do it. Simply tell your family that you are trying to deal with your loss in the best way you can, and that they are not helping you at all. Put your foot down. As someone above suggested, maybe get someone to be a rep for you, to speak for you so that you can step aside and deal with your situation. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

    Answer by tropicalmama at 8:40 AM on Nov. 26, 2008

  • I think you should do whatever YOU feel is appropriate or right for you. If you don't think a funeral service is something you want to do, then don't do it. That is a decision that should be totally up to you.

    Answer by sophiafarris at 1:32 AM on Nov. 26, 2008

  • Shame on them for making this a battle. Do what you and Daddy want, just make sure you have considered all the options may feel differently about things in the future!

    Answer by KatieCrandall at 1:32 AM on Nov. 26, 2008

  • You do what feels right to you! If your family can't put your wishes above their own then that is their problem! My daughter was stillborn January 11, 1999, and I did have a funeral for her. That was what felt right to me, but you need to do what is going to bring you peace. My heart bleeds for you! I'm so sorry for your loss! I know you said you are not religious, but I hope you won't mind if I say a prayer for you! Can't hurt, right?

    Answer by Mishelly728 at 1:34 AM on Nov. 26, 2008

  • My sister also had a stillborn......had problems with the family.
    They finially told evryone it's not up to them. It's what my hubby and I want. This is what it will be and that is it.......DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY>
    GOOD LUCK and I am sooooo sad to hear that. I know wht you are facing as going through with my family.

    Answer by racingmomma at 1:35 AM on Nov. 26, 2008

  • I'm so sorry. Have someone close to you be your rep....have them explain all the drama is too much for you. You don't have to explain you actions to anyone. They will all get over the arrangments.

    Answer by Farrahann at 1:36 AM on Nov. 26, 2008

  • i agree with the others. shoot, im a christian, and i dont think God is "religious". can your family honestly say that it would matter to God whether or not you had a religious service for the baby? ask them to show you in the bible. they cant. if it doesnt matter to God, what right does it give them to add to your grieving? im so sorry for what you are going through....

    Answer by ivelostmyself at 1:40 AM on Nov. 26, 2008

  • Im so sorry for your loss. I agree with Farrahann, this is not the time to have to deal with family drama and they really should be more understanding. This is not anyones decision but you and your SO and they should respect that. If you have someone close let them take over and present your final decision and do all of the explaining. This is a time for you and your SO to grieve not worry about what others are thinking.

    Answer by VaDivaMom at 1:42 AM on Nov. 26, 2008

  • Oh I am so very sorry for your loss. I agree you need to do what is right for you and your husband. Don't even listen to those arguments. This is a decision that only the two of you should have a say in. You do not owe anyone any explainations. You two stand firm and be there for eachother.

    Answer by pnwmom at 2:22 AM on Nov. 26, 2008

  • This is your time. I f you want to have a service to allow the rest of the family time to grieve then do it and have a funeral home director coordinate it. Quite calmly tell them to get over themselves and if they don't respect your wishes take the urn and go home. My family died. My Mom, My Dad, My "Son and My Sister. One of my Aunts and one uncle were concerned that we were having them cremated. I told them it really did not matter what they thought. I was doing it and if they didnt stop I would not have the funeral service for them They shut up...they had their time. Some people have to fuss no matter what but you really don't need that.
    Really if you don't have a service what are they going to ddo? They will either get over it or not. You do what you and your husband want to do.

    Answer by xanchisemom at 4:38 AM on Nov. 26, 2008