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How can I get my confidence back? Ended a 5 year relationship 2.5 months ago...

I was with a guy for 5 years, I felt like I was in love with him...still feel that way. I can't get him out of my head, I can't stop missing him...I know how pathetic that is and how stupid it sounds. I try, I really do...I try to push him out of my mind and I can for a while but all it takes is one look at my daughter or one song that we used to sing together and I go right back to missing him.

Our relationship ended because neither of us were mature enough to handle where it was going...we were together for 5 years but everything happened so fast and then we fell into a routine way too fast and it got boring and we started arguing and you through in a few issues on both sides and it was just a disaster.

Logically, I know we will never be together again...he lives very far away now, and he says he wants to move on and doesn't love me anymore. I wonder if that's true every single day because he contacts me after a week or two of not talking and is a mess...crying and saying he misses me and then after a few days of talking he pushes me away again, I honestly don't want to believe he does that just to hurt me..but that very well might be what it is. In the back of my mind, I can't help but question if he's feeling the same way as me though and just handling it differently. He never did like to show emotion but....that's not the point.

The point is, if he isn't going to try to make things work and he's going to continue acting that way...I'm going to keep feeling this way, unless I do something about it. The issue is...I don't know what to do to make myself feel better. I don't want to move on in the sense of dating anyone yet...I just want to feel good about myself again. I'm not used to be just me...I'm used to being US and now that my second half is gone...I just don't know how to function. I try to make myself feel better by taking care of myself on the outside...for example, yesterday i went to get a sunless tan but ended up feeling self conscious and went and exfoliated the heck out of myself til it faded.......now that that tan is gone and I sit and look at a pic I took of myself WITH the tan...I realize there was NOTHING WRONG with that tan! and I feel so dumb for washing it off....so I know the issues I'm having are much deeper than skin deep. I just want someone to tell me what I can do to make myself feel better? I want to talk to family and friends but at the same time...I don't want to be a burden anymore...for the last year of mine and his relationship all i did was cry and complain and now he's gone and that's what i do now and i know it gets old.

Can anyone give me some good advice? and please please be nice...I really don't need criticism right now.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:17 PM on Mar. 31, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (8)
  • throw in*
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 3:18 PM on Mar. 31, 2011

  • You really really really need to talk to a counselor. It will make a HUGE difference.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 3:21 PM on Mar. 31, 2011

  • Stop accepting his calls. It is impossible to go through the natural grieving proccess while he is stringing you along. Then do things to make yourself feel beautiful. Get a massage,a facial,hair nails. Take a yoga class. Do things you love to do,spend time with friends and look at yourself in the mirror daily and tell yourself you are beautiful. Eventually you will feel it. GL
    thecoffeefairy

    Answer by thecoffeefairy at 3:35 PM on Mar. 31, 2011

  • While I really appreciate your advice, "thecoffeefairy," I do feel guilty by not accepting his calls because he IS the father of my little girl...the flip side however is, he moved VERY far away with not intention of coming back and when he does call it is rarely about our daughter. There's still that moral dilemma though cause although he may not always ask about her...who am I to prevent him from doing so if he wants to?
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 3:43 PM on Mar. 31, 2011

  • A lot of people dont give themselves time to get over a relationship, they go back to what they know and are afraid of change. Also a lot of women lose who they are and it kind of seems like you rely on him and molded into what he wanted. I would stop any and all contact with him and work on finding yourself again and what makes you happy. Trust me I know what you are going through. A few years ago I got out of a 7 1/2 year relationship. I didnt know whether I was coming or going, or who I was anymore. It took months to get passed it all, I went to therapy and dealt with some of it that way, I hung out with my friends that I never had time for and found who I was again. You have the strength in you to get passed this/him. Make this your YOU time girl! You CAN do it!
    dolphingoddess

    Answer by dolphingoddess at 3:46 PM on Mar. 31, 2011

  • I can't stop all contact, he's my daughter's dad :(

    I just feel torn because he IS the father but at the same time...he chose to move away, he says he's not coming back and when he does call it's hardly ever about her so I just don't know what the right thing to do would be...

    and by saying he moved "far away," I don't just mean to another city, county or state...he moved to another country! No intention of EVER coming back....I have full custody but still, I feel like as a parent he should have that option to call up and ask about her and get pics and stuff...maybe i'm just too easy on him.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 3:50 PM on Mar. 31, 2011

  • The ex I was with for 7 1/2 years is also the father of my 2 girls. My friends helped me to ease away and stay away from him..we went through court to establish custody..but I understand what you are saying..
    what about if the next time he calls you both set designated times and days for him to call and if he misses those days and calls on another its his loss..you have control of the situation..but maybe scheduling days and times might be easier?
    dolphingoddess

    Answer by dolphingoddess at 3:58 PM on Mar. 31, 2011

  • Yeah, I know I have control but I always end up feeling either guilty or like I'm losing control even with him being so far away. The more I think about it, the more I believe maybe it IS best to stop all contact...after all for the 2 months he's been gone he's asked about her a total of 2 times out of the many many times he's called and usually he calls just to tell me that he 1. loves me and misses me and wants me to move there and be with him or 2. he feels nothing for me and is looking for a new lover.....it's just not good for me.

    He could call my mom instead and talk to her about our daughter...my mom won't put up with BS but she will inform him of things that are going on with our daughter....
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:19 PM on Mar. 31, 2011

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