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4 Bumps

So Frustrated! (No question, just a vent)

Last night, I had something minor bugging me, and I'll admit, it's stupid and it's my problem, but I just wanted to let my SO know so we could quickly discuss it and move on. I sat down and told him what was bugging me, and he went off on me. I get his frustration, I really do, but this became this huge thing over nothing. His reaction and the way he chooses to handle this has me feeling disrespected and my feelings disregarded. I have told him this. It's less about the initial annoyance (since it was minor) and has become about this feeling of disrespect; and it's a big thing for me. I will not be in a relationship where we are disrepectful to each other and are incapable of speaking to each other without a blow up argument. We've had this issue in the past and discussed it in the past. It is a deal breaker for me. I'm just really sad that this silly little thing that I just wanted to get out there so it didn't become a big thing has now become an even bigger issue.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:31 PM on Mar. 30, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (17)
  • I can relate. Just know that you're not alone. When someone writes a book about how to successfully handle this kind of situation, we will have all the answers.
    matobe

    Answer by matobe at 12:34 PM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • I just moved out and will be getting my own place in may. But maybe when you both calm you should talk about him suggest counseling if it cannot be resloved between you. No one should be disrespected.
    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 12:50 PM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • Based solely on what is written here (nothing more)..

    It sounds as if the two of you really have a communication problem. Sounds as if neither of you know how to affectively communicate with the other (that includes listening as well as sharing). In most cases, if fighting breaks out when trying to share feelings, it's due to misunderstanding and miscommunication. It's really important for couples to know and understand each others way of communicating in order to communicate with one another affectively (and for that communication to end in good results all the way around).

    Have you ever considered picking up some books on male/female communication, communication in relationships? It may be incredible helpful for the two of you. If you love each other, and want to be together. Learning to communicate affectively with one another would most likely change your entire relationship..
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 1:32 PM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • That's part of the problem, Pixe_Trix, we are horrible at communicating. We both know this. The thing is, I have done everything he has asked for in regards to communicating effectively with him. I have gone through counseling in the past (when I was with my ex) with my ex and without to help communication. I use "I" statements, I sat down calmly and brought up that something was bugging me at the time it was bugging me (things he has asked me to do when commuicating with him), and it got me no where. It got me bitched at and disrespected. He didn't listen to what I had to say, instead he cut me off and jumped to conclusions and his reaction has made the whole situation bigger than it had to be. I don't know where to go from here. I feel like I'm not meant to be in relationships, I'm just better off on my own. I'm not trying to say this is his fault, I just don't know what else "I" am supposed to do.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:43 PM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • Oh, and I'm not one of those people that "goes along to get along". I am not confrontational, but I will not shove my feelings aside simply to avoid an argument. I do not wish to argue, I hate it in fact, but I will not be miserable and keep things inside simply to keep the peace. He is supposed to be my partner, and I should be able to share everything with him.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:46 PM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • He didn't listen, cut you off and jumped to conclusions. This is a direct sign that you most likely are not communicating in a manner in which he really comprehends what you are conveying to him.It's far more than just our word choice, it's also our tone, our body language, our mannerisms, everything plays into affective communication. Now, is that saying that it's all **you** and you need to do this or that. Absolutely not! However, I have learned during my 48 years that someone always has to take the lead. Someone in any situation always has to get the ball rolling or else a stale mate (which is what you to have right now) is where you end up. You both aren't budging basically because you feel you've done this that and the other. That's not going to get a relationship anywhere.

    Cont.

    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 1:51 PM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • You went to therapy to learn how to communicate with your ex.. Is this man your ex? If not, then the communication techniques/style that worked with your ex, will not necessarily work with the partner you have now. Yes there are some basic strategies in regards to communicating. However, just like with anything else, each individual responds/reacts in their own way. So, the chances that you partner still isn't getting/comprehending what you communicate to him is pretty high.

    Yes he is your partner and you should be able to share with him At the same time, he is yours and he should be able to share with you. If he is reacting the way you describe when you try to converse/share with him, then HE most likely does not feel he can share with you either. And that is most likely due to HIS inability to communicate his feelings/thoughts in an affective manner. Reactions of anger is common in those who are unable to communicate well
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 1:55 PM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • I am not communicating in a style he understands, but the problem is, I don't know how to. What I meant by the counseling, is basic forms of communication. We've had many (my SO and I) discussions on communicating, and I did what he asked as far as mannerisms, tone, all the things you mentioned. I did what he asked that I do in these situations so that he will listen, not get defensive, jump to conclusions, etc, etc. That's why I am at a loss. That's my problem. I don't know where to go from here. I have tried, since last night to speak to him, and it gets us no where. I don't know what else to do.

    He has asked that I let him know right away if something bothers me, instead of holding onto it, I did. He asked that I do it in a casual manner and not accusatory, I did. I just sat down and told him something was bugging me and I wanted to talk about it. I'm not saying there isn't more I can do, I just don't
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:19 PM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • know what it is I need to do. We are supposed to be talking at lunch, and I really don't know how to approach it so it's not an argument.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:21 PM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • I really think the issue at this point (again based solely on what is written here).. is that HE does not know how to affectively communicate his thoughts/feelings/needs/wants..etc.. back to you.. Much less be able to communicate a response in regards to your thoughts/feelings/needs /wants..etc... My husband used to be the same way years and years ago. No matter how I tried talking to him, he would react much like you are describing, he would tell me what not to do in when communicating to him. However, HE didn't know how to communicate back in turn. So he would be angry,frustrated, jump to conclusions, cut me off..etc..etc.. Because He didn't know how to communicate any other way. Any time he tried, it came out all wrong and it would make things even worse. lol.. He would have to say "no that's not what I meant' I would point out those were your exact words.. He would say "Yeah but what I meant was_" See what I mean.
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 2:28 PM on Mar. 30, 2011

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