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2 Bumps

Need advice...kinda long..sorry

I've been married for 2 1/2 years. Have a almost 8 month old. We were together for 2 1/2 years before we got married, one of which we were engaged. As soon as we got engaged my hubby completely changed. Before he had time to spend with me, there was not one day we didn't spend together from the day we started dating. We were deeply in love, would go for walks, shopping, go for a drive, visit friends or family. When we got engaged we purchased our home & vehicles ect, I'm not sure if it's having debt that changed him, or he just got used to having me around. He never wants to do anything together, he never grabs me and hugs me, ect. we have sex once a month, I've told him how I feel and that we need to work on our relationship and he does nothing. I offer to seek a professional he said no way. When we go out for a few drinks, he spends his night on the opposite side of the bar visiting with other people. I don't feel loved, sexy, pretty anything. I get all dressed up when we go out, hair make up the works, and he can't say one word. He doesn't watch me walk accross the room & likes what he sees. He's got a bad temper, yells & swears and me and our son. I've threatened to leave b/c I'm very unhappy and he saids f*ckin go ahead, but you aren't taking our son, mind you he hasn't spent more than a few hours taking care of him alone, he always drops him off with his mom, and I'm a SAHM so I'm worthless b/c I don't make any $ or make contributions to our family is what I'm told. I am 3/4 student online for college, so during the day, I'm taking care of our son, doing my school work, and doing housework, but according to him I do nothing. He has no idea what classes I'm in, or anything whats going on in my life. He comes home and talks during supper about his job, doesn't ask 1 thing about me or our son, and then goes outside or goes on computer. My ? is, how long do you put up with the bullshit? I'm back & forth b/c I want my marriage to work, but somedays I think I would be happier alone. I spend my weekends with my mom b/c he runs off and does whatever he wants. He never stays home and hangs out with his wife and son, if he does stay around home, he's either outside or on computer not paying any attention to us. I guess I'm a dependent person, and I need someone to be there for me that wants to be, like when we were dating. I thought that's who he was, I had my doubts when I was engaged but was to afraid to call it off. What do you think I should do in your honest opinion? I have no $ so if I did leave I would have to move in with my parents for awhile, and if I did stay I'm afraid happiness will never find me. My son is the only thing that keeps me going everyday.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:57 AM on Mar. 29, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (8)
  • I'm going to tell you what I would do if it were me
    I would go to my mom's for a whole week, and obviously take your son with you. He's at work so he can't say the baby should stay with him, because that wouldn't make sense. If during or after that week he shows any sign that he missed you guys or he knows he needs to change than there is room for change. If he doesn't call you, or ask to see his son or anything, than I would def go to counseling and talk to your mom about it. If you can live there for awhile until you get a full-time job or something, then I would go ahead and do it. I hate divorce, and I personally, don't believe in it, but sometimes people change and you can't sit around and wait for him to love you
    noahsmom13

    Answer by noahsmom13 at 12:15 PM on Mar. 29, 2011

  • if he told you to leave do it! I did, I told him I was unhappy for 3 years and finally one day he yelled at me again to "just f(*&ing leave" and I did. BEST choice ever! Talk to family and friends.. see what your options are. it will get messy but it can only get better from here
    zoejains_momma

    Answer by zoejains_momma at 12:02 PM on Mar. 29, 2011

  • I am very big on trying to make a marriage work, but it takes two to keep a marriage going and it sounds to me like your the only one trying. Nobody deserves to be treated the way he is treating you. He seems as though he does not care and has basically given up. Im sorry that this is going on and good luck to.
    michelle.coppes

    Answer by michelle.coppes at 12:07 PM on Mar. 29, 2011

  • I feel like i am reading something i wrote...being that i was in the same situation three years ago. If you know you are unhappy and he isn't making anything easier for you much less compromising i say dont waste another minute. Set up a "escape plan" save your money and leave. Regardless if you guys are together or not he is obligated to support his son. Stand up for what you deserve and never let anyone treat you second best. We as woman (in my opinion) settle all too much and lose ourselves in relationships....i know i did and have witnessed it numerous times. Trust me though....one mans mistake is the next mans opportunity...good luck love!
    BalooSkii

    Answer by BalooSkii at 12:19 PM on Mar. 29, 2011

  • I would find a way to be independent real quick and maybe go to counseling by yourself. I think you need to work on how your going to move on and work on yourself being alone is easier then taking this crap.
    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 12:04 PM on Mar. 29, 2011

  • I am glad you posted a very hard question. I know this is not easy at all, but from what you have stated in your very long email is that you are very unhappy. From someone who has been down the road of divorce, I suggest you go to counseling (some of what your insurance should pay for) talk to a professional, make a decision and do it. There is no one in life that will make you happy but YOU. If you are not happy you cannot be a good mom... You should not have to hear all those hurtful statements! Do you know that is emotional abuse? Please don't allow this to go on as it is not healthy for you or your son. Good luck to you!
    momof2boys096

    Answer by momof2boys096 at 12:06 PM on Mar. 29, 2011

  • If you are not in physical danger, I would definately take the advice of the other posters and go to counseling. Take some time to decide what you want to do, and start up an escape plan/fund for yourself, if you ultimately decide that you want out. There is no need to rush.

    Also, once your husband sees that you are in counseling, he may be more apt to do some couples work with you. If there is still love there, then it is worth a try. If counseling doesn't work, at least you know you have it your all.

    I am not trying to minimize what you are going through . . I know you are heartbroken . . . but, there is a very common marriage cycle . . . between 5 to7 years of a realtionship, there tends to be some conflict, distance, strife . . . . sometimes this ends with you both reemerging with a new love for each other. Relationships are a push and pull, and alot of hard work.

    Hugs . . ..
    ImaginationMama

    Answer by ImaginationMama at 12:36 PM on Mar. 29, 2011

  • if you are in college that's a good start. I'd get some counseling alone, but it sounds like he doesn't want to work on it and you can't force him. I'd see a lawyer about your rights particularly regarding your son.

    and I'd document the kinds of things that he does.

    But yeah, I'd split if I was treated like this and Dh didn't want to work on it. Your son doesn't need to grow up in a house with bad screaming like that. I did, and I joke that I think the #1 reason I married Dh is because the man never yells!
    ItsMe89

    Answer by ItsMe89 at 6:53 PM on Mar. 29, 2011