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4 Bumps

How to do this without hurting her feelings?

I have a friend who is separated and getting divorced, never dated in high school, and is now acting like a boy crazy teenager. Every time we talk, I have to hear about this guy that she likes that did this, and that guy she thinks is cute who did that and more details than I'd really like on her sex life, past, present and future. I've tried changing the subject, but she just ignores my attempts and steers the conversation right back to the guys and all. I am just so tired of listening to all this, honestly, I never wanted to listen to it to begin with.

My SO said I need to just tell her I don't want to hear it, and I know he's right. But I'm not sure how to go about it where it won't hurt her feelings. I've tried subtlety with changing the subject, I've tried by lack of expression, interest, and response to convey that I'm not interested and don't want to hear it, but that doesn't seem to do it either. I know that means I probably need to be blunt, but since I seem to be the only friend that really listens to her, I don't want to hurt her feelings and make her think I don't care about her. I do care about her, I just don't want to hear any more of her romantic/sexual antics. Most of what she talks about is stuff I don't agree with (sleeping with married men, getting involved with a guy who's about to go to jail, stuff like that), and even if I did agree with it, I just don't want all these details.

How can I tell her this without hurting her feelings? Is it even possible?


Asked by wendythewriter at 7:45 PM on Mar. 30, 2011 in Relationships

Level 33 (61,976 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (10)
  • Tell her again that you love her and support her as a friend, but that you are not comfortable with what she shares with you. She is searching for love in all the wrong places. You'd like to protect her from getting hurt, but it's her life and you don't want to be the one to hurt her. Emphasize that you are a true friend who wants to be a good listener and someone she can turn to, but you feel she needs to share other aspects of her life with you other than her sexual encounters. She will probably feel hurt at first, but hopefully she'll realize you are her true friend. It sound like she's already hurting and although you don't want to add to it, you need to take a step back and reassess your relationship.

    Answer by rosiemendo at 8:25 AM on Mar. 31, 2011

  • Sounds like you've tried everything. What about something like, "Sally, I love you! I want to support you BUT I really don't want or need to hear these details. I'm glad you're having fun but keep the details to yourself okay sweetie?"

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 7:55 PM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • As you said, there's no safe way to tip-toe around this one. The best approach for her I believe would be saying to her "I'm happy that you're excited about your new opportunities in life, however I do feel a bit uncomfortable when you tell me all the 'gory details' of all the fun you're having. I'm your friend, and I care about you. I hope you can understand." Or something to that effect.

    Answer by EdwinsMommy at 7:51 PM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • You have already tried to tell her how you feel by your actions but she is set on having her idea of *fun* and will sadly learn the hard way that this way of life is not *fun*
    Just be there for her when one of those men hurts her bad.

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 7:47 PM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • You may not be able to not hurt her feelings. But you should tell her what you need to tell her soon before you just get so sick of hearing it that it just boils out of you and you REALLY hurt her feelings. She's your friend, I'm sure she will know you are trying to be the best friend you can be.

    So, she's getting a divorce and she's getting involved with men she knows are married? That right there would be a deal breaker for me. I'd hurt her feelings. May be mean, but I'm married. And I'd be pissed if my friend was coming to me with her stories of sleeping with married men. Actually, I had a friend call me once, and she told me how she cheated on her husband. She had a child as a result. She sounded like she was looking for some support, from me. I chewed her ass. A few years later we heard her husband was in Leavenworth. He was bathing that child and drown it.

    Answer by Raine2001 at 8:16 PM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • Be real with her and explain to her that she is grown and it don't look good on her let her know that u love and care for her and don't want to see her hurt....................

    Answer by benitaapplebomb at 8:27 PM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • If you aren't comfortable, you need to tell her. She's excited and all, but sounds like these men are nothing to be excited about. I have kicked a friend out of my house when I found out the man she brought over was married. She needs a reality check. Maybe her self esteem is low or something, but she needs to watch herself before she ends up with an std or pregnant by a felon or married man. Next time she comes to you, say oh another one, what happened to boy a, b, c, d, etc?? Talk to her about respecting herself. Just be blunt.

    Answer by camiam81 at 10:20 PM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • I say just be her friend, accept that she never got to do this before - we've all had our phases. Be her friend and let her get through it - you can just tune out if it gets too much and just be there for her when all this fun comes crashing down as it always does. Did you go through this phase? I know I did and I had wonderful friends who supported me until I got over it. She's just living it at a different than most of us...............a good friend accepts you for who you really are, warts and all.

    Answer by 8Tinkerboo8 at 10:34 PM on Mar. 30, 2011

  • It's not that I don't accept her. I don't agree with what she's doing, but it's her life, and if she wants to do it and it makes her happy, that's her choice. I just don't want to hear all the details. And I know we all went through a phase like this, but for this one, most of us did it in high school and all our friends were doing the same thing so it wasn't as annoying to each other.

    And it's not even that it's annoying. It's more...I've heard more details about her sex life than I know about my own. I'm not a prude, by any stretch, but there are some things I just don't want to know.

    I'm not trying to get her to stop or change what she's doing. Again, I don't agree with it but it is her choice. I have no right to tell her she can't do it. I've told her my opinion on the one guy, and other than that, I leave it all alone. But I kind of feel...almost like she's holding me hostage to her stories. con't...

    Comment by wendythewriter (original poster) at 6:37 AM on Mar. 31, 2011

  • She always catches me at times/situations where I'm not able to make an excuse to leave or just get up and leave. I have to stay where I am.

    It's just frustrating. I want to be her friend, but I don't want to hear about all these guys, and all these details.

    Comment by wendythewriter (original poster) at 6:40 AM on Mar. 31, 2011