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Help! the ex issues!

The biological father (Mike) to my son Sam (age 4 1/2) has major issues. He has never seen sam and hasnt paid child support. he is orderd to pay 260.00 a month but he keeps getting into trouble and ends up in jail. He is over 30000.00 (yes thirty thousand) dollars in back child support. He cant/wont get a job because he is to busy selling drugs and drinking and driving.. needless to say, he is a low life. How can i get through to him, so he will straighten out his life and get a job to help support Sam? He isnt allowed to see Sam, but he is still required to pay child support.. its not safe for Sam to be involved in his life. So my ex husband (the father to my son Luke age 2 1/2) is his daddy.. not legally but has been in his life since Sam was 5 months old. Sam doesnt know about his biological father.... should i keep it that way?

Answer Question
 
dfwhite

Asked by dfwhite at 9:41 PM on Apr. 1, 2011 in General Parenting

Level 14 (1,702 Credits)
Answers (7)
  • You can't "get through to him". I'm not sure I would keep Sam's bio father a secret - that will by psychologically traumatic for him later to learn the man he thought was his father is not. Not cool. That also doesn't mean it's your job to save this low life - let it go and move on with your life. As he gets older you speak to him about it in an age appropriate way.
    8Tinkerboo8

    Answer by 8Tinkerboo8 at 9:45 PM on Apr. 1, 2011

  • I'd just keep things the way they are for now. You can't make a man grow up. I'd still pursue support, but not expect it. Appreciate your ex husband for what he does do for Sam, I think it's great that he is still being a father when he isn't legally bound.
    camiam81

    Answer by camiam81 at 9:47 PM on Apr. 1, 2011

  • There is nothing u can do about Sam's father... My ex is the same way. and my 2 boys ages 1&2 are now being raised by me and my new bf. they even call him dada sometimes. we dont encourage it, but dont discourage it either. If their real dad wanted 2 b part of their lives, he would clean up and take responsibility. but since he doesnt take that seriously, someone else is. and as far as telling Sam about his real dad, I would.. he deserves to know where or who he came from, but also let him know why his dad isnt in his life, whithout making him look like scum, simply tell him that he has made some wrong choices and go from there.
    sarahlu

    Answer by sarahlu at 10:10 PM on Apr. 1, 2011

  • "Sam doesnt know about his biological father.... should i keep it that way? " Not forever. up to you when you would want to tell him, but Please don't put it off two long. Chances are someone will tell him if you don't.
    I have a cousin who wasn't told that her stepfather wasn't her Bio father until she was about 31 years old! My aunt had her husbands name put on the birth certificate.

    One day it came out because my mom threatened to tell her if she didn't. Turns out they had planned to never tell her.

    I don't know what his birth certificate says, but keep in mind that when he turns the driving age he's going to need a copy to get his license. that happened all the time in my high school. Kids would get near the end of drivers ed, then be told by mom that they couldn't get their birth certificate. one way or another they finally did, then mom was forced to tell the truth.

    I wouldn't wait much longer if I were you.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:10 PM on Apr. 1, 2011

  • Thank you ladies so much for your input... i dont want to keep the fact that the daddy he knows isnt his biological father... how old is old enough to tell him? hes 4 1/2 now...
    dfwhite

    Comment by dfwhite (original poster) at 10:36 PM on Apr. 1, 2011

  • I would wait until he asks about him, then he is curious about him. Don't bad mouth the father even if he is a low life, cause it could later come back and bite u in the ass.
    Michigan-Mom74

    Answer by Michigan-Mom74 at 12:59 AM on Apr. 2, 2011

  • This is very touchy and you should do what you feel is right. If your son has never seen him doesnt know of him right now so keep it that way and if there is another man who he knows and is good for him keep it like that. Your his mom and you know whats best for your son so and besides you know what kind of men they both are. Who do you want around your son? Maybe with two men not around he might just not need anyone untill your really find the right guy whos going to be staying around because he knows your ex you said but then what happens when another guy comes. I remember when i was little and it was just my mom and i she would date a lot so i saw different guys around never saw my day again cause he was like your first ex. The last time i saw him was when i was 12yrs and i just looked him up 2yrs ago and i'm now 32yrs. Take care.....
    butterflies78

    Answer by butterflies78 at 2:09 AM on Apr. 2, 2011

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