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How would you feel? What would you do?

I grew up very close to my grandmother on my dad's side but we moved across the country 10 years ago and now I have a son with my fiance who is black (I'm white). My grandmother has always been very prejudice and very against interracial couples. She hasn't said anything negative about me or my son but she never asks about him when I speak to her and she's never sent him anything, not even a card when he was born. We are now back in my hometown visiting the rest of my family and she's only 10 minutes away. I'd like to see her since she's getting old and won't be around much longer but I know it would be very akward and I wouldn't want to bring my fiance yet there's no way I would tell him he is not welcome to go where I go. Should I even bother with her? It makes me very sad to not be able to see her but it makes me feel worse that my own 4 month old innocent baby is being subjected to racism by his own family.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:38 PM on Nov. 27, 2008 in Relationships

Answers (6)
  • blowing kissesHi, As I understand what you're saying,it is YOUR grandmother that you miss and would like to see before she passes on right? Then there is no need for you to bring your child OR BF. You will regret not going to see her after she dies so just go and be together with only her.

    jblueeyes228

    Answer by jblueeyes228 at 9:45 PM on Nov. 27, 2008

  • I would try not to make it awkward by bringing your fiance around, but at the same time, don't doubt your grandma's ability to change. My grandmother is against interracial couples too, and my SO is Japanese or in her words "At least he's only Japanese". I guess the difference is that I knew I had some time left with my grandmother, but I did call her out on it. I sat down with her and told her that it was my intention to spend my life with him and have a kids with him and make a real go at a real life with him...and I asked her if it was her intention to support me or if she was going to keep having a fit about it. I told her that I could understand her throwing a fit if he didn't work, was not good to our kids, abused me, had a drinking habit, CONT
    kabbot01

    Answer by kabbot01 at 10:51 PM on Nov. 27, 2008

  • or any other behavior you wouldn't accept out of ANY man, but it was not okay to treat him differently because he didn't look like me. BELIEVE me that conversation did not end well right away...she got defensive, but a couple days later she called my house and told me she was sorry and that he was a good man and then she asked to talk to him so she could let him know she was sorry and he would always be welcome in our family. Since then, I think she has definitely grown as a person and has never made another comment about it.
    kabbot01

    Answer by kabbot01 at 10:54 PM on Nov. 27, 2008

  • Seeing your grandmother for possibly the last time is a special and private thing and shouldn't be shared with your guy anyway especially when you know it might upset her. Make your last time with her memorable and peaceful. there is no reason to cause strife at this point in her life. As for your son, he's too young to know about racism so just let the racism die with her. He doesn't need to know.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:59 PM on Nov. 27, 2008

  • I would go visit gramma. Bring a friend and your baby. Leave baby with the friend outside her room, and visit with her and talk to her. Let her know you are happy and that you have a new baby. Tell her you would love for her to see your son. Depending on her ability to think clearly, you may want to start with a picture of your son. You will be able to tell if she might want to see the baby by her reaction. If she is indifferent, let it go. If she is sweet or warm about the baby, let her know that you have the baby right there for her to see. Babies have a way of warming gramma's hearts...despite the past. I wouldn't bring the BF as he isn't really in the family. Let this be a time for gramma and you - and hopefuly your son as well. GL hun!

    Babylove76

    Answer by Babylove76 at 11:42 PM on Nov. 27, 2008

  • Don't write her off. And try not to hold it against her too much. It is a generational thing more than a personal thing. She is from a different time when the social norm was very different. Times have changed and a part of her has not, but a part of her knows that the rest of the world has. And more than anything, 100% of her still loves you. You should go and see her. For the first part of the visit just visit like normal. After a while ask her if she would like to meet her great grand son. Don't underestimate her. Good luck! And congrats on the baby and the engagement!:)
    beckcorc

    Answer by beckcorc at 11:53 PM on Nov. 27, 2008

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