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2 Bumps

How do I get my husband on the same page about disciplining HIS daughter?

My husband has a 13 yr old daughter that we got custody of about 4 years ago. She refuses to do chores or help out in any way in our home. Her grades in school are ok for the most part, but she is failing science and math. Any time I bring these things to his attention he doesn't want to do anything about it. He thinks that if he makes her mad she will want to go live with her mom. She agreed to do chores and keep her grades up to be able to join ski club in school. She has not followed through nor will he say anything to her. When I do he says I have to ask her in a sweet tone to do these things every day. I refuse to. That isn't how the world works. I'm at my wits end. He takes her skiing on the weekends and other fun stuff while I stay home with our 9 month old and 2 year old. I don't see how this is fair. Especially since i don't feel she has earned anything. Any ideas on how to open his eyes? I'm very tired of his daughter being put before me! Am I being unreasonable?

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:22 PM on Mar. 29, 2011 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (11)
  • I don't think your being unreasonable at all.  She acts that way because she is allowed to.  I agree with you and I'm sorry that I don't have any helpful ideas on how to open up hubbys eyes.

    MrsHouston47302

    Answer by MrsHouston47302 at 1:24 PM on Mar. 29, 2011

  • Thats his daughter and if you resent her, and it sounds like you do, he will see that and it can ruin your marriage. He is the way he is with her and all you can do is bring the things to his attention that need to be brought up (like grades). Obviously he is scared of losing custody and I dont think he is going to do a thing to jeopardize losing her.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 1:25 PM on Mar. 29, 2011

  • I am not sure if it would help although there is a book called Get out of my life.  It is a great book on how to deal with your teenagers and what they are going through.  I also don't think you are being unreasonable, although I do think if he doesn't want to see it then you can't make him. 


    Good Luck!

    cornflakegirl3

    Answer by cornflakegirl3 at 1:28 PM on Mar. 29, 2011

  • Explain to him that as her step mom you love her and want whats best for her long term. If she does not get good grades now,her chances of going to college are shot. If she does not learn to take care of chores and learn to cook now,it will be difficult for her when she is on her own. Just be clear that it is her future you are concerned with and I am certain he will come around.

    thecoffeefairy

    Answer by thecoffeefairy at 1:30 PM on Mar. 29, 2011

  • He will not see things your way until he's ready to open his eyes and he's no longer afraid of her wanting to go and live with her mom...and as quiet as its kept, she's knows this as well and she plays on her dad to get her way...no matter how you try to get him to understand, this situation with his daughter will never change. AFter four years of dealing with it, if it was to improve, it would've improved a long time ago when it first became apparent to you...
    mom2mybabes

    Answer by mom2mybabes at 2:09 PM on Mar. 29, 2011

  • As she is HIS dd, it's really more of a matter of you getting on the same page with him then him getting on the same page with you.
    JLS2388

    Answer by JLS2388 at 2:51 PM on Mar. 29, 2011

  • What do you want her to stay home with YOUR kids? You knew he had a child before you married him right? This means that you knew that if you had children together, he would have to spread his time. It would be nice if you and her could go out sometimes and he watch the babies but you two don't seem to get along. Why should she give up time with her dad because you had other children? As far as the rules go, it sounds like her dad isn't backing you so you have no authority
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:54 PM on Mar. 29, 2011

  • Failing courses is not ok. It is a cry for help. Family counseling is definitely in order
    rkoloms

    Answer by rkoloms at 7:38 PM on Mar. 29, 2011

  • I'd be tempted to try the counseling route. First with the two of you so you can express how you feel, and then with his DD.
    4EqltyMom

    Answer by 4EqltyMom at 1:02 PM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • well if you tried talking to him about it and he isn't doing anything because he is afraid she will want to go to her mothers then you are (sorry to say) shit out of luck. unless he puts his foot down there isn't anything you can do. that's his daughter and you i'm sure have no right to discipline her. you are to her just her dad's wife nothing more. this will put a damper on your marriage, so its up to you to either continue fighting about his daughter or let it be. or better yet don't do anything for the girl. don't cook for her, don't clean up after her and see how your husband likes it.
    lucky35

    Answer by lucky35 at 3:30 PM on Mar. 31, 2011

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