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How to start this conversation?

I am getting married June 11. XH has our dd that weekend. I need to ask him for her the day of and then the next week, he can keep her while I am gone.(he has kept her during business and vacation trips before).

The problem is...We only got divorced Feb 2010. (haters move don't know my life) AND, XH and I got married on June 6 so this may be raw for him.

We do get along better now than we ever did and we both agree that being together was fun but we jointly agree that we are glad it is over. However, I know that this will be a sore subject since I am marrying someone else. (I would invite him but I know that would go over like a lead balloon and hurt his pride or seem like I am throwing it up in his face).

How to start this conversation? "Would you let me have Dd on June 11 and then keep her the next week" will certainly bring up the Why factor so should I just put it out there first or...?


Asked by Jademom07 at 11:16 AM on Mar. 25, 2011 in Relationships

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Answers (10)
  • How about " I hope this isn't uncomfortable for you, But I need to tell you I am getting married on (whatever the date). I would like to have (daughter's name) there, of course." and after he answers, " I was also hoping you would like to keep her the following week."

    Answer by Hazelnutkin at 2:35 PM on Mar. 25, 2011

  • He's bound to find out sooner or later. Better it come from you first and be honest. Never hurts to ask him. The worst he can say is no, right?

    Answer by vbruno at 11:21 AM on Mar. 25, 2011

  • I'd just be honest. Yeah, it might hurt him, but it'll hurt him more to hear it from someone else, and likely cause much more trouble if he finds out from someone else. Does he even know you've been seeing someone? If not, I'd start there and gradually lead up to it. Let him know you've been dating, then a few days/weeks later that it's serious, and eventually that you're marrying him and ask what you need to ask.

    Answer by wendythewriter at 11:38 AM on Mar. 25, 2011

  • Dear XH, as you may have heard or figured out I am getting remarried, I hope as mature adults and for the best interest of our DD you and I can rise above any past hurts and always do what is right for her. In this spirit, I was hoping you would be willing fill in the blanks. HOW'S THAT?

    Answer by 8Tinkerboo8 at 11:44 AM on Mar. 25, 2011

  • I'm sorry but I have to ask you how any of these responses are sarcastic? You stressed you wanted to know HOW to start the conversation and I suggested a starter convo with no sarcasm whatsoever, the other ladies posts were not sarcastic either.....?????

    Answer by 8Tinkerboo8 at 11:56 AM on Mar. 25, 2011

  • Only you know him well enough to know what and how he will react. So not knowing his 'buttons' so to speak, I might start with something like "You know we are both moving on with our lives (he does know you are dating as you said in your first response), and I've decided to take the next step and remarry". WAIT give him time to digest this before continuing, allow him time to ask questions before asking about change in visitation. You may have to wait another week or so, depending on he handled the news, before going any further. It is a difficult situation and I applaud you for caring about his feelings and reaction. Good luck in this situation AND your upcoming marriage.

    Answer by meooma at 12:04 PM on Mar. 25, 2011

  • Oh no I didn't mean it sarcastically at all (one of the many pitfalls with no body language or inflection) :) It was to emphasize me answering your question! Good luck!

    Answer by 8Tinkerboo8 at 12:05 PM on Mar. 25, 2011

  • He knows...we had to change the visitation papers since I moved with DD.
    And I DO want it to come from me but like the title states "How to START this conversation?"

    Comment by Jademom07 (original poster) at 11:40 AM on Mar. 25, 2011

  • Thank you for the help and sarcasm.

    At least I can find a place to start. I know this will hurt his feelings and I am trying to minimize that as much as I can by careful wording.

    Comment by Jademom07 (original poster) at 11:48 AM on Mar. 25, 2011

  • I took this "HOW'S THAT? " as somewhat sarcastic only because it's all in caps. One of the blessings of not getting body language and vocal intonation via messaging.

    I don't take it personal though just somewhat amused. You did give me a good way to break into the conversation. Thanks!

    Comment by Jademom07 (original poster) at 11:59 AM on Mar. 25, 2011

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