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What would you do? Am I wrong and how do I move on? :0(

I have always wanted to adopt a child. I would like to give a little one in foster care a loving home. My husband and I have been going back and forth for the past two years. This is something that means a lot to me. It is a part of who I am. I feel if I don't help a child I am giving up a part of who I am. This is breaking my heart. When I ask him all he says is no. Is he being unreasonable not to support if it means this much to me? Am I being unreasonable to continue to want to do this even though he says no? Where do I go from here? If I should move on how in the heck do I do that? How do I get my heart and mind not to want to help a little one anymore? I feel like there is a hole in my heart that is waiting to be filled by our little one who is waiting on us. How do I move on and not hate my husband? How do I change who I am and be okay with not doing this? I am desperate please help me. :0(

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Asked by Anonymous at 5:31 PM on Nov. 28, 2008 in Adoption

Answers (15)
  • u are not wrong for wanting to adopt and help a child have a better life..... me and my hubby are trying to adopt one two... u have to try to explane to him how much this really means too you.... good luck... i wish u the best of luck... there should be more people like u that want to help that much

    Answer by Pooky_mommy at 5:36 PM on Nov. 28, 2008

  • this such a hard question to be honest ,b/c its so personal to you . You have your feelings and you know what you want , not everyone has it inside them to adopt ,and maybe your hubby is one of those who would find it hard to connect to a child who isnt his ,maybe it would be different if it actually happend , and he could visulize the child ,but when its an idea its hard to connect with and feel the feeling . You should nt hate your hubby for not sharing with you the same passion ,at least he is being honest with how he feels ,better to be that way then to go ahead with something he doesnt feel is right ,as for yourself ,you have to ask could you lose your husband over this and go on your own and adopt ,is it something you feel compelled to do ,or could you fill the hole by helping children in some other way .

    Answer by loulou332 at 5:37 PM on Nov. 28, 2008

  • Start by gettind an explanation from him. There is always a reason, not just a yes or no. And try explaning more to him. It is a great thing you want to do. I wish you the best.

    Answer by Mary_CoreysMom at 6:02 PM on Nov. 28, 2008

  • It is really important to have both parents 100% on board when it comes to adoption, especially out of foster care. My DH and I are in the process right now. Fortunately, this is something we talked about before getting married and having bio children.

    Perhaps you and DH could see a counselor together for a few sessions so that you can understand why he is saying no, and he can understand how important it is for you. If he still feels the same way after that, perhaps you could continue with the counselor and work on how you can move on emotionally. You may be able to find some other way to fill the void.

    Answer by maggiemom2000 at 6:13 PM on Nov. 28, 2008

  • Thanks for the thoughts. I don't want to lose my husband. I love him very much. At the same time I have wanted to adopt all my life. I keep thinking he will change his mind because, he loves me and knows how much it means to me. I feel like I am butting my head against a wall. If I don't help a child I don't think I will ever get passed it. I will always have a void in me and resentment toward my husband. I am beginning to look into other ways I can help children. I think I might do project cuddle help line. Also Bethany Christian safe home for children.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:16 PM on Nov. 28, 2008

  • Thanks, I think I am gonna see a counselor about this. I do need help dealing with my feelings. I can't move past it and I am starting to resent my husband. I don't understand if he truely loves me why he won't support me. Since this is something that means so much to me. I really don't ask for a lot but, this is just a part of who I am. How do I change who I am. I really don't want to change who I am. :0( I really doubt he will go to a counselor though because, I am sure he thinks he is right and thinks since he said no I should just get passed it.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:21 PM on Nov. 28, 2008

  • As a mother of four foster/adopted children, I have to tell you that what you are talking about is not an easy task. For some people, possibly like your husband, it may just be too much. You have to have a very, very open dialogue about your expectations and why it matters so much to you. Some people are just afraid of the unknown, some are afraid of dealing with the problems of others.

    Answer by Cheryl_Johns at 9:12 PM on Nov. 28, 2008

  • part 2 ...
    Children older than 5 tend to have certain behavior problems and social issues that your husband may not have the patience to deal with. Also, your husband may be afraid of getting attached to a child only to lose it, or to see you go through the same pain. My hubby and I talked about adopting for years. Private adoption was just too expensive and too risky. We decided to check into foster care and truthfully, he thought we would give it a try and if it didn't work out we would stop.

    Seven years later, we still haven't stopped. :-)

    My message was too long so I'll post a part 3

    Answer by Cheryl_Johns at 9:12 PM on Nov. 28, 2008

  • Our first foster child was 6 months old and the size of a premie. He had numerous health conditions due to fetal alcohol exposure. We fell in love with him after the first day. After being in foster care with us for seven months, his birthparent rights were terminated. We adopted him. We are now in the process of adopting our fourth foster child. We have been very blessed!

    Answer by Cheryl_Johns at 9:24 PM on Nov. 28, 2008

  • Another suggestion: If your husband isn't willing to foster, you could try to be a CASA advocate to help a foster child in need. Your local Child/Family services offices could help you to learn more.

    Answer by Cheryl_Johns at 9:27 PM on Nov. 28, 2008

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