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Is it offensive?

Is it offensive for APs to tell the stories of their children's birth parents if they are on drugs or placed for adoption to avoid removal by DHS?

Why birth moms get upset at these stories? If they are not on drugs and are good parents, why do they take it personally?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:16 PM on Mar. 27, 2011 in Adoption

Answers (17)
  • Personally I dont like hearing it because I dont care about the circumstances of your adoption or that of the bio parent.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 2:18 PM on Mar. 27, 2011

  • i dont think its offensive...
    kylansmommy09

    Answer by kylansmommy09 at 2:21 PM on Mar. 27, 2011

  • I don't think they necessarily need to be told, that birth mother gave the adoptive parents a gift, whatever the reasons they should not look down on them, you don't know how much they loved their children.
    kayalouise

    Answer by kayalouise at 2:28 PM on Mar. 27, 2011

  • Exactly you said it better then I did. I think it should not matter what the BM does, did or didnt do. You have been given a blessing and to badmouth the person who ultimately gave you a child is wrong on so many levels.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 2:29 PM on Mar. 27, 2011

  • There is a bad reason to give a child up? Is that what youre saying?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:39 PM on Mar. 27, 2011

  • I am not an adoptive parent... but my bff is. I think it is WRONG for the adoptive parents to put the birth parents in a bad light.


    Children do not need to know, while they are little, that their birth parents were drug addicted or simply incompetent. I think for the sake of the children (ALL DESICIONS SHOULD BE MADE FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN) the adoptive parents should simply say that the birth parents were unable to give you the life they knew you deserved and we loved you so much that we brought you home to be our forever children.


    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:57 PM on Mar. 27, 2011

  • WHEN the kids are teens/young adults and start asking the questions you can give them more information. But really why would you tell a child that they are genetically related to an incompetent person... a young child could internalize that and make it part of their identity.


     


    ~~~~ as for the parents to tell their friends and/or relatives... it is simply tacky. You can give the very basic information to those who need it... other wise it is simply tacky gossip!

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:59 PM on Mar. 27, 2011

  • Quote 'WHEN the kids are teens/young adults and start asking the questions you can give them more information. But really why would you tell a child that they are genetically related to an incompetent person... a young child could internalize that and make it part of their identity."

    I agree with this about the young child. I also think it's very important to tell an older child as addiction traits are genetic.


    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 4:26 PM on Mar. 27, 2011

  • Good question!

    I often see birthmoms tell stories about coercion and manipulation by APs. If an AP objects, they tell the AP that they must be guilty or else they wouldn't take it personally.

    However, if an AP mentions that SOME birthmoms are drug addicts and that SOME birthmoms place to avoid CPS, these same birthmoms complain and seem to take it personally. APs do not tell these birthmoms that they must be guilty or else they would not have taken it personally. I don't know of any APs who would be that mean.

    Today, I saw a birthmom tell an AP that if the AP feels guilty it is because she has something to feel guilty about. No one would be so cruel to say something like that to a birthmom. Why would a birthmom do that to anyone else?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:08 PM on Mar. 27, 2011

  • I do encourage parents to be honest but age appropriate with their children about the circumstances of their adoption and birth parents. Yes, even kids in first grade can handle information. And children who were in foster care can often rember it. I do not ecourage parents to share it outside of the immediate family - mom, dad, kid. That is it. You can always share without being judgemental by the way. Just because I will one day tell my son his birth mother had issues with drugs does not mean I am calling her a crack whore. Phrasing it that some people have an illness and they use drugs in a way they shoud not makes it easier to not place blame. Never passing judgement on anyone who has addiction or mental health issues a good start. I have no guilt over sharing with my child his personal history or that what I know of in his family.
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 7:00 PM on Mar. 27, 2011

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