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He's Broke -- I'm Not.

Hello, Everyone.

I haven't had a relationship to talk about for many years -- until now.

I'm 44, he's 35. I rent a home, he still lives with his mother. I have a car (it's a bucket, but it drives), he doesn't. I'm hot-headed, he's not. I am disabled and so is he. I absolutely adore him...he loves me. I have a bit of money to spend during the month, but after paying child support, he's broke. So, I pay for everything......

At first, it wasn't such a big deal. But, it's really starting to get to me.

I try to take into account how good he is to me. He comes over (I pick him up) and he washes my dishes, takes out my trash, constantly hugs and kisses me and pretty much thinks I am the $hit. He's not too bad in the sack, either. And he loves all over my large frame as if it is the most glorious body around.

Am I being silly about the money situation or not? If not, how do I get over it?

Ar

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Arrhythmia

Asked by Arrhythmia at 2:04 PM on Nov. 26, 2008 in Relationships

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • Girrrrrl.... for a long time I always dated broke guys and they had redeeming qualities, as well as being pieces of shit. Set aside all the rules put in place by everyone else... what are YOUR priorities and expectations? It doesn't sound like this man is broke because he's a bum, but because of real things. One of my friends married someone whose check was whittled down to nothing from child support, but he does manage to contribute anyway. Do you know the details, or are you just trusting him? Con artists (not saying he is one, just saying keep your eyes open) are very good at treating women like princesses and making them feel awesome in order to have someone to sponge off of. I've dated many of them, I know.
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 2:12 PM on Nov. 26, 2008

  • That said... when I met my hubby he lost a job shortly after and has had difficulty keeping one. He has never been able to keep a job. He's bipolar. I don't make much money and paid for the majority of stuff since the beginning. But since the beginning whenever he has had money he pays for everything or hands it all over to me. Honestly I wouldn't care if he worked if I could afford him not to. For me it's about equal contribution to the relationship... he cleans the house all the time, he takes care of the house and yard and pets and does soooo much. And he does try to do the best he can with work. But I'm not into gender roles or money. Just please be careful as you have not been in a relationship and the excitement can cloud your vision.
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 2:17 PM on Nov. 26, 2008

  • i can understand how hard it can be to pay for everything. but after listening to how you described his treatment of you. i say you have a good thing going for you. if an equal partnership is what you want, it sounds like you have it. dont let his lack of finances get in the way of an obviously good thing. look at most marriages, not every couple brings in the same amount of $. each can contribute in their own way. hey, maybe you can ask for a foot rub when you get home!
    IGotLuckyInKy

    Answer by IGotLuckyInKy at 2:17 PM on Nov. 26, 2008

  • If I were you, I would have a chat with him and tell him how you feel. Also, if you feel like you are paying for too much, then stop... hubby and I have discovered many very cheap/free fun things to do, not the least of which is just hanging out together playing games. Tell him you understand his financial challenges but also make clear that you are not willing to (whatever it is that is your boundary). Even if he is not using you intentionally, in my experience, it becomes something that is taken for granted and then is expected, which creates real problems.
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 2:19 PM on Nov. 26, 2008

  • no i don't think so. i think it's a normal instinct to feel like you would like to be taken care and he be the provider. also you have to think about when you or him might get married how do you too both get along with financial hardship. this is the biggest cause of divorces. i'm concerned that you say that he has to pay child support and living at home and he has no money. with child support i thought they had to leave you enough to live on an obviously this isn't what is going on with him. maybe unknown to him he is paying to much out. if he didn't dispute the amount or didn't get a real good advice on how to allocate the CS then this might be the case. he should have something left over. you sometimes money isn't everything and i'm broke with my new hubby but i figure were at least broke together.
    melody77

    Answer by melody77 at 2:19 PM on Nov. 26, 2008

  • Here's the # 1 question: what do you want out of this relationship and are you getting it??? If the money thing is bothering you, there's probably more to it than that. Going out on a limb here: you sound like a strong and independent woman and you can do it all on your own. Perhaps the reason he isn't taking a stronger part in the relationship is because you CAN do it on your own and probably better? Sounds like you'd want someone to take care of YOU for a change. You need to talk to him...about what's REALLY bothering you....
    companygoddess

    Answer by companygoddess at 2:20 PM on Nov. 26, 2008

  • It sounds like you are happy about everything else, and that is also important. Not everyone is capable of being wonderful and appreciating you. That's worth more than anything...
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 2:21 PM on Nov. 26, 2008

  • and btw when i first met my hubby, i made THOUSANDS more than him a month. but when we had a daughter, we moved 2000 miles so he could get a better job. now i have the option to stay home with our daughter. i had to make a lot of sacrifices, but our live are much better now. you never know how much a little love and support can help a man. he might just need some motivation!
    IGotLuckyInKy

    Answer by IGotLuckyInKy at 2:24 PM on Nov. 26, 2008

  • As long as he is not taking advantage of your money situation and does contribute what he can- then its just fine : )
    litstargazer

    Answer by litstargazer at 2:27 PM on Nov. 26, 2008

  • "COMPANYGODDESS" brought up a very valid point.

    I am a single mother of four children, two of whom are still home. One has OCD, Tourettes and ADHD. The other has Autism. I'm the founder and executive director of a nonprofit for children with Autism. I'm also the owner and operator a haunted house that has been rated #1 in our area. In other words...YES, I want a man to take care of me and take control -- to help me forget all I've faced and will have to face."
    Arrhythmia

    Answer by Arrhythmia at 2:47 PM on Nov. 26, 2008

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