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How do you get through the very real possibility that you are going to lose a parent? Long...possibly a vent. I'm distraught.

Let me start out by saying that my sister's mother has been much more of a mother to me than my own mother. She is who I go to for parenting advice, she is who wants to be at my girls' games, she is at their birthdays, etc.

I just got a terrible phone call from my sister, who was crying hysterically. My "mama" had a seizure while driving and was in a car accident. That is not the worst part, the accident was mild. The reason she had the seizure was because there is a GRAPEFRUIT sized tumor in her brain, which they say is putting pressure on the part of her brain that controls motor function. They say the tumor is benign and they want to operate tomorrow, but the surgery is risky, and doing nothing basically means that mom is done for. for now, she is on life support.

She had a stroke several years ago, and since then her mobility has started to decline. As has her vision. As has her memory. All of these things we blamed on the stroke and age, but now we know that everything has probably been the tumor. The doctor says it is so slow growing that we wouldn't have seen a "shocking change", just gradual like what we saw...and not to blame ourselves for not recognizing it...but that is damn hard advice to take.

To make it worse, my LP saw the accident but didn't realize it was my mother. I didn't get the first phone call, and didn't think anything of it at all when my sister didn't answer when I called back a couple hours later...I feel guilty over that. Plus, my LP's father died of an eriely similar condition 20 years ago...I mean the similarities are striking. The progression, the "final straw", everything.

I am shaking in my boots. I really don't know how to deal with this emotionally. My kids will be so upset. I am scared for her. My sisters are so rattled and of course I want to comfort them too, but I am rattled myself. We talked mostly about the practical things. What she wants, what the next step is, what legally needs to happen (she doesn't have a written power of attorney, and just a hand written will), whether 8 kids can agree on the way things should be handled.

This is purely awful...and I don't know how to cope just through the overnight. As bad as it sounds, I just want to be through the surgery tomorrow so we will know SOMETHING. I want to know what we are dealing with. I could just be sick.


Asked by Mom-2-3-Girlz at 10:56 PM on Mar. 26, 2011 in Relationships

Level 37 (93,457 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (12)
  • First of all I want to not feel guilty for not answering that phone call. You had no reason to know what it was about at the time. Please try to stop blaming yourself.

    Second, I'm so sorry all this is happening all at once! I know I'd feel the same way as you because she IS your mom! She might not have birthed you, but she IS your mom. Lots of *hugs* from over here in South Dakota. I know it'll be hard, and once the surgery has been done, you'll know more of what is to come.

    Answer by hopeandglory53 at 11:07 PM on Mar. 26, 2011

  • For those of us who have lost a parent, there just is no easy thing to say - it's hard, it's awful and something, somehow you "just" get through it. You go through periods of crying, periods where you keep it together, periods where you can't cry - it's an emotional roller coaster. Your adrenaline will be kicking in by tomorrow morning and that will help you get through the next few days. There still seems to be some hope so perhaps tomorrow will bring some sort of miracle. The REAL hard part comes once they are gone, everyone is gone with their casseroles and condolences and you are alone with your thoughts and the knowledge that they are gone. You JUST get through it - you are in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this awful situation.

    Answer by 8Tinkerboo8 at 11:12 PM on Mar. 26, 2011

  • I am sorry Momma. My dad is dying of cancer, so I am in the same boat. I have no answers for you or me. Big hugs!

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:00 PM on Mar. 26, 2011

  • You can never deal with losing a parent. Its so real, and thats the bad part. I lost my brother a couple years back. Though he did not die like this, he died of suicide, it was so hard to deal with. But, it's partly YOUR responsibility to be strong for those you love. You have to help everyone get through this, pray everyday that god gives you the strength to do this. I wish you the best of luck!

    Answer by GraciesMommy464 at 11:01 PM on Mar. 26, 2011

  • So sorry. This is a horrible thing to go through. Just lost my grandma in Dec. Hang in their mama.

    Answer by reaandiziesmama at 11:14 PM on Mar. 26, 2011

  • I just cried my way through the shower. About the only useful thing I was able to come up with in there was that I am starting my FMLA leave effective ASAP. I am also almost 8 months pregnant with our third child and I have toxemia again. My doctor will definitely order my medical leave. I just had to take 3 days off last week when my kids had the flu, and the last thing I need on my mind right now is work. It is time.

    I just keep trying to think that we have done everything we can do for now, and that what happens now is no longer in our hands. We will be good children for our mother, we will be there, we will make good decisions for her...but we cannot do anything more than that. I still feel terribly guilty that we were so quick to accept that everything that was happening was due to age or the stroke. Logically I know we couldn't have known and would have brought it up if we suspected something more serious, but damn.

    Comment by Mom-2-3-Girlz (original poster) at 11:28 PM on Mar. 26, 2011

  • Sorry you are going through this hun. I just lost my Grandpa today. He had cancer and alzheimer's disease. My Grandma is being really strong right now, though she's said she's had her moments today. She was with him in the hospital when he passed this morning. My Mom and I haven't been keeping it together very well today. Hugs to you, momma.

    Answer by proudmom2510 at 11:41 PM on Mar. 26, 2011

  • Ill keep you family in my prayers. I am very sorry for all of you. I lost my dad to cancer so I know what ts like to lose a parent. It is a heart wrenching experience. God bless all of you.

    Answer by katcb1019 at 11:54 PM on Mar. 26, 2011

  • A lot of prayer.

    Answer by stitchintime at 6:16 AM on Mar. 27, 2011

  • I am so sorry. I am also glad you have people to lean on. You will get though this and beautiful memories will fill your mind someday. I know it is easy for me to say but I lost my mother not too long ago and was in a deep depression for awhile. I didn't even shower. But now as much as I miss her and wish I could be with her I do have memories that bring a huge smile to my face. Yes, I still cry, but as someone reminded me........... I would much rather have had her in my life than not have ever even known her. I have also lost my dad and brother and a good friend, but my mom's death was the most painful. I wish peace. Do whatever you need to bring you a little peace each day whether it be taking a hot bath, sitting in the sun, or taking a walk. hug

    Answer by elizabr at 11:02 AM on Mar. 27, 2011