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5 Bumps

I can't help but hate her !!!!! ( long )

So up to this point I have had an amazing marriage ( 4 years) we have a 3 year old son together and I have a 6 year old daughter that he basically raises ( her bio dad just pops up randomly) .

We recently moved back to his hometown because homes are cheaper here and I liked the idea of being around family ( his parents and sisters live here) . We got a great house and settled in and everything was great, we even found a wonderful church that has really made an impact on our lifes ( we just feel like we are living a more "honest" life) .

Well over the last couple of months I found out that he has been trying to get in contact with his high school girlfriend , not to date her or to be with her but to "have closure" . He said he treated her very badly, even cheated on her and it ended with him and the new girlfriend basically harrassing her for no reason, and she even quit school to get away from them. Of course that was a shock to me becuase that sounds nothing like him ( I really havent even ever heard him raise his voice). He explained to me that she was his first love ( first everything) and that she was so in love with him but he constantly cheated on her, called her names, etc. Of course hearing all of this made me feel like I had to puke ( I am not sure if it was about how badly he acted or that he was still thinking of her)

That was 7 years ago I assumed that he shouldnt still think of her and worry about telling her he was sorry , he says that he is happy with our marriage and would never risk losing our family but it has always bothered him and now since going to church has opened his eyes he just feels like he had to tell her that.

So ever since that conversation I have been worried over this and started checking his Facebook . I finally seen the one he wrote to her and she wrote back.... he basically said that he had always wanted to say he was sorry for how he treated her and had hoped that she found someone that treated her right and had a good life... She replied saying that she forgave him a long time ago and she got married a year later and is very happy.

That was all they put. But I cant get rid of these feelings.

To top it off we live a street away from each other and I constantly see her out walking with her kids ( we live close to a park too ) ... I just found out our daughters are on the same T-ball team and I am so scared about going to the ballpark and my husband seeing her there ( she is so pretty ) .

I have tried to tell him how I feel and he says I shouldnt be upset because he told me everything, gives me his internet password and since I talk to guys ( friends) it shouldnt matter and that since they dont have actual conversations (I see where sometimes they will "like" each others statuses and stuff) ... and he just thinks that I shouldnt be so mad, but I am - I am mad and I hate her... I honestly wish we could lose our house so we could move away ...

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 10:38 PM on Mar. 24, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (18)
  • Wow! Your last thought is incredibly childish. If your husband has been completely honest with you then I don't see what the issue is except with your own insecurities. Whether she is pretty or not you shouldn't hate this woman that you don't know. I hope that you can move beyond your childish thoughts or you will inevitably ruin your own marriage. He needed closure and he got it. Be happy for him and move on as well.

    Answer by coala at 10:44 PM on Mar. 24, 2011

  • Since they are both happily married you need to trust your husband. Since she lives so close take comfort in the fact that you could literally see if anything ever happens. You are allowed to have emotions, this is new to you. It may be old news for both of them but you have to comprehend everything now. Time will make the anger fade and no one says you have to like her. I still don't like the girl my husband slept with before we met. She is nice and supportive of our relationship and has been for years but I simply don't like her. She got to him first.

    Answer by at 10:46 PM on Mar. 24, 2011

  • I don't think he's done anything wrong. You can let it go and move on or let your insecurities ruin your relationship.


    Answer by skittles1108 at 10:47 PM on Mar. 24, 2011

  • It is hard to not be childish ... that was 7 years ago and he has thought of her all of this time... It makes me think about our whole marriage and I wonder how many times he has thought of her...

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:47 PM on Mar. 24, 2011

  • I think about people I was mean to, too. But that doesn't mean it would break up my marriage. I don't think there is anything to be angry or jealous over. He feels bad that he was a jerk and is trying to apologize and be a better person. You should be applauding him for being a man instead of the rude little boy he was when they were dating.
    I still have guilt about what a jerk I was to two people when I was in middle school. I apologized to one, but can't find the other one to apologize to. It takes a really strong person to stand up and say they were a jerk. You should go hug him and tell him ho proud of him you are.

    Answer by SleepingBeautee at 10:57 PM on Mar. 24, 2011

  • I really think you are Worrying for Nothing! if he still had feelings for her, i doubt very seriously he would of gave you Heads-Up about everything- Let it Go- Instead of Hating her-(those are some Strong Words!) why don't you take the time to get to know her some- you are going to have to be around her at your daughters games- she might surprise you & you guys might end up being friends...... Don't Ruin your marriage over something that your husband needed Closure on! Wishing you lots of luck-


    Answer by daisyb at 11:01 PM on Mar. 24, 2011

  • Men are always gonna think about women whether they had an encounter at a bagels shop or a dentists office. He is with you because you're the one he loves and the one he wants to be with. You need to let your jealousy and insecurities go if you want your marriage to last.

    Answer by sweetpea1217 at 11:07 PM on Mar. 24, 2011

  • wow. you need to calm down. he's just thinking of something stupid he did back then. people do it all the time, i know i do. sometimes a thought creeps into my head about something stupid i did in the past, and my first instinct is to cringe. if i could, i'd go back and change it. thankfully i gave it all to God, and there's nobody but Him to apologies to for my past.

    But, if you go about it towards him in a calm manner and explain to him that you don't feel it's appropriate for him to be friends with his past girlfriends, especially his first love, then IMO he should condone it. especially if he was her first. it doesn't matter who you are, everyone remembers their first, and most still feel a connection to their first, whether it be very distant or they just don't realize it.

    Answer by armywife43 at 11:24 PM on Mar. 24, 2011

  • if you keep up with this jealousy and hatred, or you will ruin your marriage, and if you're trying to get close to God, this is not the way to do it. ask God for help in this, to give you peace about it, ask for forgiveness for these feelings you're having. God is peace, kind, love, understanding, ect. He's not hateful, confused, worry, ect. that's all Satan, the exact opposite of our perfect God. so think about it, do you want to reflect God or satan, even in your worst of times?

    Answer by armywife43 at 11:29 PM on Mar. 24, 2011

  • Honestly, I don't think this is a case of he's thought of her in the sense of he wants to be with her, he regrets not being with her, etc. I think this is a case of you are married to a good man who, because he IS a good man, realized just how bad he was when he was a teenager, and just how badly he treated her. And, because of that, he wanted to make amends. Think about it - if you found out that your dd was basically being a bully and harassing some little kid in her class to the point that the child wanted to quit school - wouldn't you want her to realize just how wrong it was and be remorseful and try to make amends?

    That's what your dh has done - he wanted to correct a wrong from his past. And, as you said, you are now going to church and learning to live a more honest life. Well, God does want us to make amends and seek forgiveness for our sins - against Him and against others.


    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 12:10 AM on Mar. 25, 2011

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