Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

2 Bumps

I'm always threatening to leave when we fight

I cant help myself, when we fight I cant handle it. I cant handle confrontation, and some of the stuff he says is too much for me to handle...I dont want to be where I'm not wanted. But he gets pissed off every time I say "fine, I'll leave then" Its really ridiculous but I HATE being here if he's angry, resentful etc...I cant handle that negativity.
I have a hard time trusting him, that he really does love me, want to continue being with me. But I'm so insecure, and the thing I'd hate most is to stay with someone when they dont want me. He's cried before, he's made me promise not to say it anymore...but I dont know how to change the way I feel. Its not like Id have anywhere else to go, my car...but I dont care, I rather live in a shelter or with friends. We've been together for 7 years, we have 4 children.
What can I do to change my way of thinking because it hurts him.

Answer Question
 
4heartbeats

Asked by 4heartbeats at 6:37 AM on Mar. 30, 2011 in Relationships

Level 7 (143 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • I think you need to change the way you handle conflict. Both of you do. I've been married 13 yrs and I can't handle screaming and fighting like that. I grew up in a home where there was constant conflict and I won't have that. DH and I NEVER fight. And I do mean never. Now we do disagree. But we can calmly share our views and come to an agreement by just talking. I think you should both see a marriage counselor. Work on your communication and agree that fighting isn't the way to resolve conflict.
    SalemWitchChild

    Answer by SalemWitchChild at 6:42 AM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • Well see, I knew I should have elaborated better. We dont scream. There is no cussing, no slamming etc. I just cant handle the negative things he says. We've already both agreed we dislike fighting and try not to, but communicating with him is very difficult...he has Aspergers.
    4heartbeats

    Comment by 4heartbeats (original poster) at 6:44 AM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • you have to learn to stay calm and control yourself when u have the urge to say that to him , you already know when its going to happen , so take a deep breath and look for something positive to say instead , i know its hard but only you have the power to stop. i used to be like that, but i found it to be quite childish since i ended up staying everytime even after swearing up and down i was leaving , its not a good thing because they grow accustomed to it and after a while it doesnt even register to them , its like he knows ur gonna say it before the words even come out , it has became part of ur routine when ur angry and its not going to bother him. Next time u say ur leaving let it be because thats what u r really doing , but remember a dog that barks hardly ever bites! GL.
    PrettyBaby24

    Answer by PrettyBaby24 at 6:46 AM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • Well I just wish it didnt bother him so wouldnt have to change lol, but it does bother him every time. Any promise is extremely important to him, so every time I say I break a promise. There is no leeway. Thanks ladies. I will try even harder, hopefully if I can do it one time...I'll be able to do it the next.

    Well, I guess I just thought of a problem. When I DONT say it, it continues getting worse between us. BUT when I say it, it fizzles out because it knocks the wind out of him. OR if I DONT say it, I actually take off (temporarily for hours, like I'll go to a movie) and leaving pisses him off to no end.

    AHHH I wish we didnt have problems lol...and marriage counseling is not going to happen, he wont go.
    4heartbeats

    Comment by 4heartbeats (original poster) at 6:56 AM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • Give an example of "negative things he says". The best thing you can probably do for now is just walk away when your at your limit. Tell him you need a bit of breathing room and so does he.
    SalemWitchChild

    Answer by SalemWitchChild at 6:57 AM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • It sounds like you have a problem with being criticized. You say more than once that you can't handle negative things he says and that you won't stay where you aren't wanted. So it sounds to me like he says something he doesn't like about you or the relationship and you take that to mean he can't stand you (maybe not exactly that way, but to make a point here) and decide if he doesn't like X about you or Y in the relationship isn't working, that the relationship is a waste.

    I think you need to see a counselor who can help you learn how to accept criticism (or perceived criticism) so that when conflicts like this arise, you can hear him out and be able to acknowledge that it hurts to hear but then move on to a solution rather then saying you'll leave.

    Once you do that, if it's still a problem or that's resolved but something else starts, then it's time for you both to see a counselor to work on how you fight together.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 6:59 AM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • Wendy you put me to tears because its true. It feels like he blames me for everything, its constantly "you, you, you" he's always correcting me, and telling me what I should have done instead, what I should do.

    Example: We need our tax refund. We were supposed to get it, already 4 weeks since we filled. We're in a big financial problem right now, we need the money to catch up. I called the IRS, they said it could take 4 more weeks because of issues with their system because of the form we filed. Instead of agreeing with me that it sucked, he said "you shouldnt have counted on that money and paid (so & so bill)...we didnt have money for that bill anyway, I do the finances alone...he has no idea except for the snippets I tell him. Then his expression is just that of disappointment, disgust...I cant handle it. Then I tell him "I cant handle this right now" then he says "dont start with the attitude!" then I flip with anxiety.
    4heartbeats

    Comment by 4heartbeats (original poster) at 7:07 AM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • Its tiny stuff like that, that just leads to more, and more.
    4heartbeats

    Comment by 4heartbeats (original poster) at 7:09 AM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • It sounds to me like HE is the one starting with the attitude.  Maybe a more in depth conversation about bills/finances would be called for?  My husband does all of the bills and it's taken me years to except that there is always only one set of moneys that have to go so far.  Finances are hard to understand for some, me included. 

    MrsHouston47302

    Answer by MrsHouston47302 at 8:03 AM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • OMG.. I feel like your situation is remarkably identical to mine. I say the same thing all the time and he hates it. I just feel the same, i feel like if he has it so bad i will just take th kids and go. I know i am blowing things way out of proportion but its my defense tactic. I could type a page on here but my boys are going crazy right now. If you want to talk you can message me, i totally understand what you are going through! Good luck
    JenzAmomOf2

    Answer by JenzAmomOf2 at 8:07 AM on Mar. 30, 2011

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.
close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN