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3 Bumps

So I work at a Homeless Shelter...vent

And not too long ago there was a mom completely stressed out.  I asked what was wrong and she told me she was stressed, her baby is 4months, and she just feels like a crappy mom.  I felt a bit bad because I know the stress of being a younger mom.

I too am 19, but my son is 16mos, I go to school FT, work at the shelter and understand being overwhelmed, especially because of my job, it's an emotional strain.

Well the girl goes on to start driving me down with excuses, Baby's father is supposed to be taking care of them, never worked before, droped out of school way before she was even pregnant, and she says "It's just because Im a young mom so everything is hard for me."

idk why but that made me stop feeling bad for her.  Why should I feel bad, she already felt sorry for herself. I just feel like of course your life is hard, its hard when you make excuses for why you are doing bad, instead recognize the problem and over come it.  sheesh

what do you all think?  She is honestly just bugging me now, everytime I see her or she talks to me its this huge pity party. I know I'm supposed to have a bigger heart I guess but there are actually people I could tend to who are trying to do well, they have stopped making excuses and are now finding solutions


Asked by Anonymous at 9:28 PM on Mar. 27, 2011 in General Parenting

This question is closed.
Answers (15)
  • Do your best to help her realize she can do more for herself and child. Try and get her talking and thinking about what her future goals are and how to go about achieving them. I've worked with a lot of people like this, some of them have had no one to support them. They go their whole lives being told they can't. Maybe you can plant a seed and be the one person telling her "yes you can."

    Answer by camiam81 at 9:47 PM on Mar. 27, 2011

  • She sounds like she needs love and attention. Maybe she doesn't feel good about herself. We don't know where she has come from or what upbringing she's had. Keep giving her a good listening ear, but let her know you've got a job to do and you can't just stand around listening to her problems only. Always give others a second chance, and a third, fourth, fifth... you know what I mean. Be as patient as you can with her and offer her some advice as to how you are going to school, working, being a good mom, etc. She can learn from your example.

    Answer by Ruthmom802 at 9:35 PM on Mar. 27, 2011

  • I think you kind of need to tell her that. It's her life and she needs to stop making excuses and learn how to take care of herself.

    Answer by JackieGirl007 at 9:36 PM on Mar. 27, 2011

  • wow.... what a seriously draining job. I don't see how you could work someplace so emotionally stressful without an outlet (yoga, therapy, whatever) try not to let it get to you. leave work at work...... be kind and helpful and offer her resources but don't give her your heart or let her into your head.

    Answer by hibbingmom at 9:36 PM on Mar. 27, 2011

  • Everything affects people differently. There are some people out there who truly deserve to be homeless, because they do absolutely nothing to change their situation. There's a good chance she's likely not telling you everything &she could honestly feel just so beaten down that she can't accomplish anything anymore.

    I know without a family, it's very very hard to do most things that normal people would consider normal activities. I feel like a shit bag parent when it's my kids birthday & I only get to invite 2-3 people. No family shows up. On holidays, there isn't a mantle full of cards or anything. Family & a support system is much larger than most people realize, & chances are if she's in the situation she's in now, she probably doesn't have one.

    If there's no extra money, I have to skip bills and medicine scripts. I don't have anyone else to rely on. Shit gets tough. But it took me 7 years to see it

    Cut her some slack.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:41 PM on Mar. 27, 2011

  • I've been homeless. I've bounced from house to house & place to place, & it's not the lap of luxury. But when you're in that situation you truly feel just so overwhelmed with everything. You essentially have NOTHING. Shit I was 18 when I woke up one morning & the foster care system told me I had to leave. You know what kind of life skills were missing from my life? I had NO idea what to do. It took me another good 7 years to actually figure out what I needed to survive. Then you finally get a car and it breaks down, and then you finally get caught up & then you lose your job. That can honestly happen to anyone but when you've been struggling to find your place & when you think it's finally aligned and on track and it happens, man it's like you just went off the deep end again.

    I cannot imagine not being able to put food into my daughters mouth. I just cannot fathom or tolerate the idea. I feel for her, and I've never met her.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:45 PM on Mar. 27, 2011

  • Maybe she doesn't know how to fill out an application. Would you be interested in helping her with that? Just a suggestion. I think she just needs a guiding hand. Not everyone will go "soft" if you go "soft" but you'd be amazed at what you can accomplish with a soft touch and kind words. She's probably never done this stuff in her life and has no idea how or where to get started.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:52 PM on Mar. 27, 2011

  • You have the right idea. Maybe you need to tell her what you told us. She caused her own problems and it's time to start finding solutions instead of complaining.

    Answer by Kimimale at 9:37 PM on Mar. 27, 2011

  • I agree with Ruthmom. The best you can do is be a positive example. She sounds like she may have not had that growing up or in her life at all.

    Answer by aka_speezolove at 9:42 PM on Mar. 27, 2011

  • Yes I am trying to be patient with her. I'm pretty much known as the 'hardass' around the shelter when it comes to progression. Just the way I was raised I guess. I feel like when I go soft on people they go soft on themselves as well. I do something a lot of the other workers don't do and I make a progression chelck list for each resident who see's me. She has a weekly checklist, which includes staying on top of personal needs, like diapers and such. And then she has her 6month check list, which is what she needs to do while she stays in the shelter, which has a 6month limit. #1 if I can remember correctly is something like "Filling out applications for low income apartments, or get on the waiting list to each on in the city." There are about 15 low income apartments rent ranging from 360-500 for a one bedroom. She hasn't sent out one. not one. smh. It's ju7st going to get her written up.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:46 PM on Mar. 27, 2011