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Am i really wrong? or is he an ass?

my man and i both work nights, so just to clarify, "the middle of the night" to you all is two pm for us.
we don't "live" together, but he comes home to my house every morning from work. he has told me lately that he's really uncomfortable that i've had male friends over on nights i'm not working. one guest is a guy i work with, who bf knows and likes, who came by to have a couple beers on a nite bf was actually supposed to be home. the other is my best friend's husband (also a nite person) who came to help me pack up some household things his wife had loaned me that i no longer used and she wanted back. she knew her hubby was here, and he and i have been friends for 7 years. they live a block away and we're all very close.
basically my boyfriend has indicated that this is really inappropriate in his opinion, asking, "how would you feel?" the problem is, i wouldn't care. if female friends of his that were close enough to be considered family came by his house to hang out, that's really none of my business, and i wouldn't be bothered by it. i totally do NOT get why this is a big deal. he isn't accusing me of anything, but... he wants me to agree not to have a man in my home pretty much anytime he's not here.
to him, it simply isn't done that way, it's disrespectful to him, he says.
to me, it feels like he's trying to isolate me ( i do have issues with ex boyfriends that were very controlling, so i'm trying to leave that aside, but that's how it feels. what else is he gonna take away? cleavage tops? girls' nite out? that's how i feel.)
please, any advice on how to find a happy medium? am i really wrong? these aren't guys i have history with. one's practically a brother and the other is just a friend, who actually adores my bf and has NEVER hit on me, even when i was single.

Answer Question
 
shilohsmama425

Asked by shilohsmama425 at 7:46 AM on Mar. 26, 2011 in Relationships

Level 13 (1,059 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • I would have to say something this is your house and I would say if this is disrespectful now how are we going to have a relationship? This sounds like control right out of the gate.
    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 8:00 AM on Mar. 26, 2011

  • I would tell him that if he doesn't trust you that he shouldn't be with you. I would not have that. I would tell him strait up that i would not care if he had platonic female friends over.....and that he needs to find a way to be a big boy & cope with it.

    Has he been cheated on in the past? This would be a fighting topic in my home....but my husband trusts me. We have guy friends that are here when he is not sometimes....it's soooo not a big deal in my house. But, we're married & been together for a while...he knows me inside & out & trusts me %100. Maybe with more time, he'll learn to trust you more. I would not have guy friends over all the time for a while, but if it happens...he needs to trust you. You can't have a relationship with no trust...
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 8:02 AM on Mar. 26, 2011

  • his ex (6 years together) dropped it on him at the end that she'd been cheating the entire time, including threesomes, and with a man she'd introduced to him as... wait for it... her friend. so i get his insecurity.
    but its like... i've been treated like shit too, but i waited til i was sane again to get back into dating. he's not psychotically yelling over it or threatening to leave me, etc, but just keeps repeating that it makes him uncomfortable and he wouldn't have female friends over. why the hell not? it's so weird...
    shilohsmama425

    Comment by shilohsmama425 (original poster) at 8:08 AM on Mar. 26, 2011

  • also, to put things in perspective, he's not an overly jealous person in most situations... for example lol i work as a cocktailer in a nightclub where the uniform is a corset, boyshorts, fishnets and boots. and he's fine, he understands that's my work and i enjoy my job and make good money there. it's going out with male friends, or having them over that bothers him. so i don't know if this is something i should just avoid when reasonable to just appease him or if it's going to get out of hand.... he actually suggested i ask around because he's convinced that normally it just isn't how people in a relationship act...
    shilohsmama425

    Comment by shilohsmama425 (original poster) at 8:13 AM on Mar. 26, 2011

  • maybe avoid it for now. He has been burned, & hearts take a long time to heal from betrayal. I would tell him that for now, you won't have guys over but that he needs to work on his trust for you because you can't promise that you won't have your platonic guy friend over for the rest of your life. Explain to him that you know he has been betrayed & this is the only reason why you might agree to not having them over when you are alone in the house. Let him know that that is the only reason, but that he also needs to work on completely trusting you. This should be a joint effort to help him learn how to trust again.

    My DH has never been cheated on, s he doesn't have those feelings at all. But, it makes more sense now that i know he's been burned....he needs to learn how to trust completely again.
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 8:35 AM on Mar. 26, 2011

  • Well, I can kind of see where he is coming from. It makes him uncomfortable. I would be uncomfortable if my DH had girls over here while I was out- regardless if they were good friends or not. If you calmly asked your bf not to do something that bugged you, you'd expect him to honor your wishes, right? You sort of have to pick and choose your battles, just like with kids. Every relationship has give and take, and if this is something you're willing to go to the mat for, then you can push it. Just make sure it's worth it.
    lovingmy4babies

    Answer by lovingmy4babies at 8:39 AM on Mar. 26, 2011

  • I can see where you're coming from, but I can see where he's coming from too. It kind of seems like he's punishing you for what the ex did, and you know you would never do that, so you really don't like what he's saying. At the same time, though, you do know he's got some issues, and if you can do something fairly simple and easy to help ease his mind, why not do it for a little while anyway? Once he's had a chance to see that you do respect and love him, and can be trusted, then you can ease back into having male friends over when he's not there.

    Truthfully, his saying he wouldn't have female friends over isn't all that weird. I know many people who feel that way. I have a male friend who refuses to see me when he's here on vacation unless my SO can come with me. He doesn't want anyone to wonder. I used to think it was silly, but when I think about it I can see the point.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 9:01 AM on Mar. 26, 2011

  • I think it sounds like both of you are letting your past relationships affect this one...not that I think that is totally wrong. I mean, you do learn from past relationships what you are and are not willing to accept. For you, you are sensitive to the control issue, and have probably told yourself "I'm never going to be in a situation where I feel isolated and under someone's thumb again." For him, he is sensitive to the cheating and is probably telling himself "I deserve better than to be cheated on and I wont ignore the warning signs this time."

    I don't think either of you are in the wrong, but I would try to lay it all out on the table and have a real talk about it so you can make a decision about whether the relationship can work without either of you giving in on the standards you have developed based on your previous experiences.
    Mom-2-3-Girlz

    Answer by Mom-2-3-Girlz at 9:04 AM on Mar. 26, 2011

  • I wouldn't say anyone is 'wrong'. I have to say, I agree with him though. And even though he is your BF, not your hubby, you guys are in a serious, committed relationship, and it needs to be treated that way. He did come to you the right way with it, right? Kuddo's to him for that. I get it that you wouldn't care if he had female friends over. But, depending on just how you feel about your BF, you do need to pick your battles. I wouldn't worry about control issues coming up right now. But this would be a good time to discuss what each of you views as being appropriate and not appropriate. For my hubby and I, hanging out with someone of the opposite sex is inappropriate, when the other is not there. It's not a trust issue, people talk. And, it's just something we both agree on. Just talk with him, and pick your battles. There has to be compromise in all relationships, not just marriages, or they fail.
    Raine2001

    Answer by Raine2001 at 1:53 PM on Mar. 26, 2011

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