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8 Bumps

I know I need to leave but it's so hard..... =( Encouragement and advice needed.

My fiance and I are not right for each other and it is becoming more and more clear to me. I am just terrified to start all over, go from being a SAHM to a single mom, everything. I am just terrified. He basically told me he never wanted kids or marriage (after we have 2 kids and are engaged) Also I am not close to my own family. His family IS my family. I know none of those reasons are the right reasons to stay and that I have to cut my losses but it is so scared. I feel like I am gonna be left with nothing and don't know how I will get on my feet.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:47 PM on Mar. 24, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (16)
  • What does he want? How can he say he doesn't want kids and a wife when that is what he has been building?
    dancinintherain

    Answer by dancinintherain at 11:49 PM on Mar. 24, 2011

  • Wow, that is a tough situation. But you know you have to make the right choice. Staying is not an option, so just get your stuff together and make your move. The sooner the better. Find a place to live and get yourself and the kids settled and get on with your life. Really, the sooner the better. Staying with him longer will make it harder. If he feels the same, he might be surprisingly supportive and even helpful. ?? Maybe?
    judimary

    Answer by judimary at 11:50 PM on Mar. 24, 2011

  • Its going to make your a more healthy minded person if you remove yourself from a toxic relationship. It will be a struggle at first, as is alot of things for all of us in life, but as you adapt to a better way of life for yourself and children, you will be happy that you took the first step.
    virginiamama71

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 11:51 PM on Mar. 24, 2011

  • He said he did those things because he loves me even though it was never what he really wanted. But now he clearly resents me for it. He loves the kids and is happy now that he has them but it wasn't what he wanted I guess.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:51 PM on Mar. 24, 2011

  • I'm so sorry! I agree with the pp. Listen to his words and his actions. Does he treat you well, treat the kids well, etc? There are some men who say they want a wife, kids, etc, then they don't act like a husband or dad should. Then there are men who have kids who will say that they don't, but are actually very good dads. My dh is like this - he will joke around about how he can't wait for the kids to grow up and get out (they're teens), but he's one of the first to volunteer to be their Scout leader, to help coach their sports teams when they were younger, to be willing to drive them and their friends places when they weren't old enough to drive, allow them to hang out here with their friends, etc....

    Now of course, you still need to listen to what words he says, but if his words and his actions don't match, then I would suggest talking to him about it and about what he REALLY wants.

    cont
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 11:53 PM on Mar. 24, 2011

  • cont

    When you talk to him about it, also think about what it is that YOU want. Also, is it a case of him not wanting it (he obviously wanted it enough to have kids with you and have you be a SAHM), or is it a case of the grass being greener?

    I would encourage you though to go to school (if you haven't already), and get some training / job skills just in case. If you stay together, then they can be helpful if / when you decide to go back to work, and if you don't, then they can help you and the kids start over.

    Good luck!
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 11:56 PM on Mar. 24, 2011

  • Well Damn just go and screw up your life because he loves you but never wanted those things. That is so ridiculous. He should have been straight with you from day one. Now you have children and are or were planning marriage? What is wrong with people these days? I would take my kids and leave him...you could still maintain a relationship with his family....I'm sorry your dealing with this and I hope things get better for you (HUGS)
    justalady774

    Answer by justalady774 at 11:57 PM on Mar. 24, 2011

  • Maybe you should look into couples therapy, it could help both of you. Also talk to his family, they will still be part of your life regardless because they are your children's grandparents. Maybe they will support you and help you if you choose to end the relationship. Look into finding a job also if you can, become independent and be prepared for the worse but expect the best.
    GomezMami2908

    Answer by GomezMami2908 at 12:04 AM on Mar. 25, 2011

  • Well there is always light at the end of the tunnel...you have already answered your own question you don't get alone so therefore why stay you will be better off alone. There are lots of Government assistanace for single moms out there just call around you can qualify for Low income housing, Food stamps etc...so don't stay because you feel traped.
    As for his family you can also remain friends with them unless they don't want too and if thats the case then you are better off...but don't stay where your are not happy...after awhile things will get better you will get on your feet and who knows maybe meet a nice man...I would like to know how your doing take care ..T
    dusty1962

    Answer by dusty1962 at 12:12 AM on Mar. 25, 2011

  • First find a job. Instruct him that he is to pay childcare and do part of the housework. Sell your joint belongings apply for every program you can find. He may change his whole tune when he is confronted with the reality of being a single parent while your working.Either way you can gain control of the sitch. You can make it. You may even like a change more than you ever thought. God Bless
    CHarlan

    Answer by CHarlan at 12:28 AM on Mar. 25, 2011

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