Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

1 Bump

Leaving an alcoholic...

if you have, what was the ultimate breaking point? i've been staying for various reasons, but my patience with him wore out years ago. now he says he's getting sober (which i don't believe because of his track record and inability to get any help besides relying on me), but i don't even know if i have the patience for that after everything else.

and i know, no matter what he'll make me out to be the bad guy.
p.s.- our 3 kids are all under 5

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:52 AM on Mar. 30, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (7)
  • You need to put it to him as "This is a serious enough problem to ME that I need to leave. I do not feel that you are willing to go through the steps that I need you to to get better."

    When you make it about how this is effecting you instead of his inability to quit you sound more justified.
    meandrphoto

    Answer by meandrphoto at 9:56 AM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • I am in the same situation! I have a 5 month old baby and twin 3year olds. My husband hides it from me and claims that I over react and I am the one with the problem. My breaking point was I was very sick and I asked him to take care of the baby for me and I went to sleep. Once he went to bed which was a lot later than usual he got up and could not find the bathroom. He woke me up as he was running into everything. He denied he drank a thing as he was slurring his words. When he went back to bed I swore I would find the evidence since I knew he would deny it. Sure enough I found an empty bottle of whiskey. The next morning I confronted him and he started YELLING AT ME like it was my fault. While he was at work I left with the kids. After all he was taking care of the baby while DRUNK. I left a letter saying I was not coming back until he agreed to get help AND we get counseling! cont...
    AmyLynn5398

    Answer by AmyLynn5398 at 10:02 AM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • he has a habit of ignoring what he doesn't want to hear... i.e.- anything i say about anything serious (don't spank the kids, your alcohol use is excessive, you spend too much money on booze...) which is a big part of the issue. he will just turn everything i say around on me, just so he can argue and avoid the real issue. i started not arguing because i thought it kept the peace, but it ended up just making my needs/wants/fears disappear. i've become his caretaker, and he is a selfish, helpless little boy that i am unable to discipline like my real children.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:04 AM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • My leaving really hit home with him. It took a few days. I even made sure he would realize what he would be missing by calling him telling him the kids wanted to say good night to him. He finally agreed to help!

    My advice: The next outburst, the next drunk episode leave with the kids. You and the kids should not be in that situation anyway. Find a friend or family you can stay with and prepare for the worst. He may put all the blame on you. After a few day of you gone have a talk and say, if he still wont get help that you are moving back in with the kids and he needs to find a place or if he refuses to leave tell him you found a place to live and you need to know his answer because you will make arrangements to move out. I do not believe in divorce but leaving may make him see what he will be missing.
    AmyLynn5398

    Answer by AmyLynn5398 at 10:08 AM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • Oh... I highly suggest going to ANON meetings. You would be surprised how many other women have your same story!!!
    AmyLynn5398

    Answer by AmyLynn5398 at 10:15 AM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • I put if off for too long with my ex. It is sad to say that my breaking point is when he beat the shit out of me. Dont let it get to that point. It effects your kids. Once I left all the drama stopped. No more arguing, no more sleepless nights. Got my life back. You're strong enough to leave.
    Nickcole23

    Answer by Nickcole23 at 10:18 AM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • "he has a habit of ignoring what he doesn't want to hear... i.e.- anything i say about anything serious (don't spank the kids, your alcohol use is excessive, you spend too much money on booze...) which is a big part of the issue. he will just turn everything i say around on me, just so he can argue and avoid the real issue. i started not arguing because i thought it kept the peace, but it ended up just making my needs/wants/fears disappear. i've become his caretaker, and he is a selfish, helpless little boy that i am unable to discipline like my real children. "
    ___________________________________

    OP, that pretty much describes almost every severe alcoholic or drug addict our there. I don't know if that makes you feel any better, to know that it is typical alkie behavior, but it is. And it's almost unbearable. You have to decide what your bottom line is and stick to it. Just keep in mind how damaging this is for your kids :(
    vicesix

    Answer by vicesix at 10:33 AM on Mar. 30, 2011

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.