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16 Bumps

What is wrong with some of these step moms?????? Venting

I have seen women who are SM make comments on here and in my own life that they seem to think that being a SM basically makes them the child's mother. No less then if they had given birth to the children themselves. It seems like they feel that real mother needs to move over and if the real mother doesn't like that, she is just jealous? Yes, the more people to love a child the better, I get that, does that mean that if my friend or sister or anyone else wants to love and be there for my child, she is equal to me as a mother? The fact of the matter is a marriage license doesn't make a SM a mother. I am not talking about the situations where the moms are dead or just not around, I am talking about when the mom is there, doing her job and the SM thinks it is her right to step on toes and push the mom to one side. I am not just my children's mother when they are at my house, I am their mother when they are at school, at friend's houses and yes, I am still their mother even when they are with their dad and his new wife.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:18 AM on Mar. 30, 2011 in Parenting Debate

This question is closed.
Answers (34)
  • Myself being a SM since I was 17 can agree that EVERY situation is different. I have been in my SS life since he was 1 1/2 old. He loves his mom, dad, me an his mom's fiancee we all adore him an love him. Thats all that really matters. We dont get along but we dont have to, I have no issues with her, but she doesnt care for me and I can respect that... she doesnt have to like me. Our only common ground is her's and my husbands son. I think she has done an excellent job raising him, he is an amazing little boy who is now almost 7. As a mom she seems to have her sons best interests in heart an that little boy wants for nothing. I have never expected him to call me mom and anytime that he has slipped I have always corrected him with my name. I have always treated her with the respect that I would want back if I were in that situation. I understand that its hard to have someone else in your childs life.
    firsttimer338

    Answer by firsttimer338 at 7:52 AM on Mar. 31, 2011

  • Being that I am a SM and I dont feel that I am replacing my SD mother. I am a parent when she is here but I would never try to step on her moms toes. my SD comes to be with questions just like she does her mom, that doesnt mean I shouldn't answer them or just ignore her bc I am not her biological mother. I love my SD just like she is my own, I care for her and treat her that way when she is with her father and I. Now I do know that there are a lot of SM who feel they would be a better parent and feel that the mother should step aside. But not all of us are that way. I do not agree with a lot of things her DM does, but thats her mom, her mom is going to be her mom for the rest of her life. We even talk about her, what she does with her and how much she loves her. So really not all SM are the way you describe. There are many different type of situations for every family.
    annabelle092810

    Answer by annabelle092810 at 9:24 AM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • I actually agree. I am not saying all SM's are terrible but since 1998 I have dealt with 4 different SM's in my life. Out of the 4, only 1 of them was actually decent & knew boundaries. I dont have to like them, be their friend, or any of that. In fact my personal preference is not being their friends. I have no need to be. When my ex marries I make it clear from the get go I only communicate with ex about the kids, & set rules & guidelines are the same and no one is going to come in and change them. I am remarried myself so I dont understand how 3 of the SMs I dealt with acted how they did. If my husband stepped on my ex's toes like they did mine he would be all over my butt.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 9:22 AM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • Sounds like you have some unresolved issues of your own. I am a stepmom to a 17 year old and his Mother walked out on him and still thinks she has done no wrong. But, as you said these are not the situations that you are speaking of. But, when you live with a child, help raise a child then you can't help but feel maternal instincts toward them. I am sure not all of these ladies who have posted these comments of which you are referring to are trying to replace the childs biological Mother. Maybe they are just having a tough day, stressed and need to vent as well. Don't condemn what you don't have all the information about. How do you know where they are coming from. That is what this site is all about, being able to share our feelings in an environment free from criticism, right? Just think about it.
    Kelly502

    Answer by Kelly502 at 9:27 AM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • I think that in SOME cases, the sm may be better moms to the children, than their actual mother's. SOMETIMES I also think that they are unsure of their boundries, and have no idea how it would feel if the tables were turned and they were having someone else trying to mother, their children. Having said that, my dd's sm isn't the ideal person either. She's a few yrs younger, and at first I think she was just playing house. She'd redo my dd's hair to look like hers and they would try to get her to call sm "mom". My dd never felt comfortable around her though, since they rarely pick her up, spend no one on one time w/ her, and don't talk to her except for a few words each visit. When sm realized they weren't gonna be bff, she started telling dd what she could do @ their house, and @ mine. Blaming her for stuff that wasn't her fault. And making smart comments about me. DD can't stand her now. It's sad!! That's just my dd's sm tho.
    HappyEndings

    Answer by HappyEndings at 9:40 AM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • There is a fine line. Yes, you are still the kids' mom even when they are at dad's house, but that doesn't mean you get to dictate how dad and stepmom parent at their house. DH and I have a his, mine and ours family. It wouldn't be fair to any of the kids to treat SD different or raise her by a different set of rules than the other kids. We set our house rules, not her mom. I don't believe stepparents should step on toes and butt in on school issues etc if the bioparents are in the picture, but I also don't believe that either bioparent has the right to tell the other parent how to parent in their own home. Stepping on toes goes both ways. We've always had a good understanding with both our ex's about that, and they parent their way at their houses and respect the right of DH and I to set the rules and parent our way at our house.
    riotgrrl

    Answer by riotgrrl at 10:20 AM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • I am a step mom and a bio mom to four kids. They are all very close in age and while in my house it's my rules, thankfully, my rules are pretty much the same as biomom's rules (actually she is a lot more strict than I am). For the most part the bio mom and I get along very well. We have some things that we differ on, but we usually talk about it first and come to a compromise. I make it very clear to the kids that I will NEVER replace their mother, but I am a parental figure to them and I expect the same respect. All four of the adults in our situation remain very open to each other where the kids are concerned. We discuss on a daily basis any issues we have or praises that need to be addressed.
    Minimelda

    Answer by Minimelda at 3:57 PM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • I can't even imagine the tight rope that stepmoms/stepdads have to walk.  I agree, in the situations you are referring to, the step mom has no right pushing the mom to the side.  But then again, no one can take a mothers place period.  Is the stepmom/stepdad just trying to show love and be an active participant in the childs life?  Or undermining the mother/father?  I think each situation is unique and all factors should be considered before a call is made.

    MrsHouston47302

    Answer by MrsHouston47302 at 9:41 AM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • I am a SM and BM has SERIOUS issues. My stepkids call me mom, and know that their BM is not capable of being a responsible parent, but I tell them that she loves them very much, and just because she is immature and unstable and unable to parent them, doesn't mean that she is not able to love them as much as she can (even though I hate the B*tch for the pain she causes them I NEVER SLAG HER IN FRONT OF THEM)

    Having said that, I can't REPLACE her, but I can FILL THE ROLL.
    livewell

    Answer by livewell at 9:55 AM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • i have step kids and biological. i do treat them like I would my own kids. But I never try to replace thier mom. I have told one of my sk that they need to call their mom for advice on that. They are used to their moms and relate better to the mom. I am only a second mom not a replacement mom. I never intervene between arguments between their mom and them. But I will advise. If they are in the wrong I let them know it. If mom is in the wrong I explain that but I also have to tell them she is still your mom and you still do have to follow her rules. It is never the step moms place to replace the mom ever. But they also have to follow rules in our house. Moms rules dont necessarily apply in my house. it is a diffrent living situation and diffrent reasons for the rules.
    opinionatedmom

    Answer by opinionatedmom at 12:39 PM on Mar. 30, 2011

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