So, I went to college, I loved it. But, between college, work, depression from a divorce, my mother dying and raising three children I am still not even at an associates... 5 years later. So, I just got this job, not a great job but a decent one. I am only a month in and my babysitter tells me her husband lost his job and she can no longer babysit as of that day. So, I hit the ground running and called everyone I know to line up sitters. I did, it worked out wonderfully. I mean, I'm not stupid I know these friends and family that are babysitting will get stressed with it and not want to do it for long but by the time that happens hopefully I will have found someone more permanent. Example... my sister already watched my kids last week and was complaining her household caught something (insinuating that it came from my kids). I just ignored it and went on, until today when my son came down with whatever it was that I supposedly gave my sisters family. I hate this because it's always my fault to my family, even if its the other way around. But, I am the only one who wouldn't say a word because I believe viruses happen and don't try to make people feel badly about them. But, this is the same sister that made me feel horrible a few years ago when I was hospitalized suddenly and had to have surgery. Apparently, I put them out and she let me know it, the moment I walked...no was wheeled out of the hospital and in her car. I never ask anyone to watch my kids unless it is absolutely a necessary. I try not to be a burden to anyone, or ask anything of anyone for that matter. I NEVER use people. The sitter I had for a little while, I even babysat for her kids FOR FREE plus was going to pay her when she babysat mine. So, my son is sick today and I had to call into work. It's the third time in the first month of work I have called in. Heck, I would fire me. I want to be there, I really do. I want to be able to work but I refuse to send my kids to just anyone for babysitting. I have no family besides my sister and brother, both will help in a quick pinch but guilt trips will ensue. My friends all have moms and dads to rely on and honestly it really ticks me off, I don't mean to be that way and I know its wrong but if I had someone there to help me all the time I would be able to do it. I hate this, I hate feeling like I am failing again and again. I hate that when my friends and family see that I am no longer working a lot of them will be extremely judgemental and act like I am a horrible lazy person who doesn't want to work even though that is the farthest from the truth...until I fall into my stupid depression, then they will be satisfied with their assumption and stand firm in their rightness. Sleeping is bliss when you hate being awake. The only thing that keeps me going is my love for my children. I can hide the tears, I can fake the smiles and even force myself to get up after they get home from school to find out how their day went and help them with their homework. It's not always a fake smile, I really smile sometimes. I don't walk around feeling like the world owes me something, nor do I keep a chip on my shoulder or cry all the time. I force myself to get back up every time because I know they are learning what type of person to be by my example. I want to give them everything. I will give them more than I had. Worst case scenario I will just stay on assistance until my children go to college, sorry to everyone who pays for me to do that. I admit, that is the absolute WORST case scenario. The best would be to find a reliable sitter and finally get a job or even go back to college if I can. I remind myself constantly of what Tom Hanks said in A League of their Own. "If it wasn't hard everyone would do it, it's the hard that makes it great." Single motherhood has baseball beat every time. Gotta go, time to play Lego Batman with my son. :)Answer Question
Asked by Anonymous at 1:04 PM on Mar. 31, 2011 in General Parenting
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